my partner is ace and im not and im not sure what to do

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi! so basically i got a partner recently and they’re asexual. im allosexual and recently ive been having fantasies about them and doing stuff with them and yeah. earlier i talked to them about it and they said they didn’t wanna do anything which is ok, and they also asked me to try to stop having these feelings about them and im not sure if i can.

i just dont know what to do bc i really want to have some sort of sexual relationship with someone, but they dont want that, which is again completely ok, but im just stuck. i dont know what to do about these feelings and desires as again, i really wanna have a sexual relationship with someone but they dont and i kinda feel like a weird perv about it, especially bc they’re uncomfortable with my feelings about them. i love them i just dont know what to do. any advice?

[Heather]

Hey there. Sorry you’re having this conundrum.

We can’t change our sexual feelings by force of will. We also can’t often change what we do and don’t want.

But what we CAN change, when all those things don’t line up between people, is the nature of our relationship.

Sounds to me like you two don’t want the same things, so you’re probably not a good fit of partner for each other. I assume (from not hearing about this until now) that this is very new. Early on in dating this is pretty much what we’re finding out with someone: how we do and don’t fit together. Ideally, we’ll want to craft our relationships in such a way that what we do want together, what we have in common in that sense, is the central organizing principle.

Sounds to me like a platonic friendship is probably a much better fit for the two of you. Don’t you think?

[SillyMcGoof_]

hiya!! maybe idk. i really love them and wanna be with them so im not sure :(

[Sam W]

You know, we can (and lots of people do) have very loving, intimate friendships, so ending the romantic or dating element of this doesn't mean you couldn't still have that kind of connection with them if that was something you both wanted. That would also open you up to finding a partner who is open to exploring sex with you, and give them the space to find a partner who's a better match for the fact they do not want to be sexual and don't feel comfortable with a partner desiring them that way. How does that sound?

[SillyMcGoof_]

im not sure. i really love them romantically too so i’m not sure. i like being in a relationship with them so i just dont know what to do.

[Sam W]

Got it. I do think, even with having romantic feelings for them, moving this back to a platonic friendship is the way to go. As Heather said, when we don't align on a big thing like sex with a partner, that's a sign that the relationship probably isn't a good fit for us as a romantic one. I'd say that's extra true if being in that relationship is making you feel like your own, completely okay sexual desires are somehow a problem.

[SillyMcGoof_]

i dont know. i just dont want to make them upset, and i feel like a jerk especially because i kept going back and fourth in terms of this relationship, and im the one who brought up the idea in the first place. idk

[SillyMcGoof_]

i also just feel like all of this is my fault bc i got myself into this even though i had sort of a gut feeling that i shouldn’t and now im just unintentionally kinda playing with their heart/feelings by being like this

[Heather]

Oh my goodness, please be gentler with yourself.

The thing about dating is that it ultimately is all about feeling things out and seeing how we feel about them as we go, especially when we're young and so new to all of this. If you haven't been in relationship with this person before, or this kind, how are you to know how you'd feel in it? Or what might come up for the two of you? It is okay for you to have gotten into this and found out --and they're finding out too, clearly! -- that this isn't a fit in the way maybe both of you wanted or were hoping. (It also isn't great, some of the things they sound like they are insisting you do -- they need to be stepping back and recognizing that there are just fit issues here, too, not trying to make you fit to be what they want.)

This isn't about fault. This is about the learning process it always is when we get involved with people. It does sound to me like you could stand to think about how fast you're moving into things, and about learning to trust your gut, but that, too, is often part of learning. You're 14 years old. You couldn't be anywhere near an expert here, or be anything but very green with this, no matter what. You gotta cut yourself a break, kid.

