Scarleteen

I hope I’m doing this right, I just made an account here because I’m pretty distraught. I’m 17 (ftm, pre T) and I’m worried because sexual pleasure is rare for me to experience. Even when I touch the clit directly, i can barely feel any pleasure. Also fingering is a painful experience for me, and I feel an overwhelming burning sensation whenever I do it. I think it’s because I’m not mentally aroused, but I’m not sure how to even do that in the first place. Whenever I do get aroused (i think) it’s during the daytime but I can’t relieve myself because of parents. By the time it’s night I can’t get aroused no matter what I do, and like I said sensation in the clit or inside become close to 0. I’m guessing this is a mental arousal problem, but I’m not entirely sure. Does lack of mental arousal keep you from feeling any sort of pleasure completely? And if so what should I do, I’m worried that I won’t ever have a normal sex life. I don’t think I’m pressuring myself to orgasm, nor do I have much insecurity over my body, but I just want to be able to take more than a finger without it burning like hell. Any advice?

Hi meleep,

One thing I can tell you right off the bat is that the things you're experiencing now don't mean you won't have a "normal" sex life down the road. For starters, there isn't really such a thing as "normal" sex; there's just the kind(s) of sex that people do or don't engage in depending on things like their desires, how their bodies are, etc. But we've also seen on our direct services that struggles with arousal are way more common than some people think, and that people can and do work through them and connect with that part of themselves.

When it comes to arousal and masturbation, a really helpful starting place could be looking at this article and seeing if there are recommendations in it that you could try: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms. Since you mention you notice what you think is arousal during the day when your parents are home, would it help to talk about how to find the space and time to masturbate when you don't have a ton of privacy?

As far as the pain goes, when you try inserting your fingers, are you using any lube?

Thank you for the reply, yes I use lube but it still burns a lot, almost like I’m too tight regardless of how much lubrication I use. And when it comes to finding time throughout the day, I don’t really think I can, since our house is quite small and my door doesnt have a lock.
I do have sexual fantasies and such that I like, but I feel like it never translates to my body. Or the complete opposite happens, where my body is aroused but mentally I can never get into it. The best way to describe it is that there’s always a disconnect between my mind and body, and because of that I have trouble with producing any natural lubrication or pleasure

Thanks for those details!

So, it does sound like arousal, or lack of it, might be behind the pain you're noticing, especially if the pain or discomfort only happens when you try to masturbate.

When it comes to privacy, what's the bathroom situation like where you live? Would you be able to use that space for masturbation if you wanted to?

Can you take a look at this article and see if the discussion of arousal discordance feels like it describes what you've noticed about your own arousal patterns? https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... nt_line_up

Since our house is small my family only has one bathroom (for the 4 of us). I could use it if I wanted to, but I don’t think I’ll be relaxed because I’ll constantly be checking if someone is about to walk in or not. And yes when I read the article the arousal discordance applied to me

Oof, yeah, I can see how that bathroom situation would probably just add stress to the mix.

When you're thinking about that mismatch between your mental arousal and your physical arousal, do you have sense of what things are causing each type of arousal? Are those things then absent when the other kind of arousal happens?

It’s hard to explain, but when my body feels a sense of arousal it’s usually during the day (1-4pm) but my family is always home so I’m to anxious to try anything. On the other hand I always have time to myself from 10pm ish where mentally I feel relaxed enough to try, but for some reason my body just never gets into it. During the day I can usually feel myself getting aroused just by laying there, but during the night (where im deliberatly trying to) my body just kinda shuts down even when I add porn into the mix. It seems really random to me, no matter what I do once it’s nightime I can never function the way my body does during the day

Hi Meleep,

I wonder if you're having difficulties masturbating at night because you're physically tired- do you think it could help to try to masturbate in the morning after you wake up?

To throw another idea out there, do you think this disconnect could be due to dysphoria?

I‘ve never tried during the morning before actually, might give that a try if I can. And yes I think it could also be partly connected to dysphoria because I find myself imaging a lot how better the whole experience would be if I was born with different body parts. Unfortunately I have no idea if I can get hrt anytime soon, so I’m trying to find ways to live with it

Hey meleep -- have you ever masturbated in a way where you didn't directly touch your genitals, like humping a pillow? It sounds like what you've been doing hasn't been feeling great to begin with, but sometimes that can also help with dysphoria while masturbating.

Oh yeah I’ve tried that but unfortunatley I don’t feel anything that way either. Honestly I think I’ve run out of options so I’m kind of just waiting until I can get T (which is hopefully in a year) to see if anything changes

I hope you're able to get on T soon as well!

I do wonder, do you think adding in sex toys of some kind might be useful? They can introduce novelty, which can help generate excitement and arousal, and new sensations that might make masturbation more pleasurable for you.