I've just turned 18 and want to get into the bdsm lifestyle

[BunniGore]

Ever since I knew what bdsm was, I've been into it for a long time. And finally, now that I'm 18, I want to try it out. But, I'm scared to. I'm scared what my mom would think. I'm scared to socialize (I've always had a hard time socializng). And I'm scared to fail at it (I've heard though that you can't really fail at bdsm). What should I do? I really want to be apart of this lifestyle, but I'm also scared too.

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!
I want to start this conversation by asking a couple questions so I can have more context and be able to give you better advice. You mentioned being scared of what your mom would think - I'm wondering why she has to know about it? It makes me ask to what extent you are interested in the lifestyle, because if it's something only done behind closed doors or within specific environments, there's no reason she needs to know. The socializing part, do you mean finding a potential partner?
You're right there's not a way to fail, because it looks different for everyone and it can be whatever you want it to be as long as it's respectful and consensual.

Since I'm not very clear what you're describing when you say BDSM lifestyle, I want to also send you this resource - you can ignore the first part, but focus on the definitions of the different terms. Could it be that what you're interested in has a different name?
Working the Kinks Out

[BunniGore]

Eventually, if I find the right Dom, I'd like to be their sub. Go to different gatherings and be able to just...I don't know be myself without feeling awkward about it. And you're right my mom probably still wouldn't have to know, I'm just nervous that she would find out anyways...

And yes also to your second question about socializing. I would like to eventually find a partner. But, I know I need to put myself out their in order to, socialize.

And I will gladly look at the resource to check if maybe it might be something else. Thank you for your reply.

[Sam W]

Hi BunniGore,

So, I'm actually going to ask you a few more questions about what you're looking for, because I think it might help you clarify what it is you're after, and help us determine if the spaces you're picturing going to with a partner are ones you're likely to encounter. When you're thinking about those gatherings, are they specifically sexual? Are they just with like-minded people, or places where you could mention you enjoyed BDSM without people being weird about it? Something else?

You're right that in order to find a partner, you do need to put yourself into spaces where you could socialize and meet other people. Something I really encourage people who are interested in BDSM to do is to not focus too much on finding someone who identifies as into BDSM/as a dom/etc, and instead focus on finding people who they have things in common with, are attracted to, and enjoy as a partner overall.

I suggest that for a few reasons. One is that kink, BDSM, and even Dom/sub are broad enough categories that they mean really different things to different people, so finding someone who identifies with them doesn't tell you that much about your overall compatibility. And a lot of people who are open to exploring those activities or dynamics might not mention that up front. Too, any sexual dynamic is going to take up only a small portion of your time with a partner, so you want to find someone who you're compatible with in all those other moments.

With all that in mind, we can certainly help you brainstorm some ways to meet people if that would be helpful!

I hear you expressing a lot of worry about your mom finding out. Do you live with her or otherwise have something in your life, like needing her help with transportation or money, that makes it feel like you don't have privacy or the ability to keep information to yourself?

[BunniGore]

Yes, I do live with my mom, and I do not have my own transportation, but I am ok with using a rideshare service. So, transportation is not much of a problem.

And for gatherings, I'm still doing research on what munches are, from what I've been hearing about. But, yes I'd like to go to gatherings filled with like minded people whether it's sexual or not.

[Sam W]

Got it. Living with someone does make it much harder to keep things private from them, especially if those things involve you coming and going from the house. Do you feel like you'd be able to say you were going out or going on a date without her being weird about it? Or does it feel like it might make more sense to start exploring BDSM and dating until you're no longer living with her?

One thing I do want you to be aware of is that BDSM specific spaces, whether they're sexual or not, aren't all that ubiquitous; they were hard to maintain at the best of times, but COVID dealt a pretty serious blow to a lot of the remaining ones. You can certainly see if there is a "kinky" community in your area, and if you're using apps or websites to meet people some of them may be able to tell you about meet-ups or introduce you to other people. But I'd be prepared for it to potentially be tricky to find that kind of in-person space in your area.

[BunniGore]

I could possibly try and tell her that I'm going out or hanging out with someone, but she is a hover parent and also very paranoid, so she usually likes me to be more specific.

And honestly, I'll just try to research and try and connect with like-minded people online first, and after building up that trust, then move onto meeting others like me in real life. Honestly, you've been really helpful, and I thank you for that.