I don’t want to have a relationship with my father anymore

[Hi :)]

Hi.

So, as the title says, I don’t want to have a relationship with my father anymore and I’m feeling pretty conflicted and confused.
Also, I’m not in any immediate danger, so please don’t call CPS or anything like that.

For context, my dad is a bad person and I don’t want to associate myself with him anymore because of it.

He’s an alcoholic and I think he may be using other substances, like cocaine and cannabis. He has a bad temper and his behaviour is unpredictable and can be quite aggressive. He hasn’t been physically violent with me for years now, I only remember him hitting (spanking) me a few times when I was really little, so when I say he’s aggressive I mean he yells and tells me and my family he’s going to commit suicide. He’s had a habit of screaming in my face since I was a young child, but it happens less now because I don’t talk back to him or argue with him anymore. He still yells and hits things around him, but because he has difficulty regulating his emotions not because he’s trying to hurt me. He was also sort of emotionally neglectful, he didn’t spend a lot of quality time with me or my siblings.

He’s also very irresponsible. He’s driven while drunk, both while he’s alone and while me or my siblings were in the car with him. He also has a habit of driving fast and recklessly when he’s angry, so I try to avoid making him angry when I’m in the car with him.

And recently (some months ago), My mom told me that he sexually assaulted her, (secretly took off his condom and ejaculated inside of her without consent because he wanted another child and she didn’t, which is how she got pregnant with me btw).

He also neglected and mistreated his elderly mother. (He hasn’t lived with us for a while, he moved back into his moms house when my parents broke up) He’d feed her, but put a lot more effort into his own meals than hers if that makes sense. And he’d change her and stuff, but he didn’t bathe her as much as he should’ve. My mom said that apparently she’d gone 5 months without a shower because my dad wouldn’t bathe her and both my dad and my grandma refused to hire a caregiver. My grandma died last year, not because of her being neglected, but because she was 88 years old. I was 15 then and I feel really bad for not reporting her neglect to the police. I genuinely wasn’t aware of what was going on for a long time, but even when I found out I still didn’t report it because I was scared of what would happen to me or my family if I did. I know that sounds selfish and I feel really guilty about it, but my dad scares me sometimes and I didn’t think I had the power to help her. Also, in where I live and especially in my family it’s kind of a rule that we don’t get police involved with anything. Me and my mom would go to my grandmas house sometimes to cheer her up and to bring her food and flowers because she liked them, but my dad didn’t allow us to go to their house a lot of the times and if he did, we weren’t allowed to stay for long.

Along with doing all those terrible things, he’s just a mean, angry person in general. He’s says so many racist, homo/transphobic, sexist, bigoted things, he talks about wanting to hurt people a lot, and he’s told me stories of him beating people up or committing petty crimes.

Even though my dad doesn’t live with me anymore I’ve still had a relationship with him. I see him quite often because he tries to make up for being a bad parent by taking me and my siblings on drives or buying us little treats. And he pays child support, not legally, him and my mom made a deal so he wouldn’t have to pay as much as he would legally have to. He also comes by a lot to argue with my mom and to harass her for money and cigarettes or to spy on us. (He’s been caught in our parking lot watching us when he wasn’t supposed to be there). But I really don’t want to see him anymore.

I kind of feel bad for saying all these things because even though my dad is awful and has done everything I’ve said here, I’ve still had some good times with him. I would be able to forgive him if he had only hurt me, but he hurt my mom and the rest of my family and probably a lot of other people to, so I can’t forgive him on behalf of other people, you know? I also feel bad because I know my dad had a very rough and abusive childhood, that obviously doesn’t excuse his actions now, but it does make me feel sad for him sometimes.

I’m kind of afraid to cut him off. I’m afraid of how he might react to it, like I said before he can be aggressive and he’s already said he wants to commit suicide. But I’m also afraid because we rely on him a little bit, he’s the reason our landlords let us rent the house we live in, he’s the reason my mom was able to buy her car (I think), his money is the reason my mom can pay rent, and he’s who I go to for things my mom can’t help me with. And this might sound selfish, but I’m afraid of not having a dad.

So, yeah, I’m feeling pretty conflicted. On one hand, my dad is a bad person and that makes me a bad person by association, so I should cut him off. On the other hand, I’m not sure how to cut him off safely.

I don’t know, this is difficult for me. I feel confused, anxious, lonely, and like I’m a bad person. This is mainly a vent post, but if anyone has any advice on how to cope with this, it would be greatly appreciated!

[Hi :)]

Also, I just noticed that in my post it sounded like my dad was starving my grandma which isn’t true. I just meant he would buy himself food that was more expensive and tasted better btw.

[Jacob]

Hey, I think you make a pretty good case to not have a relationship with your dad anymore!

It sounds like there's money stuff with your mum which still might affect you, but not anything that would require you to actually spend time with him?

With things like this, where the pushback itself feels it's own stress, it can be good to plot out some smaller boundaries, and life-steps that will bring you closer to being more independent of him. I say that to mean that it doesn't have to be instantaneous if that's part of what's overwhelming.

[Hi :)]

Hi. I realized this a long time ago, but some of what I said here wasn’t true because I wrote it in the midst of an OCD episode. (I’m not professionally diagnosed, but what I experience is consistent with OCD symptoms.)

I actually wasn’t aware of literally anything that my dad did until after the fact. I mean, I sort of knew my dad was a bad person, but I didn’t know about the serious stuff (the abuse, neglect, crimes, ect.) until after it happened.

I don’t know why I blamed myself for that stuff tbh. I think it’s just cause I have really low self esteem and am always searching for reasons as to why I’m an awful person. I’ve already expressed this before in other posts, though.

[Latha]

Hi, Hi (typing that is still amusing)

Ah, I see- I don't think this changes the fact that you're justified in not wanting a relationship with your father. What do you think?

I don’t know why I blamed myself for that stuff tbh. I think it’s just cause I have really low self esteem and am always searching for reasons as to why I’m an awful person. I’ve already expressed this before in other posts, though.

It is good to know our patterns- it can help us catch ourselves. I'm glad you don't feel like blaming yourself now.