Different Ideas of How to Pace Our Sex Life

[forest_wave]

I'm in a new-ish relationship that's been exclusive about five months now. The mental/emotional connection feels good, we see eye to eye on a lot of things, but our sex life has been developing very slowly. Anything we've done has been fully clothed, not touching each other's primary erogenous zones, at most grinding on each other, nothing that gets me close to orgasm. Moving very slowly is what feels right for them (they expressed this when we talked about it briefly), so *obviously* I'm sensitive to that, I want to honor how they feel, and certainly want to avoid putting any pressure on them to do anything uncomfortable. However, despite my relative sexual inexperience I'm very interested in sex, there are a lot of things I'd be curious to try/experiment with a partner, and when I think about my ideal relationship, a fun, dynamic sex life, sexy flirting, etc. is a part of that.

In other words, there are things about the relationship that are great, but our sex life (or lack thereof) just isn't what I want it to be, I worry about whether/when it will progress to a point that feels good for both of us, and I worry that my partner wouldn't share my sexual interests/fantasies. I worry about bringing this up or how I would, because I don't know how I would do so in a way that wouldn't put pressure on them or make them uncomfortable. So, I guess I have a few questions (that are all intertwined, really): how might I go about having that conversation? How can I parse out how I feel about all this in connection to the relationship as a whole, and is the question of how to weigh the importance of sex in a relationship purely a personal one? How would a relationship fare if each partner's sex drive is too far apart?

[Sam W]

Hi forest_wave,

So, I think one way to approach the conversation is to be honest about the fact that the sex you two are having now isn't super pleasurable for you, but frame the conversation as being about the two of you finding things you're both comfortable AND excited to try together, rather than trying to convince them to do certain things (it doesn't sound like you'd do that, but the more you can frame this as being about the twin processes of finding new things to try while checking in about boundaries, the more it will be clear this isn't about pressuring them). If you haven't already used them, these two tools might be helpful in having that conversation: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist, https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... een_zine_0,

As for how to fit the question of different sex drive (or needs around the pace of sex) into the question of the relationship as a whole, you're right that that's one of those things that's pretty personal. Some people find that other elements of the relationship make them happy enough that it's worth adjusting their own expectations or wants around sex in order to maintain it. Others find that sexual compatibility is important enough to them that it makes more sense to end the relationship. There's lots of other conclusions between those two ends of the spectrum, and none of them are the "correct" one to come to.

I think a useful question to ask yourself as part of teasing all this out is: what about sex, or sexual exploration and experimentation, is important to you? Is it the physical sensations? The excitement of trying something new? The connection with your partner? Something else?

[forest_wave]

Thank you for that very helpful advice and the resources! To your last point, I think it's a bit of all three of those things (maybe the excitement factor being first among them). I like the feeling of connection I have when we're making out or cuddling, and part of what I want is to take it to a new level, plus the excitement and good feelings that I'm hoping for when I think about sex generally. With all that in mind, is the goal of parsing that out for myself just to better understand what I'm thinking, or is it helpful/applicable in other ways? E.g. if I'm craving excitement, would it be good to incorporate that into the relationship in non-sexual ways, or is that irrelevant if I'm thinking about it in the context of sex?

[Heather]

Hey there, forest_wave. I think that what you're asking in this last post is for sure something to bring to your partner in the larger conversation you're going to have with them.

It may well be that something that feels right to both of you is finding some middle ground where you're getting more of what you want from sex (whether or not all of it is coming from sexual things, specifically), and where whatever those things are you're doing, they also feel like a good fit. For example, it could be that sexting together is something that gives you that excitement but also feels like a good for for them. It could be that filling out and talking about one of these together is a good fit for that: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _stocklist It could be that swimming together is, etc.

