Scarleteen

Hi, I'm M/18 and I'm demisexual, but I don't feel attraction to penetrative sex at all. I don't find nudity in men nor women sexually arousing, though they can look good, just not in that way. When I was a bit younger I thought I was asexual until I came up with the idea of being suffocated, which might sound a bit extreme but that's what I enjoyed and I did it do that once or twice. When I looked further into suffocation I came across facesitting, which I thought I would enjoy really much with my partner. Now I actually do have a partner for over a year already and they did want I liked while I also did things they enjoyed, but I noticed that we are sexually not compatible and they started to say that they don't feel like the facesitting has to do anything with them. Which I can understand, since its not intimate either because I only enjoy facesitting in clothes.
My partner enjoys other sexual things that I gladly do for them, but they stopped for months now to act upon my fetish in any way, which makes me feel like I'm wrong for having this fetish in the first place. Because of that, I also suggested to them to just drop the sexual aspect of our relationship, because I also think it is kind of unfair that I satisfy them sexually in ways that I dont enjoy that much either while they just dont do it at all. It would be so muh easier if I was attracted to normal things like other people, is there a way to make myself condition to like something...? I tried various ways already, like thinking of other things the moment I orgasm so I can trick my brain into thinking I did it to that, but whatever I do it's not working. I feel like sexually I will be really unsatisfied in this relationship, but everything else is so perfect, so I feel like I should ever give up on the sexual part or I should force myself to like something else. I could of course also just sexually satisfy them and not receive any sexual pleasure, which I could live with but that doesn't erase my thoughts of being treated unevenly in the relationship.

I'm really grateful for answers and even if there is not a clear answer, I'm always happy about some consolation and counseling!
Have a nice day

Hi there, Catsaregreat (that's right, they are!)- welcome to the boards!

I want to say that there is nothing wrong with enjoying what you enjoy, even if it is unusual or if a partner doesn't like it themselves. Still, if your partner isn't interested in facesitting, that is a good enough reason for them to not do it with you. As you said, you two may just be sexually incompatible. I know that can be really disappointing, especially since the rest of your relationship feels perfect.

Just to clarify, have you talked to your partner about how all this makes you feel about your fetish, and how you feel like you're being treated unevenly in the relationship?

While it is definitely possible to develop new sexual interests/kinks, it isn't a straightforward process where you can simply choose what you want to like, especially when this comes from a desire to force yourself to be more 'normal'. As I understand, people tend to find new kinks when they explore/experiment without pressuring themselves.

I wonder, how would you feel about keeping your relationship as it is now and looking for sexual satisfaction with other partners? Do you know what your partner would think of nonmonogamy?

I did talk to them about me feeling like it's a bit uneven and they kept saying, they will act upon it and do it, but then I notice that they just don't. So they promise me something that they can't keep, which is probably a bigger issue to me than them not wanting to. They should be open about not wanting it, which I told them as well, but they keep claiming that they want to do it. (Just ends the same every time)

We already talked about non-monogamy a few times, and for me personally, it would take a long time for me to find someone I would find sexually attractive, since I have to get really close to them first, which I feel like would be unhealthy for my current relationship.
Also, cats are amazing and thank you for your answer!!!

Hi catsaregreat,

It does sound like the overall dynamic with sex between you two isn't a great one; you feel like things are uneven and like you're not enjoying yourself, and they don't want to engage in the sexual things you actually do like. So I agree with you that ending the sexual element of this relationship is the kindest thing to do for everyone. Do you feel up for having that conversation with your partner?

I do want to add to something Latha said, which is that not only do changes to our sexual interests usually come in part from experimenting or exploring different things, they can also emerge within a specific relationship; a certain activity can really arouse us with a particular partner and then be of zero interest to us with anyone else (including in our own brains). That's all to say that not only is there likely someone out there with whom you are more compatible, there could also be a person out there that introduces you to some new things that you end up enjoying.