My kink makes me feel sick

[AquariusRising]

Hi there, I really have no where else to turn even though I kinda feel ridiculous here. I (24F) have a kink, and I feel very ashamed and disgusted with it.

Since I was a child discovering my own body, this kink has been a part of my sexuality. I’m not too shy to share what it is, but I know lots of young people are on this forum and I don’t want to expose anyone to distressing content. This kink is heavily associated with childhood trauma that I experienced at an extremely young age, as far back as I can remember. It was my first exposure to sexuality, and I’m sickened by that. I so often cry for my inner child and the way this has affected me.

Because this kink has been a part of my sexuality for so long, I usually grow numb to the guilt and shame I have about it. I will read erotica or watch porn depicting the kink, and I have engaged in consensual sexual encounters with other legal adults that involve this scenario. I do have other interests as well that I don’t feel ashamed of, but none are as potent as this one, and most are related to it. I know it’s not particularly uncommon due to how surprisingly easy it is to find on the internet, but it is particularly heinous and disturbing.

((I want to be clear that this kink is something carried out consensually by adults and is in no way illegal, but it does harm my psyche.))

Despite my ability to engage with it in the past without it causing emotional breakdowns, it seems that as I’ve gotten older especially and seen how harmful and sickening the reality of my childhood was, it has started to haunt me. I go through phases where I try to avoid this kind of pornographic content due to the immense shame, but I always circle back to it in the end. I had a sexual dream involving the kink a bit over a month ago and it still haunts me. I’ve been honest with my partner about this kink and it is something we have lightly explored, but I don’t want to share this with him anymore because of the shame it brings me. He has been very supportive, but I can’t bring myself to share the contents of this dream with him, even though he comforted me when I cried for hours over it.

Since then, the feelings of guilt have just gotten stronger. My libido is down, as well. The worst part is when people are talking about this particular type of trauma, be it on the news or on tiktok, I often find myself turned on. It is sick to be turned on by someone else’s trauma, isn’t it? To be turned on my by own trauma?

I’m worried about how this is affecting my mental health, as I don’t know how to replace this kink with any others that can provide the same level of gratification. I’ve avoided sexual encounters with my partner despite being in the mood because I am afraid to risk my mind going there and how it will affect me. I’m afraid I can’t get rid of this kink, or even work my way around it. Attempts at compartmentalizing it aren’t always effective. Is there some obvious element to this that I’m missing? I just want my peace of mind back, and I wish this kink wasn’t a part of me.

[Sam W]

Hi AquariusRising,

It sounds like this is causing you a lot of stress, and like this reaction to your sexual interest/fantasy is actually pretty new for you. When you think about the fact it's switched between being something you were able to engage with in an enjoyable way to something that causes you a lot of shame, was there anything that coincided with that switch that you think might have caused it?

Too, while we can certainly talk about ways to address a sexual interest or fantasy that you no longer want to engage with, as a starting place can I ask if you ever received any kind of support around the assaults? Are you receiving any kind of professional support around it now?

[AquariusRising]

Thanks for the reply, Sam. As to what might have influenced the change in the way I feel about this sexual interest, I’ve been asking myself the same question lately. I can’t say there’s been any one thing that has triggered a change in mindset. I think it may be a combination of new experiences. Over the past five years, I’ve witnessed a lot more violence against women involving people in my immediate circle. I’ve grown increasingly terrified of men and more angry at misogyny. I HATE being around children because it’s so triggering. I think mostly, though, it’s that I’m an adult now. Perhaps knowing now what it’s like to have an adult’s mindset is making me relate to the kink differently? I have a hard time shifting into the fantasy of it now. I get too hung up on the brutal reality of it. I start getting intrusive thoughts of gruesome imagery and it sends me into a panic attack, even making me physically sick.

I was in therapy in college for severe depression and anxiety. I’ve tried a couple of therapists since then to address various issues (executive dysfunction, anxiety, etc), but I never found a good fit and it’s so expensive. I’ve never seen a therapist to discuss this issue, or the trauma of my childhood. I don’t really have anyone to discuss it with in my life, either.

[Sam W]

From your description, it sounds like there have been a lot of things that make the fantasy feel less removed from your own life, or like the reality of it is harder to ignore. That's for sure a thing that can happen, and people do find that as they age, or as their life experience accumulate, a fantasy that was at one point enjoyable or a way of taking back power associated with something traumatic no longer appeals to them. It may even be something they now find repulsive.

Do you feel like the violence you've seen in your immediate circles may also be bringing up some of your own trauma for you, or leading it to manifest in ways it hasn't before?

Would you be open to talking with a counselor who's trained to work with survivors of sexual assault and child abuse? You deserve that kind of support, and it's something we could help you locate and refer you to if you're up for giving it a try.

