Can taking a break work?

[Jay27]

I hear that “taking a break = breakup.” But I think I might need a break from my relationship but I don’t want to break up with her. I don’t know if I can keep doing a long distance relationship but my gf will be back in town by December. She’s so busy and doesn’t want to spend as much time with me as I do with her. I feel like if we changed to a casual relationship or even friendship while she’s away and then possibly get back into a serious relationship in December if we both still want to, that might be easier on my mental health. Neither of us wants to date or sleep with anyone else. It could be easier to have lower expectations of each other so I don’t get disappointed so much.

[Latha]

Hello Jay27

Sometimes couples do take breaks in these situations. Honestly, I think it is up to the people in a relationship to determine what such breaks might entail- so it doesn't have to be a complete breakup if you two don't want that. Just to make sure, have you already spoken to your girlfriend about your concerns/desire for more time together? And if you both know that you would like to stay together, do you think you could change your expectations for what your relationship will look like for the time being without the break?

[Jay27]

I have spoken to her about it. We’ve only had a few big arguments in our relationship and this is the thing that’s always been the issue. She’s told me that she can’t meet my needs for more communication and more time. Even before we got together. So I feel like I need to accept this or we can’t be together. I really want to be more independent but it’s hard.

[Heather]

You know, I hear you say pretty clearly from the star here that you feel like you might need a break. To me, that you feel you need it is the thing to lead with, more than your sense of what it will do in your relationship. You say you feel you need this for your mental health. To me, that's just a given, then, that you need to take it, you know?

My own experience with breaks, if it's helpful to know, or with trying to do a given relationship in a different form or way for a while, is that some relationships endure and often even thrive more after, while others don't. Good relationships should be able to make space for everyone in them, including space apart, and should also have a good deal of flexibility to flex to what the people inside of them need, including as that changes over time. <3

When things I have been in didn't weather a break or mode shift, I've always known or gotten the feeling that that would have happened even without a break or by trying a different way to be together.

[Jay27]

Thank you for the advice <3

It’s hard to know how I’ll bring this up with her or how I’ll explain what I want. I’m still not 100% sure what I want. And it raises a lot of questions, like are we still going to call each other girlfriends? Are we single or taken? Are we still going to do something for our 1 year anniversary in November?

I don’t want to date anyone else and neither does she but I don’t know if I want to be serious partners right now. Like before the long distance, we were talking a lot and putting each other first and making decisions around each other’s needs. I still wanted to do that but it doesn’t seem realistic. And she wants to be free to do her own thing abroad and put herself first. Could it be like, we’re still girlfriends but less committed than before?

[Heather]

I think these all sound like important thoughts and great questions.

In general, can you shift a relationship in these ways? Absolutely. And if you two don't want to change this part, know you can also be just as committed to someone while making more space, and without doing things like making each other the central factor in the decisions you make. Those changes don't have to = less commitment to someone. In fact, sometimes giving each other some more freedom and space can be a real commitment to the relationship in and of itself. same goes with working to try other ways of being in something to try and find a way to continue the good stuff while adapting to change. In my book, that's often one of the biggest parts *of* committing to a relationship we're in with someone else.

As to whether these are options for the two of you, uniquely? You'll have to talk to her to find out. It does sound to me like you're perhaps more prepared to have this conversation than you think you are: you're doing a great job of it here.

You can also absolutely come into it making clear that there are still some unknowns to you, like what you want in terms of what you're calling serious, AND ask all the smaller questions you are asking here, like if, if you two agree to make this shift, you still want to call each other girlfriends or not, or tell people you're single or taken (and if you want to talk to someone about how we can do this in relationship anarchy frameworks, HMU, I'm always here for those kinds of conversations and help), and what, if anything, you might want to do for your upcoming anniversary. <3

[Jay27]

That’s really interesting. I never thought that giving someone more space doesn’t mean less commitment.

I think the label of girlfriend can mean so many different things. Like for some people they’re living with their girlfriend for years and sharing finances, or for someone else girlfriend can mean someone they go on dates with who isn’t a life partner.

I feel a lot more involved in the relationship than she is because I’m still prioritizing her and seeing her as my go to person and she isn’t. But maybe I need to match her energy instead of expecting her to do things she can’t do/isn’t willing to do.

What do you mean by relationship anarchy? That sounds interesting.

[Heather]

You pretty much just, in that second paragraph, led with a core part of relationship anarchy: you recognized that there isn't actually any predetermined or one thing that = girlfriend, that what that means is up to the person or people directly involved and basically, invented by and for each person.

Giving someone more space often means extending more trust and a bunch of faith, and sometimes not getting or giving comforts and other things that feel good you might so that one or more of the people involved can seek out or explore other things for themselves, of even just basically take care of themself for a while in a way they can't or are having a hard time doing in the relationship as it stands. Without commitment, we'd probably not exert in the extra effort of figuring out how to reframe and maintain a relationship in a new way and then all the energy and commitment involved of doing it.

My favorite easy primer about relationship anarchy as a framework (or anti-framework, really) is a piece written by someone in Sweden in 2006, Andie Nordgren, here: https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library ... ip-anarchy Take a look, see what you think about it.

