Scarleteen

this... sounds really bad now that im talking about it. but, i was a victim of CSA at age 3, i didnt remember it as i blocked it out, but eventually i realized. for a while, i would hear stories about SA and... somewhat.. wishing it would happen to me? this was happening before i realized i was SA'd and its still happening now. i.. dont know how to describe it, my brain makes it seem... less bad than it is. its not even with my own abuse, its with like... abuse in general. i used to think i "wished" for this to happen because i dont feel valid with what i went through as i forgot it and still dont remember much. i dont know. i.. i feel so bad. i know abuse isnt something to glorify at all, but my brain has a mind of its own.. i guess.

Hi lb07,

I'm so sorry that you are having to process things from when you were 3. Thoughts like the ones you describe are actually pretty common for survivors of abuse. For some of us, putting ourselves in the position of of hypothetically wanting the fantasy version of something bad, it can feel like a way to take back the power from whoever hurt us. Like an unconscious version of "You can't fire me, I quit!". I don't think that's anything to feel bad about - it's just one of the many different routes people take to surviving, as unusual and disturbing as it might feel in hindsight.

Have you ever had any support or therapy to help you with processing your experiences? Especially when you're remembering different ways you've had these thoughts since a very young age, it can be a delicate process to put all the pieces back together and a good therapist can be super helpful.

We can probably help you look around if that's something you'd be interested in?