Crush paranoia?

[mari]

I feel like I'm probably aroace but at the same time, it feels like every week I'll pick a friend or even a non friend who I think about a fair amount and go "oh no what if I have a crush on them". Usually it passes in like a few days to a week, but it happened again and this time it's giving me more anxiety because I'm having that paranoia about a teacher. My logical brain really really doesn't think that's the case, bc really I just think she's nice and think abt her sometimes and want her to think I'm smart/a good student, but my anxiety brain is like AARGH GROSS EW BAD NO and gets weird intrusive thoughts that cause even more anxiety. I was wondering if there was a way to stop this "crush paranoia"? Like, when I know it isn't true but I still get anxious about it. Because it's messing me up and making it difficult to concentrate on school stuff a lot of the time.
Rn I'm just hoping that it'll pass sooner rather than later, like it did with the 2 people who I previously got similar paranoia about, but I wish there was a way to accelerate the process or even prevent it from happening altogether because it really does make me uncomfortable. Any advice would be appreciated!

[Sam W]

Hi Mari,

That sounds really stressful and tiring! I think one helpful starting place would be to see if you can work out why you feel like having a crush is something that would be cause for worry in the first place. Because right now it sounds like your anxiety is acting up at the thought of you potentially having a crush, which is a completely common thing to have.

[mari]

Because it'd be weird to have one on a teacher. I know it's a thing that happens and it's not wrong and I don't care if it happens to other people, but if I did then I'd be uncomfortable doing work for that class and thinking about it and it's just not something I want to worry about. I don't think I do, really. But a tiny part of me keeps going "what if..?" And it's messing me up because I can't focus on schoolwork without thinking about it and getting anxious again.

[Amanda B]

Hey mari,

How does the anxiety you feel about this potential crush on a teacher compare to the anxiety you've felt around other crushes? If it's different, why do you think that is? If the anxiety feels the same, can you in down where exactly that anxiety may be coming from?

[mari]

I haven't had a crush in a long time so I can't really say. All I can say is that it's really uncomfortable and it makes it hard for me to get anything done. I'm having trouble doing work for the class she teaches because I keep thinking about the probably not crush and getting so anxious that I can't focus. I just want it to go away as soon as possible but the anxiety is so much more intense compared to previous crush paranoia anxiety so I'm worried it'll stay longer, too...

[Amanda B]

I'm sorry this anxiety is interfering with your schoolwork. I'd like to revisit something you mentioned earlier in the thread, the 'tiny part' of you that 'keeps going "what if...?" What are you contemplating here? I'm asking because breaking down this anxious thought process may help us figure out how to deal with all these feelings.

Too, something I've found helpful when I'm experiencing intense anxiety is mindfulness. By hoping the anxiety goes away as soon as possible, this may actually be making everything more intense. Sometimes it's helpful to acknowledge the anxiety. Once you acknowledge the feelings and sit with everything, it can become easier to label the thoughts and release them. Does this sound like a helpful exercise?

[mari]

I'm contemplating if I actually like her or not. I hope I don't, there isn't really evidence that I do, but my mind keeps latching on to the idea and it's... not great.

That does sound helpful, I'll try it out. I think I'm just kind of scared of doing nothing for too long because it'll give me time to think about bad things.

[Jacob]

Super glad that Amanda's mindfulness suggestion sounds like it could help!

I think the versions of mindfulness I've most appreciated are ones which emphasize compassion and self-compassion. So that even an unexpected troubling thought is treated with care and we don't beat ourselves up for having had it. For some people shorter meditations are better so you build up the practice of reminding yourself of mindful self-compassion without going too deep too quickly, and then the possibility of what you described becomes less scary, and a slightly longer meditation feels doable.

You mentioned that feeling really uncomfortable is the thing about a crush that scares you, and then anxiety in itself sounds pretty uncomfortable too. So, I wonder if first allowing yourself a bit of discomfort and then building up your ability to show care towards the part of you which had that thought/feeling might be the ticket to finding it easier in the future to have passing thoughts and discomforts without them turning into big anxieties taking up so much of your headspace?

[Sam W]

Hi Mari,

I do want to add in here that crushes, even mild ones, tend to be a pretty obvious set of feelings when we're experiencing them. We generally aren't having to hunt for evidence of them; the evidence tends to come to us in the form of our emotions when we're around or thinking about that person, you know? So when you're trying to counter these anxious thoughts, it could help to remind yourself of that.

[mari]

I think you're right, thank you. I'm just gonna try and stay distracted and not think about it too much, the anxiety has already faded from when I first posted this so hopefully it'll just disappear into the background by the end of the week. Thank you so much for the help.