[Jay27]

What you said about it taking commitment to reframe and maintain a relationship really resonates with me. I feel like the typical breakup where you just stop being in each other’s lives would be giving up (in our situation). There’s so much good in our relationship and I don’t want to just cut all that off. The hard part is that it feels a bit unfair that I have to be the one to change.

I agree with most of the piece you sent me but I don’t think I can get rid of hierarchies, just in a practical sense. There are people who I feel are more important in my life than others. And I don’t really want to be independent. It’s good for me to have my own interests and hobbies but I have a really high need for socializing. Including online friendships or even just existing in a space with other people.

[Heather]

The beauty of relationship anarchy as a general model is that there aren't any rules or requirements, so you get to use whatever parts of it, or ways of thinking, feel like a fit for you and your relationships and leave anything that doesn't fit or work for you.

I agree with you about breakups. Personally, only when relationships have gotten really bad or just feel dead -- or when the other person just did it this way without involving me in the process at all -- have I had the kind of breakup where everyone just leaves each other and doesn't speak again. For me, I put a lot of care and love and energy into building and maintaining my relationships, and people who get deep in my inner circle are people I am very invested in, so when things change with us, it usually looks a lot more like a process of a lot of talking, making agreements, and just trying out different ways to be with each other/in each others lives until we find ways that fit best for everyone.

In your case, I don't agree that this has to go a way where only you are making adjustments. If your relationship is going to be different, for one, it is going to be different for everyone involved by default. But this is also another place for talking: if you *feel like* only you are doing the labor of changing, I'd say that and ask your girlfriend to work with you through this to find a way where it feels more equitable to you.

[Jay27]

I don’t like the idea that being friends with an ex automatically = red flag. If we ever broke up, my gf and I have already agreed that we would want to stay friendly after. We go to the same college, have mutual friends, and are in an extracurricular together so it just makes sense.

My therapist and I talked about this together and she said I should make my own plans and show her that I also have things to do. That would make the relationship feel more equal because I wouldn’t be turning down plans to fit my schedule around spending time with her and then getting annoyed when she doesn’t do the same.

[Heather]

Oh my gosh, I actually feel like people who are not friends with exes are the red flag! I don't know what this is in reference to or is from, but if you're saying you have gotten this impression, I agree with you. I think people being able to be friends with their exes usually shows very positive, healthy things: commitment to people they care about, flexibility, emotional maturity, and a bunch of other goodies.

I think that's a good suggestion your therapist had, whether you show these plans to your girlfriend or not. Making all your other social and life plans around a partner's availability generally isn't a great idea for anyone, though when we really want to see/be with someone, it's certainly a pattern we can all too easily find ourselves in. I think this would be a really good change for you.

[Amanda B]

Hi Jay27,

You're right that being friends with an ex doesn't always mean it's a red flag. Relationships vary so much, so it's very possible that being friends after a breakup can work really well for people. From what you've told us, it does sound like the two of you care about each other and have intertwined social circles, so it would make sense to keep up a friendship if the romantic relationship isn't fitting everyone's needs.

I'm glad to hear your therapist is providing some advice as well. It sounds like you've taken a lot of time to get clear on your wants and needs with this relationship. Even the things you're not so sure about, like what to call each other if you did take a break, are great to discuss with your girlfriend. How do you feel about starting this discussion with her? Is this something you'd like to do soon, or would you like to shift your schedule, as your therapist suggested, and see how that goes first? Would you like support in planning how to have a conversation?

[Jay27]

Thankfully none of my friends believe that being friends with an ex is a red flag but a lot of movies, tv shows, and stuff on social media says it. I think it’s bs.

My therapy session was super helpful. I’m realizing that while my gf and I have compatibility issues, I have a lot of stuff I need to work on and I might have these problems in a different relationship. I think I want to try making my own plans and being independent first. I would like some support in starting the conversation with her.

[Heather]

Before anything else, I just want to tell you that I was thinking about you this morning, just how impressed I am with how generally insightful and clearly thoughtful you are about and in your relationships, and also how good you seem at asking for help, something so many people have such a hard time doing.

I know you know this already, because you weren't born yesterday, but what's on popular media -- including most social media -- is never a good reflection of reality. It's always a much better reflection of what gets people's attention than what anyone is actually thinking or feeling. I'd never consider anything I found in any kind of general media to be accurate of real life in any way. It's entertainment (and often also capitalism), usually even when it's pretending to be something else.

So glad the therapy session was helpful.

In terms of starting the conversation with her, how about something like asking her for some dedicated time so that you can talk with her about some realizations you've had about your relationship, and some changes to it you'd like her to consider making with you?

[Jay27]

Thank you so much! I’m really inexperienced and I’m trying my best. I already texted her this morning and told her I had a good therapy session and I want to work on myself more and be more independent. She said she’s glad I’m getting support and trying to make my own plans instead of shaping my schedule around her.
We’re both super busy for the next 2 weeks but I can try to find some time to talk to her. I’ve thought about it more and I still want to be girlfriends but more of a casual relationship.

[Heather]

It sounds to me like you have every reason to expect this talk, and these changes, will be a positive experience for both of you!

[Jay27]

I hope so! Thank you for all the advice!