Scarleteen

Hi Scarleteen, long time no see! I hope everyone is doing well here.

Recently I've been having problems around anxiety during sex. Sometimes when my partner and I are having fun, I find myself questioning if I want to do these things even though I do want to do it and we're both fully consenting. Other times I end up thinking about outside stress and it instantly kills my libido. And other times when my partner and I are doing something that I'd otherwise be fine with (like joking around with thrusting speed / rhythm or doing certain sex positions), I get intrusive thoughts of women being assaulted or harassed in a similar situation and I get uncomfortable / anxious and have to stop. (For the record, I've never been in those situations myself and I'm really grateful for that.)

I feel bad about having all these anxieties around sex because I feel like it puts a lot of stress on my partner to not mess up. It also stops me from fully enjoying myself, which sucks because I do want to enjoy stress-free sex. We've been having less sex because of all this (and because we've both been busy), and I can tell it's putting some strain on our relationship. I miss when I was ok with just letting loose and enjoying things spontaneously … but I also know that open communication has made sex mentally and emotionally safer for us. My partner and I have gotten way better about taking breaks and being patient with each other during sex. And if there are any residual feelings after sex, we always make time to talk about it. Being conscious and communicative has made me feel more safe and it's made sex more fun, even though my intrusive thoughts haven't been easy to manage.

Is there a way to deal with this so I can enjoy sex more and make my partner feel less pressured to be perfect during sex? I want it to be a fun and positive experience for us, and I'd like to know how we can make that happen. Thank you!

Hi loquat,

Good to see you again!

It sounds like your partner and you are doing a really good job communicating and figuring out how to pace sex in a way that works for both of you, which is great to hear! With those intrusive thoughts, do you tend to get intrusive thoughts at other times, or do they only seem to happen during sex?

With the effect life stressors are having on sex more generally, it may help to see if there are any stressors that have an obvious end point (like an exam or something big happening work, where after a certain date it'll be over) or steps you can take to address them right now. That may sound obvious, but either waiting until a big stressor passes or making yourself take a step to address it can make it easier to keep stress from creeping into your sex life.

Too, if the things stressing you out aren't going away any time soon and/or they're not really things in your power to solve, working with your partner to find ways to relax before sex can be really helpful. If you can do shared things that help you feel physically and mentally calm, it can be easier to push those stressful thoughts away.

I will also say that having periods in your life where stress effects sex is pretty common, so some of this may also just be about patience and finding other ways to be intimate until the stressful period lessens or goes away.

Hi Sam! It's so nice to hear from you again.

It's mostly just been a stressful period for us. My partner has been ok since he has a higher drive than me and he's used to being stressed, but I find that any amount of stress just gets to me. Things like finding a job and having enough time or privacy during sex can all throw my mood off. We're finally on uni break right now though, so I'm hoping the stress will improve a bit!

Unfortunately, I do get intrusive thoughts both during and not during sex. I notice intrusive thoughts pop up more during sex when I'm generally stressed / anxious about something, or when we're in a situation where we have to be quiet or we can't see each other's faces clearly. I've talked with my therapist about this and she helped me make a list of questions to go through when I'm feeling something anxiety-related around sex, which is nice! My partner is also amazing when it comes to reassurance and I know I can rely on him to make me feel safe. I just wish I wouldn't get the intrusive thoughts surrounding assault so much though … It's hard because I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by and have internalised stories of assault (both fictional and real). I know my partner doesn't have it in him to do something like that, but it's still a fear of mine when it comes to physical touch with anybody.

But thank you! I'll give the calming activities a try next time. We already do something like that when we take breaks in the middle of sex (like cuddling when I'm feeling a bit anxious or tired) but we haven't tried doing something like that beforehand. I hope it'll work!

It sounds like you're taking steps to both address your stress and your intrusive thoughts, which is great in terms of taking care of yourself!

With the effect stories about sexual assault seem to have on your thoughts during sex, I wonder if it could be helpful to steer clear of media, fictional or not, that depicts it or has it as a theme, at least for a little while. That might give those intrusive thoughts less space to get a foothold, especially during sex.

I've been thinking about avoiding media like that, so I think I'll give it a try.

Also, my partner and I tried calm activities and pacing yesterday and I think it worked! It made everything way more fun and safe. I think we'll be doing more calm activities in the future. Thank you so much!

Hi loquat,

I'm glad things are working out. Please let us know if you have any further questions, we're happy to help!