Scarleteen

Hi,

I know this sounds weird. Anybody can reply if they want to, but please don’t judge me. I’m already embarrassed enough and this is genuinely difficult to type out.

So, basically, I have a spanking kink and last year I found a couple scenes from Family Guy where Chris was being spanked. I found these arousing, not because I was attracted to the people involved, but because most spanking related things are arousing to me.

Chris is said to be 15 and I was 15 at the time as well, so that doesn’t bother me, but in one of the scenes Chris is being spanked by Stewie. I masturbated to this scene and I feel really guilty about it because Stewie is a baby. That’s obviously not the reason I masturbated to it, I didn’t even really realize Stewie was involved in it until after I was done. I mean, I’d seen the scene before, so I knew Stewie was in it, but I was focussed on Chris the entire time. I wasn’t focused or thinking of Stewie at all. Once I finished and realized that it was inappropriate to masturbate to because Stewie was in it, I stopped and never did it again.

Even though I know for a fact I’m not attracted to Stewie or any children in that way, I still feel like a pedophile because of this. Do you think this makes me a pedophile or a bad person? If this does make me a bad person, how can I make up for it?

Hi there, Hi!

I don't think this makes you a pedophile or a bad person. For one, you said it yourself, you weren't really interested in Stewie anyway. Too, I think it can be useful to remember that we can have fantasies/feel attracted to things that we wouldn't actually want in real life- our minds can do strange things. So feeling attraction to taboo things doesn't mean you're a bad person. Does this make sense?

Yeah, that makes sense. To be fair, I don’t even think I was aroused by it tbh. I just assumed that because I’ve been aroused by other spanking related things and I masturbated to that scene, but I also have a habit of masturbating while watching random things out of pure boredom. So, I think I that’s probably the reason why I did it to that scene.

I think I also just assumed that because I have a habit of assuming the worst about myself and sometimes I’ll try to search for things to “prove” that I’m a bad person or want to hurt people. Especially because I get intrusive thoughts a lot and sometimes they involve children.

Thanks for answering, though.

The thoughts that you described- assuming the worst of yourself and searching for things that prove you're a bad person and want to hurt people- sound very stressful. Have you ever sought out mental health support for that kind of thing? Would you want to? If you do, maybe we could help you find it.

Hi Latha,

I’m sorry for waiting so long to reply, I wasn’t sure how to respond tbh.

No, I haven’t really talked to anybody about that specifically, but I have tried to talk to people about my mental health in general. I’ve visited my school mental health counsellor a few times, but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing things with her and I can’t see her again now because it’s summer break.

I also saw an emergency counsellor before because I was having really strong suicidal thoughts. I’ve talked to my mom before about finding a long term therapist for me and she’s tried to find one, but we haven’t had any luck unfortunately.

I’m not sure how exactly you guys could help me, but I’m open to it, I guess.

Hi Hi ,

It can be so frustrating to be trying to find mental healthcare and be unable to. We might be able to help you out by helping you find a resource that's accessible to you. Do you know if the trouble your mom has been having finding a therapist for you is related to money, location, or something else?

Hi Sam W,

I’m not sure why my mom is having trouble finding a therapist tbh. Money may have something to do with it, but I think it’s more so because there doesn’t seem to be a lot of therapists where we live. Or at least I think there isn’t.

I was given some other options, but I don’t think they’d work well for me. Like, I was given a phone number and supposedly I’d be able to speak to a therapist over the phone, but that sounds awful because I’d be at home and I’d be paranoid that someone was secretly listening to our conversation.

Part of the reason I can’t see a therapist is my fault as well tbh. Because I get really nervous and I don’t feel safe sharing personal things with people sometimes.

That makes a lot of sense - virtual/phone therapy is a great option for some people, but for others, it means your family might overhear. Are there any consistent times when you're home alone, like a certain day of the week at a certain time? If not, do you think you could sit somewhere a bit more secluded for the sessions? For example, I used to sit in my mom's car for phone therapy sessions.

Hey! I just wanna say, reading through this, I’m almost 100% certain that most of your problems are actually rooted in OCD. The reassurance-seeking, ruminating, trying to rationalize everything, etc. are surefire signs of OCD - I had it for a long time too and it focused around pretty much the exact same fears. So I just wanted to let you know that, because I noticed a lot of the signs, and the first step to feeling better is understanding where your fears are coming from!