i feel so stupid

[naurmi008]

i went to a party last night. i was having a lot of fun at first, and then my close guy friend came up to me and gave me a drink, and i stupidly accepted it (i know i'm not supposed to accept drinks from people but i rlly trusted this guy). and then i started feeling really lightheaded and all wobbly. at some point, my close guy friend dragged me to a room and just sat me on top of him and grinded myself onto him. i feel so stupid i wish i could've said no but i felt so limp and i just froze. i think he ejaculated (?) because i felt a damp spot on his pants. he just threw me back and pulled my pants down and started to touch my genitals (vulva and clit). i feel so dumb for letting that happen to me i wish i could go back in time and just say no or not accept that drink or not go to that party in the first place.
i feel so scared. i can't shake the fear and anxiety of getting possibly pregnant from this (i've been reading the resources here but i keep getting worried that maybe he touched the damp spot and got semen on his fingers etc). and how am i supposed to tell my boyfriend? what if he gets mad at me? how do i face thisguy friend? i have to see him quite often too. i feel so shameful and disgusting i wish i could've just done something to prevent it. and like i know i could've done something to not let this happen and i justfeel so incompetent
i was conscious (like i could feel, see, and sense everything happening) and i remember it all, i just couldn't move at that time and that makes me feel even dumber because whydidn't i just push him off or say no.
and now everything the people at school said about me being a whore feels so true. i just feel so scared and confused
i'm so sorry for this long vent thing, i just didn't know who to talk to about this

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

I'm so sorry your friend chose to do this to you; that's a massive violation of trust, and you're not stupid or bad or anything like that for this happening to you. One of the things that can happen when we're under stress is that we freeze rather than fighting or fleeing, and it sounds like that might have been what happened to you here.

What would be the way we could best support you around all this?

[naurmi008]

hi, i've kind of calmed down
can i get a slap across the face telling me that iwon't get pregnant from everything he did tome? iswhat he did manual sex and dry humping? i feel like i should be more worried about the fact that he violated me but honestly i think i've gotten more used to that. i'm so so so anxious that somehow i'll get pregnant from this and my boyfriend will think i cheated on him and my parents will be upset with me.
could i get some advice on how to talk about this to my boyfriend? i don't want to lose him because of my possible stupid choiceof wording
and am i not a whore for this? i feel so "dirty" because of this

[Sam W]

So, nothing you're describing here can cause pregnancy, so it might help to shift your focus from worrying about that to what you want to do in terms of getting support (and avoiding this friend in the future). You didn't do anything wrong, and you're not dirty or bad because someone chose to do this to you (too, the negative word you keep using to refer to yourself technically means someone who engages in sex work, which isn't bad or dirty either, but that's a topic for another time).

When it comes to talking with your boyfriend, I would start by figuring out what you want from that conversation. Is it just so that someone else knows what happened? Is there a specific way he can support you that you want to ask for? Something else?

[naurmi008]

hi, thank you for putting my worries abt pregnancy risks to a rest
i feel the need to tell my boyfriend because i feel guilty..it feels like i consented to what happened and i just cheated on my boyfriend. did i cheat on him? i'm so confused
i think if i talked to him then he would support me. whenever i felt any worries regarding sexual interactions/sexual assault, he always supported me so i think i would like to talk to him about this too

[Sam W]

So, when we talk about consent, we're talking about something that is freely and enthusiastically given. It sounds like your friend may have put something in your drink, which would remove the "freely" part of that, and from your own description you never said "yes, I want this." Consent isn't the absence of a no, it's the presence of the yes. With that in mind, someone choosing to assault you isn't the same thing as cheating, which is something a person chooses to actively engage in. Does that make sense?

Since you think your boyfriend will be supportive, maybe start by explaining what happened the way you explained it to us here? And if there are specific ways he can support you (comforting you, being there if you choose to tell others what happened, etc) including those in your initial conversation with him.

[naurmi008]

okay, i think i'll do that and leave an update. thank you for your support!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, and best of luck!

[naurmi008]

hi! i feel so much better after talking to him. he comforted me and made me feel a lot better. he looked through scarleteen himself and sent me this viewtopic.php?t=12498#p65321 and the "you cannot become pregnant with pants on" and "dry humping freakout" (sorry if i got the titles wrong)to calm me down
would my the answer on that thread be applicable to my situation since there wasn't any direct contact with ejaculate and vulva (i'm guessing penis-his underwear and pants-hand-vulva makes it indirect..)?
also, my vulva is kind of swollen (?) it hurts when i pee and wipe, i'm guessing this was from the friction..? cmiiw please
and should i talk to my guy friend? i don't know if this makes me sound weird but i feel sad thinking about cutting him off. on one hand i feel disgusted by him, but he was a good friend to me so i feel very conflicted. please give me some advice about this

[Sam W]

I'm glad the conversation with your boyfriend went well and that he's being supportive! And yes, what you described here is indirect contact.