[forest_wave]

So, an update: I tried bringing this up, and it didn't go well. For context, it was during a conversation about our relationship generally, in which they were expressing they'd like to see me be more expressive with my thoughts and feelings (on the one hand, not my strong suit, on the other, they know I'm a more laid-back person) and take a little more initiative with planning our dates, etc. I felt like the convo had gotten to a positive place, so I thought I'd bring up sex. Per the above, I introduced it from an angle of, "I'd be excited to talk sometime about different things we could explore together, what we'd like to do," at which point they got mad at me (I'm not extrapolating--their words were, I'm mad right now) and it was very touchy between us for a few days after. Their reasoning was more or less, well why can you be open and take initiative about that but not other things. On the one hand, I totally understand their point, and felt awful that they felt that way. On the other, I feel kinda put out that I was being (I think) open and receptive to what they were saying to me in our convo, then I brought up something that was on my mind and it got shut down. It feels right now like we can't even talk about it. So, I need someone to shoot straight and give me some tough love if I need it: am I being insensitive? Did I entirely botch how I handled this? How can I address it going forward?

[Heather]

Hey there.

(I don't like or use the phrase "tough love" because it originated with a very deceptive and abusive theory about how to parent "unruly" teens, one that I personally experienced no less. None of what I'm about to say is that or anything like that.)

It does sound to me like this wasn't great timing on your part, but I also don't see how you could have known that before you brought it up. In other words, I get why you brought it up in this setting, and why it felt like a good place for it, but it's also clear that...well, it just wasn't. Sometimes it happens that we do something that hurts or upsets someone without having actually done anything wrong, know what I mean?

It is sounding to me like this relationship as a sexual -- versus a platonic or mostly platonic one -- relationship just might not be right for either of you, and I wonder if some of this tension and reaction is this person also catching that vibe? In your first post here, you just seem to be describing a strong want for a kind of relationship that looks very different than this one you're in. And it sounds like this person doesn't want what you want sexually right now.

Can I ask if this relationship being sexually exclusive is something you both want and that feels right for you? How did that agreement come about, and what was its basis? Is exclusivity/monogamy something you both want, separate from each other? Or, might it be possible for you to be in and build this relationship, which you seem to be very into, while also seeking out other sexual partners that are a better match for what you want in that respect?

[forest_wave]

Hi,

(thanks for that disclaimer)

Yep, I think slowly but surely I've come to that realization. It hurts me to say it's starting to dampen my enthusiasm for the relationship as a whole, and yet. (It seems like it's maybe indirectly bringing up some of the repressed purity-culture religious ideas around sex that I thought I had purged from my system, namely that it's weird or wrong to want sex, think of sex as a valid need, etc. But maybe that's for the next post...)

Sexual exclusivity is not something we've ever specifically talked about. We became exclusive partners pretty quickly--at the time, I was worried it might have been too quick--and we didn't really talk about sex at all before we committed to each other in that way. I'd consider an open relationship--right now, it seems like sexual exclusivity would mean not having the sex life I want, not for a while anyway--but it doesn't feel like something I could bring up to them and have it go anything but poorly (both from what I know of them and things they've said about folx they know in non-ex partnerships--nothing demeaning, just that they don't necessarily agree with it). So I feel a little stuck there.

I also feel compelled to note that other elements of my life feel out of whack right now--work life, friend circles, own interests--and in the relationship specifically, I'm sensing there might be a disconnect between us as far as them wanting something more serious and long-term while that's not where my head's at right now, in no small part because of what I just mentioned, as well as everything in this thread. Which is to say, the sexual incompatibility is something I'm concerned and upset about, but I also wonder if I'm making it seem worse than it really is.

[Heather]

I'm sorry it sounds like you're in an all-around tough spot right now.

What do you think about just thinking about all this on your own right now while you wait on things settling down on the whole? Maybe even having fewer in-person hangouts with this person for a little bit so you can focus on all of the things that are creating challenges for you right now, and not accumulate more stress around this for the time being?

[forest_wave]

Yeah, that seems like what's needed. Thanks so much for all your input!