Neurodivergence and desire

[Pretarius]

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in high school. I've struggled with inattention and hyperactivity my entire life, but it felt good to get a name for all the things I was dealing with on a day-to-day basis.

I've always been more on the kinky side, I think. I tend to have varied, vivid, and unusual fantasies, and I fantasize frequently. Some of my interests are pretty socially acceptable, and some aren't. I understand that this is common for neuro-divergent folks.

My hyperactivity makes it hard for me to actually do anything about it, though. I worry that I would disappoint my partner or simply "not do it right" if I got overwhelmed or want to move around or deal with sensory stuff. I am a virgin, in a loving relationship, but my fear of doing a bad job is keeping me from doing any job. I think that probably a lot of people in my position (virgin, kind of new to this) would have the same reservations, but the issues I have with mental clarity and consistency add another layer to it.

I guess I just wondered if anyone has any advice for a person in my position. I have desires and I talk about them, but then I don't really initiate. Turning thoughts into action is what I'm struggling with, I guess. I've talked to my friends and to my partner, but none of them have ADHD, so it's difficult to relate my experiences.

[Latha]

Hi there, Pretarius- welcome to the boards!

I'm glad your diagnosis gave you the language you needed <3

You know, the first thing I want to say is: nobody should feel like there's no place for making mistakes in sex. As with everything in life that isn't perfectly choreographed and practiced beforehand, sometimes we make mistakes, or things don't go the way we expect them to. That's okay- it is best to just laugh these things off.

Frankly, I wouldn't think it's that big of a deal if a partner needed a moment to deal with sensory issues or being overwhelmed. I'm not sure what exactly might make you feel like that, but a good place to start would be by thinking about how to accommodate those needs and communicating with your partner about that. For example, would certain kinds of touch or stimulation make you feel more overwhelmed? Is there anything you'd like to avoid? Also, anecdotally, I have heard that incorporating consistent verbal communication (like asking each other questions and dirty talk) can help people stay in the moment.

(To make sure I'm understanding this correctly, are your worries about not doing it right the main things preventing you from turning your thoughts into action? Or is it that you want to initiate, but can't make yourself do it?)