As far as your friend goes, it makes sense that you feel conflicted. When someone we cared about and trusted violates that trust in such a major way, it can really, really hard to reconcile what they did with the person they were before. But that being said, he's clearly demonstrated he's not a safe friend for you, so even if you can't remove him from your life entirely, I would consider this friendship over. If you want to confront him about what happened, that's entirely up to you, but it might help to think about what you're hoping would come from that confrontation.

Can I ask what the adults in your life are like, both your parents and others if it's relevant, when it comes not only to supporting you during a crisis, but looking out for you more generally? For instance, are there adults who you feel you can go to for advice when a situation feels potentially risky or like it's making you feel uncomfortable?

[naurmi008]

my parents (especially my mom) are the adults i trust most. my mom has always been supportive of me, but she's a tough love kinda mom. i wanted to talk to her about this because i thought i needed EC (this is always my thought process whenever i'm in the midst of a pregnancy scare. i always wanna talk to my mom because what she says calms me down), but since there's no pregnancy risk here i don't really want to talk to her about this. i know she would be disappointed since i snuck out to go this party and i told my mom i wouldn't engage in anymore sexual activities..
i know ultimately if anything were to happen to me, my parents would be supportive and help me.
the other adults in my life are pretty bad..they're all super religious and conservative

[Sam W]

I'm glad you feel like you have the support of your parents and that you trust and feel close to your mom. If do want to ask for their support around what happened at the party, that's certainly something we can talk about how to do; it may be that facing their disappointment may be worth it to get some support if you need it.

Do you feel like you're take risks like sneaking out to the part, or other things that could get you into trouble, pretty frequently? And when you're making decisions about things--sex, sneaking out, or anything else--do you feel like it's easier for you to stop and actually evaluate the risks of the decision? Or does it feel like you only realize them if something bad happens as a result of that choice?

[naurmi008]

i don't think facing my parents' disappointment is worth it right now, i'm doing okay i think with my boyfriend's support. i will tell them if things get out of hand and i need an adult's help. i don't want to burden them any further.. i feel like a really bad daughter
i think the only risks i take that could get me in trouble is regarding boys and sex. i don't know what's wrong with me.. i just can't seem to get myself to stop. and at this point my fear of pregnancy and sperm is so bad that to the point where i think holding anything a boy touched will get me pregant. aside from that, most of the boys in school are so sexist and mean to me because of the rumors going around.. it makes me want to avoid all boys in general.
and i do find it harder to think before i act. i end up regretting my decisions after almost 99% of the times

[Sam W]

So, setting aside the incident at the party since that wasn't consensual, I think it's worth digging into why you might be taking risks around boys and sex, or otherwise making choices in a way that leads to you regretting them or otherwise ending up stressed.

When you think about what's driven you to make choices you ended up not feeling great about afterwards, what were you hoping to get as a result of those choices? Does it feel like you don't even think about what risks or downsides there could be, or is it that you think about them but dismiss them?

[naurmi008]

i think i was hoping to make my significant other feel good. i guess it also made me feel "good" but not really genuinely feel good, more like a momentary thing ykwim? i think about the risks but i always say to myself "i'm gonna be safe and make sure nothing bad will come out of this (i.e. getting caught/pregnant/etc)" but after every interaction, even the smallest most non-risky ones, i end up worrying so much and regretting it

[naurmi008]

hi, would EC be necessary for this scenario? i've been conflicted on whether or not to tell my mom because if i do need EC, i can only get it by asking her to buy it (i don't know any pharmacy here that sells EC, i'm pretty sure you need a doctor's prescription to get one..) i don't really want to tell her, but i can't get the thought of "what if I need EC?" out of my mind,, i've been worrying over the fact that this guy friend touched his semen on his pants right after ejaculating and "fingered" me soon after -- even though there wasn't any visible semen on his hand i think. i feel like my fears are irrational but lately my school has been reinforcing the idea of "sex before marriage is a deadly sin!! you will 100% get punished for that!!"
also, should i report him? i feel like i "need" to, i don't want him doing this to other girls
but i think i'll get a lot of backlash from his friends (this happened to me in the past, and my guy friend being rlly popular doesn't help either). if i were to report him, i don't know who to report him to, and i don't have "evidence" of him doing that to me either.. pls help!

[Latha]

Hi there, naurmi

Yikes, that sort of sex-negative messaging can make these sorts of worries so much worse. Don't worry, you don't need EC- as Sam said, what you've described is indirect contact.

In an ideal world, I could encourage you to report without reservation, but unfortunately, we don't live there. Reporting could keep this from happing to other girls, but you'll have to weigh that against other factors, like the real possibility of social backlash that you mentioned, and whether the people you report to will take you seriously and treat you respectfully. The process could be difficult- just as you feel the need to protect other girls, you also need to protect yourself and your mental health. It would help if you had support- would the adults in your life, your friends, and your partner be there for you if you decided to report?

I can see how wanting to make your partner feel good/happy would cause you to make such choices. The thing is, having sex that you're not fully comfortable with is not the only way to achieve that. Couples can have loving, close relationships that don't involve sex. If you catch yourself thinking this way, do you think it would help to try to redirect your attention to other things you could do together that might make your partner happy?

