im lowkey into joke flirting. idk what to do

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi! sorry if the title is a bit bad i didnt really know what to put it is that wouldn’t be like a paragraph in itself.

so like in my last post i mentioned that me and my friends jokingly send eachother sexual messages and stuff. occasionally they’ll send like paragraphs of things they’d “want” me and/or the other person to do to/with them (still jokingly btw). this is where i have a dilemma; a lot of the time i find myself getting turned on by those messages, even though they’re just jokes. i feel bad for feeling this way bc im worried im like subconsciously taking advantage of them or something, or that im just a perverted creep. i also just dont know what to do about these feelings. they probably wouldn’t want to seriously do anything with me (especially bc my one friend is ace and is uncomfortable with that stuff unless its joking with close friends), and if i tell them about these feelings they’ll probably get uncomfortable and maybe even leave me or something.

so yeah idk if i really described all this super well but yeah. any advice?

[SillyMcGoof_]

oh crap i just noticed i posted this in the wrong category
ment to post it in sex & sexuality, feel free to delete this and/or move it (if you can do that)

[Heather]

I think this really ultimately boils down to this (and please be like, um, no, if I'm off):
• You like flirting and talking about sex with your friends and it sounds like your friends, do, too (unless people are answering these questions with silly things you/they are not actually into at all, this sounds much more like just talking about sex like people do and flirting than joking)
• This stuff turns you on

What turns you or anyone else on isn't a thing anyone can control, but it does sound to me like you all are doing a thing where you have to be lowkey aware everyone is at least titllated, if not turned on. Like, this sounds like it is part of what everyone is probably doing this for. Sexual curiosity seems to be driving the car here, and curiosity is a big part of desire.

Whether or not you tell all or any of these friends, "Hey, this shit we do really turns me on, " is up to you. But I think that choice is probably more about what you want saying that to do, and what you're comfortable with in terms of advancing any of this than some kind of confession. I think saying something -- be it you or anyone else in this -- would be more about any of you just being real and truthful about the effect this can have, but you're going to have a better read on if you and your friends want or are ready for that or not. So long as everyone is gladly (and consensually) game for it, it's also okay just to play with each other with this the way you have been without talking to the whole group or any one of each other about the sexual effect it has on you behind the scenes.

Just to be clear: you're not a creep for getting turned on by a kind of sexual play people are doing. It's okay to be turned on while being playful, whether you're being sexual with bodies or with phones and verbal shares.

[Heather]

Moved, as asked!

[SillyMcGoof_]

hiya heather!!

i would say what you said is a pretty accurate description of things, atleast when it comes to how i feel about everything, as i dont really know how they feel yet.

i honestly might tell them, as it kinda feels dishonest to not do so, but ig im not super sure how to go about it (if i do go through with it, that is)

i guess my main concerns are making them uncomfortable and stuff. we’re online friends and haven’t even seen eachothers faces yet so im kinda worried that it’ll come off as weird. also like i mentioned earlier my one friend can get pretty uncomfortable with sexual stuff. they’re fine with doing the joke flirting/sexting/whatever you wanna call it thing but idk how they would feel if i was like “hey umm the stuff you say makes me kinda horny ngl”. when it comes to my other friend im not super sure how they’d react but im still worried about making them uncomfortable.

if you'd like i can maybe like copy and paste some of the things they’ve said if that’ll help you to get a better idea of the situation i guess. they’re usually kinda explicit tho so i understand if that like isn’t allowed bchdhd

[Heather]

I think that when you know that someone is uncomfortable, then it's very clear that they are NOT someone to tell a thing that will make them feel that way.

I don't know how big a group of people this is, but I think who you tell what about the feelings this is creating in you is a decision that is more about each of those folks -- and as much about what you think you talking to them offers them as it might offer you -- specifically.

I don't want or need you to copy and paste your texts here: that would be a monumental invasion of their privacy, and a violation of their consent. Please don't share things friends have texted you to anyone without their consent unless you're worried about your or someone else's safety. (And if you are, like if you have concerns about being sexual with people whose identities you haven't verified, we can talk about that.)

I also wouldn't suggest telling anyone as a thing to confess. Like I said, it seems very clear you are all doing this for likely very similar reasons and with likely similar effects. You don't need to confess to anyone. But if you feel like you have to, that says to me you are feeling guilty and are looking for a way to get rid of that feeling. Does that sound right? If so, I don't think inserting that into this group sounds like the right move, particularly because I don't know that this environment sounds like a place to bring anything big and serious?

[SillyMcGoof_]

ok thanks!! i guess i’ll just think on it more and stuff and figure out what to do from there. btw theres only 3 people (including me) doing that kinda stuff atm. also yeah i do just kinda feel guilty and like i gotta get stuff out.

also yeah you’re right. i feel pretty dumb and shitty (pardon my language) for not thinking about how much that would invade their privacy before. im pretty impulsive so a lot of the time i just kinda say stuff without thinking much about it (not an excuse just sort of an explanation). so yeah, my apologies, and thanks for everything!