Do you need help knowing how to ask to have a conversation about all this with them? After all, when it's caring and consensual, a "breakup" often isn't even that at all, but instead is a conversation people have together with the mutual intention of finding a better way to be in relationship together than a way that isn't working or isn't a fit. <3

[SillyMcGoof_]

you’re very right, and god, all that was pretty eye opening i wont lie. thank you so much for that.

i think i definitely need some help figuring out how to go about all this if thats ok. i guess im just worried bc they seem so happy and again, i love them a lot and i dont want to hurt them. i guess i kinda feel pressured into doing some things with them bc i feel bad about saying no, or straight up dont know how, which is probably something i should note here too. that could definitely just be a me thing tho bc i am the biggest people pleaser/doormat, but if you want i can give some examples. they also said earlier that if this relationship doesn’t go well they’ll just give up long distance/online stuff all together bc they’ve had other bad experiences with that stuff, and i dont wanna do anything like that to them.

idk im just kinda stumped

[Heather]

So, sounds like there's been some building coercion in the mix, which I was picking up on from the start. Telling you that your relationship with them is their last chance at one way of interacting with people is coercive (on top of really freaking dramatic, let's be real, this person hasn't been through decades of dating or anything, FFS) because it of course makes you feel like now you have to stay to spare them that. Then also telling you you need to change your feelings was coercive.

I'm thinking some of why you're feeling so bad is that this whole thing was bad from the start and this person isn't a healthy person right now, or coming to this relationship or you in healthy ways. Feeling this bad in something brand new is always a very big sign NOT to move forward, and often to get far away.

When we just, just get involved with someone, it's not healthy to feel this responsible for their happiness, and no matter how long we know or are involved with someone, we are never in control of or responsible for their feelings. But with this being so new, I can assure you that any sadness or discomfort they may feel at you not moving on with this relationship in ways that they want will 100% not be a totally soul-crushing experience, because you two are just too new to each other for it to be that. If it is, in fact, that bad for that person, then that's going to be because they came to this with pain and sadness from other places or people besides you that they need to work through, not that they need you to somehow insulate them from feeling. Get what I mean?

If you're asking me, I think you need to move away from this person altogether. These feel like very bad vibes to me.

If you're up to it, I think maybe it might be a good idea for us to talk about how you're meeting people and how you're developing relationships. It's super common, I'd say, when you're younger to just have everyone who feels a connection kind of barreling in super fast and then finding yourself being like OMG WHAT AM I IN AND HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!? and not knowing how to get out without feeling like you're the asshole. As with so much you've voiced and asked about here, please know this isn't just you and you're no0t being an asshole.

[SillyMcGoof_]

yeah, i get what you mean. i’ve had some other friends tell me similar things (when things were still like 100% platonic between us) but idk its hard to i guess figure out who to believe, especially bc theres been a lot of drama in the friend group lately, if that makes sense.

like i guess as an example of the things i’ve felt sort of pressured by i guess? we play roblox a lot and they really wanna match avatars with me. i dont really want to in all honesty bc if you’re not familiar with the game, most items cost robux which you have to buy with real money, and i wanna focus on other things to spend my money on. they keep looking for and making avatars for us and i feel like they’re treating it as a “when” more than an “if” in terms of getting said avatars if that makes sense. like i said before this could totally be a me thing tho bc im a total doormat and will do anything to please people. im just a bit confused ig bc for some things they’re like “its ok if you dont wanna” but i dont get that vibe for this and some other stuff we’ve done? although i do just kinda go along with whatever so idk.

also yeah, i think i could probably benefit from a conversation like that!

[Heather]

I can totally understand wanting to appease and please people, and for sure, it can make all the social things, no matter what kind of relationship, so much harder and more loaded.

So, before I say more, I'm wondering what happens with something like the example you gave when you just say, "Yeah, I don't want to do that, but thanks," or even, "Hey, I see what you've got going on there with the avatars, but it's just not something I want to do so I need to ask you to accept that boundary." Is that the end of it then, or is there more pushing? Or have you yet not ever felt able to just say no like that when you knew it was a no for you? If it's like that, think about it for a little bit, then see if you can't tell me what you think you might need to feel able to just say no?

(Noted on that other conversation. I need to put a pin in it because I have to do some traveling starting in the middle of this week, and wouldn't want to leave you hanging, but how about we start a conversation about that when I get back early next week?)

[SillyMcGoof_]

honestly i haven’t felt really able to say no bc im worried about how it will affect them, and because they think i will do it i dont wanna disappoint them or make them sad. honestly im not 100% sure what i need to feel like im allowed to say no. maybe validation for my feelings? reassurance that it’ll be ok with the other person involved? idk

honestly atm i definitely feel like going back to how things were before in terms of our relationship would be a lot better for me bc i kinda feel trapped rn and i wanna feel free again. i just dont wanna make them upset or not like me anymore bc they seem to be really happy with all this. last night they were telling me that they were crying bc of how much they love me and id they’re that happy i dont wanna crush them.

also thats ok with me! i guess maybe i need some advice for what i should do in the meantime tho if thats ok with you :]

[Heather]

When you say "them" are you talking about one specific person, or about all people?