[AquariusRising]

I do definitely believe that observing the abuse happening to family and friends over the past few years has somehow re-opened certain trauma and possibly changed my relationship with it.

I really believe I need therapy for this, more so now than ever, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it. I would still love some options for therapists, I think it’s time to explore that. Part of the reason I’ve never sought therapy for this before is because I was not the one directly assaulted. My older sisters were adopted before I was born, and my biological father was their abuser for years. It came out when I was four years old. But no one explained anything to me. My mom would take me with them to their therapy appointments and I would have to listen to it, but I was so young I don’t think I really understood anything. It really messed me up in the head I think. I’ve been having these fantasies since before I knew what sex was because of the way my parents handled it. They didn’t even get divorced. I wasn’t actually told about the abuse until I was an older teen, and then everything came together. Knowing that it wasn’t me who was directly abused just makes the guilt heavier now. When I was 18-19 I would put myself in dangerous situations with dangerous men and I did experience some sexual violence at that time, but it was relatively minor as far as how I feel it has impacted me. I mean, how my mother just allowed him to continue to be a part of our lives, how she let us love him, how he continued to be in my sisters’ lives as well… it’s sickening. It became normalized. That environment was where I formed my first memories, and part of me feels like I’ll never escape it. It’s part of my foundation now, it’s part of me and I hate it. It feels like a parasite, like I’ll never be clean of it. And the guilt is starting to feel unbearable.

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry your father made the choice to hurt you and your siblings that way, and that your mother didn't take the steps she should have to protect you. I'm also shocked that anyone, including the therapist in question, thought it was okay to have you in those appointments, especially without addressing what you were hearing in a way that you could understand.

You mention that the knowledge you weren't the only one abused is only adding to your guilt. Do you have a sense of why it's doing that? And what is your relationship like with your sisters now? Are you able to at least acknowledge and talk openly about what happened with each other, or at the very least know that you all believe each other about what happened?

As far as therapy goes, a lot of rape crisis centers tend to offer free or low-cost services. I found this list of Arkansas services that could act as a helpful starting place: https://www.arkcasa.org/copy-of-crisis-centers. Are there ones listed that serve your area that you could contact?

[AquariusRising]

My oldest sister I don’t have a relationship with anymore because of her inconsistency, mental instability, political views, and self-centeredness. I haven’t spoken with her about it. My second oldest sister, K, is very present in my life. She helped me get my own apartment and moved me to an area closer to her several years ago. Because of the age difference (she’s 7 years older) my older sisters were put in the caregiver role when we were children, so she still acts like a mother/sister hybrid to me. We didn’t talk about the assaults at all until I was around 18-19 when she asked me if I knew what happened (I did ofc). We’ve had a few conversations about it. It comes up sometimes when she’s talking about her progress in therapy/couples therapy w her bf. I suppose we don’t shy away from the subject, but we don’t talk deeply about it so much as how it affects her life today. I think it makes me feel guiltier that they were victims because I’ve turned some of their darkest trauma into a kink.

I have no memory of ever being abused by my father. I had a few run-ins with creepy uncles but the worst I ever got was when my drunk uncle David sucked my toes for a few minutes while I played video games (obvi not great but I’m not too cut up about it). When my parents got divorced (I was 10, it was because he was cheating on her again, the divorce was his idea) and he had custody. I guess I was acting moody because once when I came back to my moms, my oldest sister asked if my dad was touching me inappropriately. He wasn’t. That’s when I started to put the pieces together of what really happened and where my kink came from. I remembered the therapy sessions and exploring my body and my fantasies of sex before I knew what sex was. My mom told me everything when I was 14. It wasn’t surprising to me. I was still expected to spend weekends with my dad like normal. I absolutely never spoke about it with him. Now looking back, I just can’t believe they all let me and my little sister live with him. How they just ignored it. I don’t get it.

Because I wasn’t a direct victim, I don’t know if those services are meant for me. There is one close to me, but I don’t want to take up resources from people in more direct and immediate need.

[Amanda B]

Hi AquariusRising,

I hope it's okay I'm stepping in here. I'm happy to hear you are in contact with one of your sisters. How has it felt the few times you've talked with her about the assaults? Do you think she would be open to talking more deeply about everything? Do you think a more in-depth conversation would be important for you to have?

I'm also so sorry to hear you've had non-consensual experiences with family members. It sounds like there has been some general lack of communication around everything/big topics for a young person to understand, therefore it makes complete sense to reflect on everything now as an adult and feel some guilt and lingering confusion.

I understand wanting to reserve some of these services for people in direct need. Do you think you'd be open to contacting 1 or 2 and inquiring if your need aligns with their services? After all, they're there to help and may be a better fit than you initially thought. I've also found some additional free to low-cost services in Arkansas that may be worth checking out if they are near you: https://womensfoundationarkansas.org/ch ... rtnership/ and https://openpathcollective.org/city/littlerock/