Nonconsent during sex...how to recover?

[Lazulirose]

A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I had dry sex and during so, he removed all his clothing and touched me with his bare penis without asking me and continued with the dry sex (I had underwear on and we were in a spooning position so I wasn't totally aware of what was about to happen until it happened). I just laid there and took it uncomfortably until I remembered that I could actually tell him to stop.

He stopped the moment I asked him to and was sorry but I was already feeling violated and upset. He apologized really thoroughly and said he was stupid and wrong for not asking for consent every step of the way, which I appreciate.

We've agreed to take a break from sex + sexual talk and now our relationship has recovered but my perception of sex is a bit damaged. It feels uncomfortable to masturbate or to think about resuming sex/sexual talk.

Everything just kind of sucks inside my head and we've just started LDR for uni and it's like my last sexual experience with him for months was spoiled. I know it's not possible but I keep having anxiety that I'm pregnant and I think it might just be from the discomfort of what happened.

How do I move on from this? Is what happened really that bad (I don't know how to define it)? And is our sex life salvageable from this? Thank you in advance xx

[Michaela]

Hi Lazulirose,

I’m so sorry that that situation happened to you. It sounds like it felt very violating and in situations where our bodies experience stress and shock like that one of the normal responses is to freeze which seems like what might have happened to you. I’m glad to hear that you were able to voice that you wanted him to stop and that he immediately did, but you are right that there should have been quite a few more check-in’s and communication along the way before reaching that level.

You said that your relationship has recovered and I was wondering if you could talk about that a little more. Have you been able to have more conversations about what happened?

It sounds totally reasonable that you are wanting a break from anything sex related while you process the experience. This is something that you can explore in your own time and it doesn’t need to be rushed. How have your other sexual experiences gone in the past? Have there been things you have enjoyed and made you feel empowered? And what type of things would you want to change or be different in the future?

In terms of pregnancy, if it will help to assuage some of the anxiety, the fact that there was no direct genital contact and there was no ejaculation makes pregnancy impossible for that experience. I know you said you know this but I thought it might help to hear it come from someone else as well.

[Lazulirose]

Thank you for your response, I'm really grateful for it

Regarding the recovery of my relationship, I told him everything that I felt the day after and I got to tell my boyfriend honestly about everything that I felt and he didn't interrupt or try and justify anything, which was nice. We haven't talked about sex or don't anything sexual since (so for about 3 weeks), but during the first week he listened to me when I remembered what happened and got upset.

I'd say the relationship has recovered because we don't have any tension between us and we've just gone back to our regular dynamic (although missing the usual sexual element). There was a lot of apologizing on his end and I told him I forgave him but just needed the time and space sexually (which is true).


In the past I've been pretty good at knowing what I want sexually, but in my relationship there's a slight imbalance in libido that we struggled with (with mine being lower than his), so honestly there's been a personal mindset that I need to loosen up and have more sex but it's a complicated matter in my mind. Thankfully more recently we've reached a good equilibrium between the two of us that doesn't pressure me, but there's an element of "I'm not good enough because I couldn't match him and I stopped him and felt uncomfortable".

There have been lots of things during sex and masturbation that I enjoyed and felt comfortable with, but now I'm not so sure what I'd like or what I'd want changed after this event, and I'm not sure how to figure it out on my own. I'm also not sure whether I should bring up the topic of sex again if I'm not sure I'm ready to restart sexual activity. I'm just worried about leaving my boyfriend high and dry for too long and that causing resentment...

[Jacob]

Hey Lazulirose,

I think I want to add here that any hypothetical resentment he would hold for you not wanting sex would not be your responsibility at all.

I also think sometimes the chemistry isn't there as much as we want it to be, and that can affect our communication and our interest in sex. So I wonder how helpful it is to imagine that the issue is you not loosening up or not having a high enough libido. That seems pretty self-blamy to me!

He's been receptive to your feedback, but if you're just not feeling it anymore it's probably worth asking the question: if you weren't already in this relationship, would you choose to be in it as it is now?