Scarleteen

Hi! If you can’t help, no worries:)

I’ve spent years thinking about this but i’ve never been sure and never told anyone abt this, but now recently learning abt COCSA i’m wondering if it’s slightly that.

When I was younger, i’m really not sure what age I was, might’ve been 4th/5th grade, I allowed myself to be “touched” by someone years younger than me. Details are hazy but I just remember pretending to sleep and allowing myself to be touched? But nothing too serious, just like under the shirt/dress and I think under the waste-band but nothing like, intimate ig? Plus this only happened a few times and I know kids are curious yk.

It literally is not that bad, but for years now I’ve just felt so guilty and sick of myself and nauseas and feel like i don’t deserve to feel this way? like for years i’ve convinced myself i’m fine bc people like my friends have gone through WAY WAY worse then this silly thing, but i just can never get it out of my head.

I think I feel so guilty because nothing serious happened, and I still feel this terrible feeling and don’t deserve to. I also think I feel guilty bc i was technically older and so that makes me feel like a pedo, even tho i was also a kid LMAO.

Also might be dramatics, but for the longest time I would hate sitting next to someone, like having their legs touch mine, and sometimes I would feel suffocated when someone got too close to me. I’ve gotten better at this but i’m scared for when I get into an intimate relationship lol. Plus i’ve always been a super easily startled person and just waved it off as me prob having a hyper system but this year I started to wonder if it could be connected, because it’s whenever somebody touches me. I will literally see them tap me and still jump and it’s always been so frustrating for me.

plus dunno if this helps, but first day of my psych class in college my professor talked abt Sigmund Freuds iceberg theory and i quite literally had a sobbing fit in my car on my way home lol. and every day after when he would bring him up i would feel so sick. i’m probably just dramatic but yk.

I was just wondering if it could possibly be a little COCSA even though it was nothing serious, or if i’m just crazy LMAO. But i might start talking to my therapist again and maybe she can help bc I never told her about this.

hopefully that all makes sense and wasn’t too long lmao, thanku if anyone has gotten this far.

Hi there, Charlotte247- welcome to the boards! I'm glad you feel comfortable talking about this difficult topic here, and I'm sorry all this has been making you feel so awful.

As I see it, there are a few questions here: Was what happened COCSA? Are you justified in feeling bad because of what happened? Could your reactions to people getting too close to you (getting startled, feeling suffocated) be related to what happened?

We can discuss those questions, but whatever the answers are, the fact of the matter is that you were impacted by what happened and you deserve support. Other people going through worse things does not change that. (So, I do think it could be a good idea to discuss this with your therapist.)

You're not crazy for asking whether it was COCSA- it is a reasonable thing to consider. I think something to keep in mind is that the person who touched you did not need to have malicious intentions. Even if they were operating on simple curiosity, that doesn't diminish the impact that it had on you.

I also think I feel guilty bc i was technically older and so that makes me feel like a pedo, even tho i was also a kid LMAO.

You're right, you were a kid, and you were not trying to hurt anyone. I understand this may not make such feelings go away, but you were not a pedophile.

I was wondering, what was it about the iceberg theory that made you feel upset?

Thank you for replying Latha:) I really appreciate it and feel heard. When you said that keeping in mind that it can still be just simple curiosity and not malicious intent, but still impact me, that really helps me validate my feelings. I also did struggle with terrible intrusive thoughts for years and it took me a while to finally realize the difference between intrusive and real thoughts yk.
As for the iceberg theory i’m honestly not sure. My professor brought it up right at the end of the first day and i’m really trying to remember what set me off. I think it might have been because I try to forget about it because I feel so ashamed, and it was just reminding me that i’ll never forget it? if that makes sense.
Like I said, I really appreciate you answering me and helping me feel more validated, thank u:)

Hi Charlotte247! Sorry it has taken a while for us to respond- you might have seen that we were on break. I'm glad this helped a little- yes, it can be difficult to tell the difference between intrusive thoughts and real thoughts.

About the iceberg theory: don't worry, that does make sense, and I can see how that would be really upsetting too. Let me know if I'm mistaken here. When you say that the theory reminds you that you'll never forget it- am I correct in thinking that you're worried that what happened will never stop impacting you?

Here is the thing- I don't think that is true. Time doesn't always heal all wounds, but it does often make them easier to manage. There may be some periods that are better or worse, but over time, this will impact you less. Too, I think shame is causing at least some of the pain you feel about this topic. But you don't need to feel ashamed about this- you've done nothing wrong. So working to let go of such feelings should also help you.