Looking for a label that might work?

[mari]

I'm trying not to get attached to labels because it causes me some distress when I question them, but I'm also trying to figure out what to call myself. I was calling myself a lesbian until sometime last year.
Sexual attraction: Pretty much nonexistent? I've never had sexual fantasies, sex dreams, or anything of the sort. However I do have a thing that makes me feel sexually aroused, it's a little weird so I don't wanna go into detail but it's a thing that people can do and when it happens around me I feel kinda good yk? I'm pretty sure it doesn't have to do with sexual attraction though, because it doesn't make me want to do anything with the person who does it. I do masturbate and stuff though.
Platonic and romantic attraction: this is what's confusing me. I'm not sure how to differentiate the two. Last year, I knew a guy and I remember I got nervous around him and wanted to spend time with him. Like, if he sat with someone else at lunch I'd get really sad (although I was already in a pretty bad place emotionally). I remember I'd try to come up with ways to talk to him or think about him often. I considered dating him, however I never felt the active desire to do so (although I was still identifying as a lesbian at that time). I never really thought about kissing or hugging him, or doing anything physical. I did picture him shirtless once or twice but only to "test" if it made me feel anything (it didn't, or at least I think it didn't). It passed in a month or two and now we're just normal friends, but occasionally I'm uncomfortable when I see him because I remember my platonic(?) crush on him. I'm not sure if this discomfort is the remains of a crush or just remembering the discomfort I felt when I questioned my sexuality.
In terms of other "crushes", I'm not really sure if they were actually romantic because I was more into the idea of being in a relationship than anything else.
Aesthetic attraction: mostly girls, I think. I find them better to look at on average, but I think I maybe notice a bit more when a guy is attractive because it's less common. My aesthetic orientation doesn't matter to me much either way.
Sensual attraction: Girls. The idea of making physical contact with guys makes me either indifferent or uncomfortable.

Right now I'm calling myself asexual and unlabeled romantic wise. I'm just struggling because I'm not sure what my feelings for that guy were. I like to think that I'm not as attached to the lesbian label as I was before, but I feel like finding out I'm biromantic might make me kind of uncomfortable anyways. Nothing against bi people, but the idea of me being into men makes me uncomfortable.
So yeah. If anyone thinks they know what I might be, it'd be great to know. Hope this makes sense.

[Latha]

Hi there, Mari- welcome to the boards!

If I may ask, what about questioning these labels makes you feel distressed? Is it something about the uncertainty, perhaps?

It makes sense that you're having difficulties differentiating between romantic and platonic attraction- there isn't really an obvious distinction that everyone agrees on. Ultimately, I think it is up to the people in a relationship to define its nature.

Something that stands out to me is that, despite how much you question yourself and your feelings, I can't see any strong interest in dating or having a sexual relationship- especially with guys because you've discussed them a bit more here. Getting nervous around someone, wanting to spend time with them, and feeling sad if they're with someone else (especially if you already feel bad) are not exclusive to romantic relationships. Platonic crushes are a thing (I've heard them be called 'squishes') and, as you may know, it is possible to have a committed, close relationship with someone that isn't sexual or romantic.

I want to say that it is okay to be unlabelled, or to choose a label and change it. People's experiences can be complicated, and language is an imperfect tool- these words can't always capture everything about our experience of sexuality or gender. As it is, the current words you're using to describe yourself (asexual and unlabelled romantically) make sense to me. But if you're looking for other more specific terms you could use to describe yourself, you might like to look through this- it's a glossary of words related to asexuality and aromanticism.

P.S. You don't have to talk about that thing that makes you feel aroused if you don't want to/don't feel the need to, but don't worry about being weird- I think we're a pretty accepting group here.

[mari]

The uncertainty worries me, but more than that I just really don't want to be attracted to guys because the idea of that makes me very uncomfortable. I'm starting to think I may be aroace but platonic crushes are still stressful for me because I find myself constantly second-guessing if they're really romantic. Which brings me to an update: I feel like a platonic crush might be coming on with a guy I don't know well and I want to stop it from happening. He's dating my former best friend and even though I'm 99% sure that any feelings I might get will be strictly platonic, it still feels uncomfortable to have crush-like symptoms at someone who's dating someone I'm close with, you know? Plus I'm worried he'd misinterpret it as a romantic crush. So... any advice on that one?

[Amanda B]

Hi mari,

Just hopping in here to say I was unable to get to this reply during my shift, but another volunteer will respond. Thank you for your patience!

[mari]

Hi,
When is that going to be? No rush, just wondering.

[Sam W]

Hi Mari,

Thank you for following up, it looks like your thread got lost in the shuffle, so I'm glad you checked in!

With that discomfort you feel about potential attraction to men, is it uncomfortable because it feels like somehow it's a "wrong" fit for you. Is it more that it doesn't fit with how you've experienced attraction in the past and thus is adding to that feeling of uncertainty or your identity being in flux? Something else?

As far as the crush goes, it can be really hard to force yourself not to have a crush on someone, and trying to stamp it out ends up just being frustrating. A framework I find helpful is that you can lean into a crush (daydream about the person, fantasize about them, try to spend more time with them or get to know them) or you can just leave it be. You can acknowledge that you feel a certain way about that person, but not engage with the feelings beyond that. That generally helps crushes pass a bit more quickly.

[mari]

So, good news, a platonic crush didn't form on that person I was worried about! I thought everything was resolved but I had a weird dream last night. It was about the guy who i used to have a (probably) platonic crush on, though sometimes I worry that it really was romantic. I dont remember it clearly but I think he was wearing like, a low cut shirt or something? And I remember thinking he was good-looking in the dream but also being a little bit uncomfortable. There was no sexual arousal in it from what I remember, but even acknowledging that he's good looking (which I feel like he is, objectively, probably?) is saying that I really did have a thing for him? I don't have a crush on him anymore so theoretically I shouldn't have to worry about whether it was platonic or not, but the dream is making me scared that it's coming back to mess me up again.
If this changes anything, I drank a mocha before bed and was having trouble sleeping because of the anxiety that caffeine sometimes gives me. My relationship with that guy has also been giving me distress lately, not because of the feelings I used to have but because he's been annoying and a jerk lately. Not sure if any of that has an affect though.
I really wish I never had that dream. I've got enough to worry about with school and stuff and this is just... very anxiety inducing and very ill-timed.

[Sam W]

Hi Mari,

If there was attraction to this guy in your dream but you don't feel any towards him in real life, then I would treat the way you feel when you're awake as the accurate representation of how you feel about this person. How we're feeling or what we're doing can influence dreams to a degree, but dreams are far more about our brains tossing things together than they are about revealing anything about our waking lives.