In terms of things with this person, I can absolutely see how you'd feel trapped. Again, this is really feeling like it's been very quickly escalating in terms of some unhealthy, not-okay stuff.

Here's the thing though: you have to -- HAVE TO -- accept that you, like the rest of us, cannot control someone else's feelings or if someone likes you. That stuff is out of all of our hands. We can't even control our own feelings, how could we control someone else's!? The best we can do is to be kind and thoughtful with people, and deliver things like decisions we need to make for ourselves we know or think they won't like thoughtfully and with care. That's things like just being nice in the way we say that something isn't working for us and we need to step away (and that all by itself is a totally nice way to say that), letting someone know we value them, and just not being a jerk. Given how much you think about everything, I really don't think that's something you are at risk of. It seems very clear you are much more likely to hurt yourself or let yourself be hurt.

Another thing you can't control or make happen is for how you were before you tried this new way of being in relationship to just revert back. From the sounds of this person, that actually sounds pretty unlikely to me: it seems to me like they sound pretty controlling (and again, coercive: telling someone you were crying about how much you love them when things are getting shaky can be a very manipulative thing to do), and controlling people can tend to react badly when they find out they can't control something they want to.

But what you CAN do is set that intention with them -- like by saying something like, "I would really like to go back to how we were before this, if that is something you want now or after some space" -- and then leave it to them to decide if that's a thing they want, too. No matter what though, I really think you need to end this as soon as possible. This just sounds like a really bad thing, which is probably the biggest reason you feel so bad in it. It's because it IS bad.

One last thing, though: I do think you need to be prepared for this person to react badly. Even talking about how much you love each other when to the best of my knowledge you *just* started dating is a red flag of things being messy and....not great. I expect they will have a very big reaction, one that probably isn't going to even be as genuine as it will be crafted to try and control you by making you feel bad. What do you feel like you need to weather that kind of reaction?

[SillyMcGoof_]

it honestly depends on the context but most of the time its the former, apologies i didnt make it more clear.

also yeah, you’re definitely right on all that. i guess i get so anxious about all this stuff that i just forget to realize that some things are just out of my hands.

i think we started dating on the 7th? so like a few days ago. i think the pet names and i love yous started like a day after maybe? im not sure. although we were calling eachother pet names as a joke beforehand.

im not sure if they (my partner) know if things are getting messy? as atm im kinda just acting like everythings fine and dandy

im honestly not 100% sure what i need. maybe just sort of more of what you predict to happen and ways to help me handle everything depending on how bad it goes? if thats ok with you and/or not too much to ask, ofc

im gonna try to end it as soon as i can. i guess i just need a bit of pushing in the right direction if thats ok. maybe i can also talk to my other friends about it too. idk

[Heather]

Yea, a few days of dating and people saying they love you so much they're crying? Love takes time to build. This isn't love you two are feeling, it's just too soon for that, and love also feels nice and secure when people are sharing it, not desperate and high-drama. That's obsession, and in this case, I think what is happening in this relationship in love bombing, something that happens a lot as controlling or emotionally abusive relationships are beginning. For a very good read on that here, check this out: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abus ... _emotional

Even calling this person your partner you have just started dating is waaaaaaay too soon, you know? A few days into dating, we really shouldn't be calling each other anything yet except our names or "person I am dating" because we haven't even started to build anything yet to know what it is. We're just starting the process of getting to know each other. A few days into dating, you also shouldn't even feel like you need to do some big breakup, because there isn't anything to break up yet, you know? A few days into anything with someone -- a friendship, a romantic or sexual relationship -- things should always be and feel very easy. Again, I think this feels so bad because it is bad.

I can't really predict more than I did in my last post, but like I said, I'd be prepared for this person to react badly. Looking at how they have been behaving so far, I'm sorry to say I wouldn't be surprised if they threatened to hurt themselves or said they did, or if they tried more things to try and control you. I think you need to have a very short thing to say to end this as it is prepared and then I think you need to ask for some space for you both for a while to process each of your feelings separately.