[naurmi008]

hi Latha, thank you so much for the reassurance. is there any specific threads/articles/information on scarleteen (that applies to my situation) that i can screenshot and read when i feel anxious again?
and yes, the anti-sex propaganda style of education at my school isn't helping at all. i think it might be a contributing factor as to why i've been having so many pregnancy scares. it keeps instilling the idea of "if you have ANY KIND OF SEX before marriage, boom! you will get pregnant!!" because of the religiousness of my school's education system. it's gotten so bad that i can't even masturbate without worrying about pregnancy. i just want to be able to enjoy my sexuality and i can't! this whole party situation does not help either like ahrjwhekwjd it's so frustrating
if i were to report, i know my family and friends and ofc my partner would be supportive. i just don't know if my own mental state could handle the after effects of reporting him..
i think if i catch myself thinking "i need to be sexual with him to make him happy" i definitely want to redirect my attention to other ways to make the both of us happy. but it's hard for me to think before i act. any advice for this?

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

I might start by going back through your threads here and screenshotting the places where we explain different risks or why something didn't pose a risk, or going back to any links we've given you.

When it comes to hitting on pause on sex, either in the moment or more generally, I really like the advice Heather lays out in this article about how to slow down and what things you can redirect your energy towards: Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast. I would also take a look at this piece and see if any of the scenarios in it feel like they apply to you: When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

With more general risk, like sneaking out, do you feel like the choice to take those is coming from a similar place of trying to please other people?

[naurmi008]

hi, thank you for your response! would it be okay if i answered these questions (and ask for some help dissecting some questions i have) through the live chat feature?

[Sam W]

Sure thing! It will be open in about ten minutes.

[naurmi008]

hi! i confronted my guy friend about what happened, and he just denied it. "yeah but u didn't say no? u could've done smth ab it but u didn't lol" is what he said, which is like anrkahkdja omg this is so frustrating and upsetting. i can't believe that i have to see him again soon like ???? i feel like i want to punch his face in. is it okay to feel like this?? i don't know why i'm so suddenly angry at him when just yesterday i was feeling so sad
also, i met up with my church friends and aunts (my parents were going to meet them and i had to tag along), and let me just say the things they said to me is not helping with my worries at all
and i've been re-reading the resources here, and basically telling myself that there isn't a risk. i've basically accepted that bc there wasn't the motion of ejaculation there isn't a risk, but ofc my brain just loves chaos! i went to the bathroom right after he touched my vulva and sprayed myself w water + wiped after peeing, could this replicate the motion of ejaculation and make the sperm just magically find its way to where it has to go?
i'm pretty sure these fears are irrational and i sound ridiculous, i'm gonna try and ask my mom if i can go see my psychiatrist again and try to tell her about this. if i tell my psychiatrist that i was sexually active, would she tell my parents? or would that be confidential?

[Latha]

Hi Naurmi

Well, you're justified in feeling angry at him because he is being really awful- consent isn't the absence of a no, it is a clear, enthusiastic yes. He is just giving excuses. Honestly, I think feeling angry when you were feeling sad before makes sense- both are understandable responses

Really, your psychiatrist should maintain confidentiality, but I can't guarantee that she will, especially since there are fewer legal protections for this in Indonesia as I understand it. Use your judgment- some psychiatrists are progressive, so she might not tell them. Have you told her about things like this in the past? Does she speak to your parents about the things you tell her? Even if you don't tell her that you were sexually active, you could talk to her about feeling more anxious.

(If I remember correctly, there's a limit on us responding to these questions about pregnancy risk. You know the right information, so keep reassuring yourself!)

Would you like to brainstorm ways to handle these conversations where people say things that make you feel more anxious?

[naurmi008]

hi! i have talked to my psychiatrist in the past, only once though (i've only got to actually get professional advice once). this was when my parents first used my lawyer to deal with my bullying case. the lawyer was trying to get a doctor's diagnosis from the hospital to use as proof. so after i spoke to my psychiatrist, she spoke to both my parents and lawyers, but i don't think she told them the parts i didn't want them to know. my mom said she could schedule regular appointments with her, but that was a while back, so i don't know how to bring it up to her again.
and yes, i would definitely like to get some ideas on how to handle convos that make me anxious. especially since i can't seem to differentiate the facts from misleading, propagated information

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

With bringing up seeing the psychiatrist again, what if you went a straightforward direction and asked something like "awhile ago you said I could keep seeing the psychiatrist. I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. Can you help me set up a regular appointment with her?"

When it comes to conversations that make you anxious, I think some of it will get easier as you yourself learn more about how things like sex, or sexual assault, or anything else actually work, because then you'll be able to spot when someone is saying something dubious or wrong. Too, if you have the option, sometimes just finding a reason to leave this conversations, especially if they're happening around you rather than with you, can be really helpful.

Too, one trick that can sometimes help is to mentally add "you think" after someone says something wrong or insensitive but you aren't in a position where you can argue with or contradict them. That can help ground you in the reality that what they're saying isn't some form of absolute truth.