Scarleteen

So. Ok. I *think* I'm asexual. I've definitely felt sexual arousal before, but never sexual attraction towards a person. But there is a specific thing that someone can do that makes me sexually aroused, although it doesn't make me attracted to the person (at least, from what I can tell, because I never get urges or fantasies). The thing is... it doesn't matter who the person is, for the most part. It can be people who it'd be morally wrong to be with and it still sometimes gets me going. Again, no fantasies or urges, but I feel really... gross and wrong. Like, if I'm really a good person, shouldn't I be so repulsed by the thought of that that it'd cancel out the arousal that happens? I'm afraid that this is just the beginning stages of something gross and weird and that eventually I'll actually start being attracted to those people. I'd feel so disgusting and gross and I don't think I'd ever be able to live with myself.
Just want to reiterate that I would never do something sexual to anyone who it'd be morally wrong to do it to. I dont think I'd ever do anything sexual with anyone, period. But what if it evolves into something different? What if I actually have some kind of paraphilia? I've looked up treatment but I don't know how effective it is. I really hope that this doesn't come to pass. But I'm so scared right now.

Hi Mari,

It sounds like this is really stressing you out, so lets see if we can untangle some of what's going on in a way that helps you feel calmer.

Let's start with the fact that what arouses us doesn't always align with things we want, or would feel comfortable with, in real life. In some cases, we experience arousal from things we're otherwise actively repulsed by or would never, ever do in real life. And the tricky thing with emotions like arousal or repulsion is that they don't always cancel each other out; they can exist side by side, and for some people one might even contribute to the other. So, you experiencing the arousal you do isn't a sign there's something wrong with you, okay?

Too, there's also the fact that attraction doesn't ever have to equal action, and our actions are ultimately the thing that tends to matter more, because those are the things that can effect other people. So even if you did experience attraction to someone who it wouldn't be good to pursue, you wouldn't have to act on it. You could make the choice not to, you know?

I do also think it's worth asking yourself why, if you so far experience no desire for sex period, it feels like your mind is so quick to assume the worst about this particular sexual response morphing into something much more intense.

It's because I'm an anxious person, I guess. I've been diagnosed with GAD since I was in 4th grade and I guess that gets some of the anxiety started, then it's followed by "if I'm so bothered by this doesn't that mean it must be true??" and "if it wasn't true, I'd be able to brush it off easily". I told my mom about what's going on and she said she isn't worried about it, but I'm still scared. If I turn out to be some kind of morally wrong person, I wouldn't be able to live with myself for another 60 some years (or however long).

Hi there, mari.

It can be a lot harder to talk about things like this when we don't actually know what the thing actually is. Sharing it would make it easier for us to do our best to help you.

That said, morals are usually about actions, and there is no one right or wrong (and some belief systems don't even frame our values in that kind of binarism). So, no matter what turns someone on, or what someone fantastizes about, the idea that someone could be immoral or wrong just by thinking or feeling things is pretty radical, and not in the good way. By all means, I think we all need to be concerned with doing ourselves or others harm, but we can't do that just by thinking or feeling, you know?

I'm still a little uncomfortable talking about that thing that turns me on but I think I've worked through it somewhat now. I feel a little better about it. Of course, then my mind decided to come up with something else to be anxious about, which I'll start a new thread about. I'm wondering at this point if this is less a weird sexual thing and more of a chronically anxious thing.

Hello, Mari

I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better about this! You know, I think the general consensus here is that you don't need to worry about your sexual thoughts being bad or gross or weird. For one, just having thoughts can't cause harm- it is our actions that matter. Also, we can feel aroused by things we might not actually like or want in real life.

It seems like this isn't the only time you've felt anxious about this sort of thing- given this pattern of thoughts, I think it is fair to say that this may be related to your chronic anxiety.

I wonder, do you have any strategies you use to manage anxiety about other topics that you think you could use here? Have you spoken about such concerns to a mental health professional?

I have a therapist but we're not really connecting so I'm gonna be looking for another one. It does kinda seem like I come up with a new romantic or sexual thing to be anxious about every week though lol... I'm working on managing my anxiety though, mostly by distracting myself with other stuff. The problem is that sometimes the "other stuff" ends up reminding me of one of the anxiety triggers and then uh... boom it's back.

Hi Mari,

It sounds like you're being proactive about finding a therapist who's a good fit, which is great! I do think that either with your current therapist or your next one, it'd be worth talking about the fact your anxiety keeps locking onto romantic or sexual topics, because that's a useful pattern for you both to be aware of.

Too, you may want to look into other tools besides distraction for dealing with anxious thoughts. As you're learning, that can work great sometimes but not so well at others, and when dealing with anxiety it's often best to have several coping tools to pull from. That could also be something to bring to a therapist, but in the meantime you can also check out the self-help resources here to see if there are some that are a good fit for you: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources