Bi or lesbian?

[Yukkish]

Hii!! I'm new here so please don't judge if I do something wrong hahah I just came across this site wondering about one thing that has been confusing me a little. I've identified as a lesbian for more than 7 years now and I'm 100% sure that I'm homoromantic, but not sure about my sexual orientation. I've never had sexual experience so I think I can only rely on fantasies etc. as for now; I'm definitely sexually attracted to women, and I've never ever been obsessed with guys, I've always had no interest/disliked male body, its structure, secondary sex characteristics, the shape, and other parts like torso. However, sometimes I find myself kinda attracted to male genitalia (yet nothing else in men), and I'm not sure if that counts as being attracted to men, or if I just like the very idea of penetration/domination/power etc. that comes with it (which is typically depicted by men)? When it comes to porn and erotica, they're mostly women-centered, but lesbian porn doesn't always work for me for the same reason, I think I'm lacking the roughness and domination maybe?? I feel like it's just not the same as when it involves a man. Nevetheless, I don't like fantasising about men on their own, rather the parts and women interacting with the parts. This really confuses me I wonder if anyone has had similar experience. Could this be a sign that I'm bisexual, or maybe I'm unintentionally fetishising male genitalia etc.? I would really appreciate your thoughts ! :~)

[Carly]

Hey Yukkish -- welcome to the boards! There's a lot we can talk about here, and I'm going to start to chisel away at it. Something I want to say up top is that we're not going to be able to tell you how you feel. You're going to be the #1 authority on your own sexuality, words that feel good, etc. All we can do is help guide you through sorting this out.

I'm really curious about how sex, gender, and sexuality are intertwined for you. You said that when a man is present in the porn you're watching, it brings a sense of "roughness" or domination. These qualities aren't so much innate to men as they are what we are taught to associate with (cis)men and their presence culturally. Have you ever watched porn or fantasized about a scenario where women were more "dominant" toward one another? Does that/would that feel different?

[Yukkish]

Hi, thank you so much for your response! I know that you can't tell for sure because it's my sexuality, after all, but still... I agree that the "domination" (I'm mostly talking about cis people here) men traditionally bring stems from patriarchy, I know it's not really innate. However, maybe that is the problem: I can't perceive women as being so rough and dominant, I really can't. There's always some softness to them, I just can't see them otherwise, so that's why femdom isn't the same as traditional straight sex scenarios for me. Now that I'm thinking about this, I'm really surprised, because your question is spot-on. I'm thinking whether my problem might be rooted in patriarchy and if I'm used to perceiving men as "better" to women and sometimes even inhumane in their roughness as they're often depicted, for example, in straight porn (sorry for sounding rude here)? Women are (in my perception, of course) more tender, not capable of being as dominant and powerful. But I think the thing is that I feel this rather stemming from the inside than the outside. I just can't feel or imagine the same harshness coming from women. That's really interesting... I don't really know how to explain that

[Nicole]

Hi Yukkish,

I want to add something that could create some dialogue and thought into what you're experiencing. You've referenced porn a lot in your description of the roles of men and women during sex. I'm sure you know this, but porn does not depict sex realistically, especially the roles of men and women. This can influence your perception of men being rough and dominant and women being soft and tender. Realistically, there are many, many men who are soft and tender when it comes to sexual activity, and vice versa with women. So, I'm not sure if being with a man would provide the roughness and dominance that you're looking for. I hope any of that makes sense. I just wanted to share something that popped into my head while reading this thread.

Also, to respond to what you mentioned about patriarchy--yes, that could be the case. I think this goes into the misrepresentation of gender and gender roles in sexual media. We have some resources on this if you're interested in learning more. Although, you do mention that you believe this is stemming from the inside rather than the outside, could you clarify and expand on this a bit more?

[Yukkish]

Thank you!! Honestly, I'm really sorry if I didn't answer your question, I just can't properly put this into words myself. I do feel like this is stemming somewhere from the inside rather than the outside, but, you know, maybe it just has been imposed on me for so long that it's now rooted in my brain? I can't understand, I guess I'll have to give a thought to that because you obviously can't do that for me, though I very much appreciate your help on my way to self-understanding Yes, I do understand that porn is different from real life, but the problem is that I'm not sure if I'll ever have any real experience, and naturally, I want answers as soon as possible. I'm at this stage of my life where I'm in active search of myself and my identity, and the springs of uncertainty that could ruin my self-perception are quite worrying. Maybe I shouldn't create all that fuss about it now? I think it's also a problem that I might be hurrying it, I mean that I want to know who I am more or less precisely, I hope you get it And I've been comrfortable with my current label for more than 7 years, it's quite a long time and, if you understand, it's a little worrying when I start to doubt what I thought was set in stone.
Of course, I'm interested in whatever resources you could provide about that Thank you so much!!

[Heather]

Hi there, Yukkish.

I personally find it helpful around a lot of things to remind myself that there really is no knowing ourselves precisely. Knowing who we are is always in a state of flux, because we, in our lives in this world are never in a static state. With something like sexuality, there simply are no forevers or parts that will never move for sure, including with who we are in it. As a result, if someone gets really attached to the false notion that sexuality, including identity, is unchangeable, when change does happen, it can be really upsetting, and create a lot of anxiety that often wouldn't be so high otherwise.

I also personally don't really like looking at the ways we describe ourselves as "labels" and I think doing so is another one of those things that can create more stress and anxiety than good. No one needs one or two words of shorthand to describe any or all of their sexuality. They can come in handy sometimes, for sure, like on dating apps or when we are talking to people we don't have time or space to go into depth with, but in the end, all they really are is shorthand for things that, to be really explained, often need a lot more words.

Your words, right now, for instance, could be "questioning" or it could still be "lesbian" if you want or need shorthand and those work for you. With more words, it could be more like "lesbian, but lately my attraction has been a little more expansive when it comes to my fantasy life," or "questioning, but I am mostly attracted to women." What words you use for what you know up to now and in the present also don't have to be the same for everyone or every situation. None of us needs to pick a word or words and lock down some kind of commitment to it. If we're just talking about what words you use, this is language, and just like any other, what we use often depends a lot on context. Do you get what I mean?

I do want to leave a gentle note that a penis and tests isn't automatically male genitalia, and only is if and when the person with those parts identifies themselves as a man. A penis and tests on a trans women, for instance, or a nonbinary person, are not generally parts folks in those groups are going to identify as male. Same goes with some of the ways you're describing what you say is a male body on the whole, male behaviour or female behaviour: the coding of those things as male and female is more often something people are assigning sex or gender, rather than what the person with those body parts or with a given kind of behaviour are saying are expressions of their sex or gender. I suspect this super binary way of thinking about gender, and thinking about who you want as a partner based on their body parts or gender-coded behaviour is actually a big part of what's tripping you up here.

What happens if you sit with all this making it a given that there is no one kind of body or set of parts that makes someone a man or a woman, that even within just those two identities, there is a very wide range of what those things are? What happens if you include people who don't identify themselves as men or women at all in your thinking about this? And to circle back to what I first brought up, what happens if you try and let go of the idea that one word or framework for who you feel attracted to will never change? What happens if you think about experiences of attraction, and ideas about who you want to be with, as something fluid that can change even every day in some small ways, and that that's okay?