I'd suggest saying something like that this kind of relationship isn't working for you and that you like them a lot (I would not say love, again, that just isn't real, and feeding into fantasy isn't helpful to anyone here), but need to be out of this. You can say what you have here, that you hope you can go back to your friendship in time, but for now, you think taking some time apart for a couple of weeks and then, if you both want, reconnecting to see if the friendship you had before is something you both want and can go back to is the best plan. Then you need to walk alllllllll the way away and NOT get roped into their raction. They need to go have and process these feelings about you with someone who is NOT you, not with you, so if -- and probably when -- they try, you'll need to be ready to set and hold some boundaries. To say no. You can do this, I know it feels scary, and no one likes to feel like someone doesn't like them, but I think you can survive that. <3

I'm totally good -- and the rest of the team is here too -- to help you handle fallout as best we can in this medium. Do you also have someone or someones in-person you can have for support and backup?

[SillyMcGoof_]

thank you, thats all extremely helpful. this all really sucks honestly and it stinks that i got close to yet another person who shows toxic behaviors towards me. im gonna try to think of what i should say, then i can draft something up and maybe send it here for you to look at so i can get a second opinion if thats ok!

i will say that we have been friends for a few months, so theres been some platonic love developing there, but they didn’t even start telling me they loved me until now so yeah idk.

i don’t really have anyone in person to talk about this. i mean my mom’s here but she definitely doesn’t want me dating at my age (and also she probably didn’t think i would in the first place bc im arospec) so im worried she’ll get upset with me if i tell her.

[Amanda B]

Hey SillyMcGoof,

It definitely isn't the most comfortable situation to have to shift the way you relate to someone you care about, but it can often be better for each individual and the relationship in the long run. I'd be happy to take a look at what you plan to say to this person. I think Heather did a great job of emphasizing how important it is to express your boundaries, and give them and yourself to process everything away from one another.

I'm sorry to hear you can't discuss all of this with your mom. After all, some things are more comfortable to talk about with friends! Are you able to connect with people at school, or are you participating in a home-school environment? I'd also be happy to discuss creating connections in person if that's something you're open to.

[SillyMcGoof_]

hiya!!

im homeschooled and i would be open to discussing that! me and my mom are trying to figure stuff out in terms of making friends in person so that would help a lot!

[Amanda B]

Thank you for letting us know and being open to discussing this! I'm glad you and your mom have started trying to figure out how to make friends in person. I'm curious to hear what the two of you have discussed or tried so far, so we can best guide you.

If you haven't already tried, getting involved with the community is a great place to start. Local libraries often have free events for people that can be easily found via their website. I'd also recommend looking into classes or clubs that meet in person. How do these options sound?

[SillyMcGoof_]

we’ve mainly been looking into certain groups and programs for kids my age, mainly ones who are also queer.

i’ll definitely bring those options up to her later to look into some more! thanks!

also, i drafted something up for the “break up” message ig

“i like you a lot, but this type of relationship just isn’t working for me and i think its best that i get out now before things get worse. i hope that we can go back to our friendship in time, but for now i think taking some time apart for a while to process everything separately, and reconnecting later if we both want and are ready. im sorry”

does that sound ok? anything i should add or get rid of?

[Amanda B]

Okay great! Happy to hear how the progress goes with seeking out groups in the community.

Thank you for sending your draft of the message. This looks great! I like how you're clear about your feelings and boundaries. I am wary of including "best I get out now before things get worse". I only say this because it may open the conversation up for them to explain how it won't get worse, or for them to question why you think that. We both know you've put a lot of thought into this and are doing what's best for both of you, so if you're comfortable, I'd recommend leaving that first part with a succinct "just isn't working for me." Period! How does that sound?

[Heather]

In the middle of doing some grant work, but just wanted to pop back in to agree with Amanda! I think this looks great, and agree that it's probably best to leave that one bit out. I agree with her that they might explain why it won't, or gaslight you -- like by telling you it's not bad, or it's only you making it bad -- which no one needs.

[SillyMcGoof_]

you’re both right. i’ll do that! do you think the message is good to go or should i edit it more? i was thinking of adding a “its not you its me” or something like that to it but idk. i just dont wanna make them feel like its their fault yk?