Confused about masturbation? Feel sort of guilty/nasty doing it (TMI)

[Serephena72]

So ive never masturbated it never interested me well i decided to try it when i was like 18 randomly and now I cant stop getting aroused? I dont masturbate like normal people i do syntribation which is when u rub your legs together. Its the only way that works for me? Also For me the arousal just happens randomly. Plus i feel weird doing it. Like with my religion its considered a “Sin” but at the same time anything outside of heterosexuality is also a sin (Christianity) but im also asexual and somehow got over that part? Now i need to do the same with masturbation. Its weird to talk about. Not to mention im terminally ill and cant do much so im like i can masturbate and it seems like its the last thing i should be doing since im ill? Im wondering if hormones may play a part since i have hormone issues with PCOS. Otherwise i dont feel attraction its just when i randomly feel aroused it happens. Plus as an asexual im a bit intimacy repulsed. Like i personally find it gross and etc however when im aroused it seems okay to me but afterwards when i get rid of my arousal i feel nauseous and disgusted. I would bring it up to my doctor but im not sure how to go about it and i feel weird talking about it. Not to mention i dont control my medication so if they put me on a pill my mom needs to know what its for because she takes care of my medication due to being terminally ill. I wasnt taught much about my body everything i learned was through romance books. Which i read at a young age and they were nsfw so i probably shouldnt i been reading them on the first place but… Its to late now. Im 23 and dont really know much about that part it was never brought up by my parents or talked about. Its still not really talked about its very hush hush? I grew up in a conservative household so that probably doesnt make it any better.

*Sorry if my sentences are all over the place i was trying to just write as i went so some topics might have been brought up again because i remembered something else to say.

[Latha]

Hi there, Serephena72- welcome to the boards!

Don't worry about your explanation, it's alright. It can be weird/embarrassing to discuss topics like this, but don't worry, we won't judge you here. There are a couple of different things I want to respond to here, and I do have some questions to understand your situation better. You don't have to answer them if you don't want to.

I dont masturbate like normal people i do syntribation which is when u rub your legs together. Its the only way that works for me?

Just in case you feel like you should be able to masturbate in another way, I want to point out that 'normal' isn't the same thing as 'correct'. Just because something is less common, that doesn't mean that it is wrong. Since masturbating like that works for you, it is good. Too, I don't think syntribation is that unusual.

Not to mention im terminally ill and cant do much so im like i can masturbate and it seems like its the last thing i should be doing since im ill?

I wonder, why do you think masturbation is the last thing you should be doing? You don't have to masturbate if you don't want to, but masturbation can be a good form of self-care, and people often find it a good way of connecting with their body and relaxing. Is it that you feel there are better uses for your limited energy?

Im wondering if hormones may play a part since i have hormone issues with PCOS. Otherwise i dont feel attraction its just when i randomly feel aroused it happens.

It's true that hormones can impact arousal, and so can other health conditions and medications. Is the random arousal very disruptive?

I would bring it up to my doctor but im not sure how to go about it and i feel weird talking about it. Not to mention i dont control my medication so if they put me on a pill my mom needs to know what its for because she takes care of my medication due to being terminally ill.

This is... surprising- you should be able to make decisions about your treatment and make adjustments for your comfort where possible. If I may ask, why does your mother take care of your medication? Is it because there is a lot to manage and you need help? If talking to your doctor ever becomes an option, we could help you brainstorm ways to have that conversation. I understand it feel weird to talk about these subjects, but these are health-related questions, and that is what the doctor is there for.

I wasnt taught much about my body everything i learned was through romance books. Which i read at a young age and they were nsfw so i probably shouldnt i been reading them on the first place but… Its to late now. Im 23 and dont really know much about that part it was never brought up by my parents or talked about. Its still not really talked about its very hush hush? I grew up in a conservative household so that probably doesnt make it any better.

It isn't strange or bad for young people to be curious about romance/sex and to engage with that curiosity through media, I think. They just need to understand their limits and needs, and not engage in ways that make them feel uncomfortable. But, you've come to the right place if you'd like to learn more about your body- we have a lot of thorough resources on these sorts of things. Are there any specific topics you'd like to know more about? We could answer questions or point you in the direction of some articles.

Plus i feel weird doing it. Like with my religion its considered a “Sin” but at the same time anything outside of heterosexuality is also a sin (Christianity) but im also asexual and somehow got over that part? Now i need to do the same with masturbation.
Plus as an asexual im a bit intimacy repulsed. Like i personally find it gross and etc however when im aroused it seems okay to me but afterwards when i get rid of my arousal i feel nauseous and disgusted.

Ah, stigma from religion can make things difficult. Since you've been able to feel more comfortable about being asexual, it should be possible to feel more comfortable with masturbation as well. Be patient with yourself, and try to remind yourself that it isn't sinful. This article has a section discussing Christian theological concerns with masturbation that you might find helpful. Becoming comfortable may help a little with those feelings of disgust and nausea as well.