i didnt learn from last time, i guess.

[lb07]

i was on reddit, i posted on a forum there about assault and how i "wanted" it to happen again, i mentioned i almost put myself in a bad situation earlier today. i got a message from someone, he was asking me questions like about the situation that happened earlier, he asked to see a picture of me, so i sent him one (it was just my outfit) without my face and he said cute, he asked me what i was wearing at the moment and he asked me to send me a picture and asked me if i wanted to "look cute." i said yes and he told me to pull my underwear up so that it looks like a thong, i told him i did it and he asked for a picture of it, i said no but he said "do you wanna be a super cutie? all you need to do is say yes to my suggestions, you can be a good girl and do that, cant you?" everytime i said no he just said "so i guess you dont want compliments" and said i was treating him meanly. i said i was 16 in the reddit post, i dont know how old he is. i shouldve learned from the last time i had to come onto here to talk about something like this. i shouldnt have mentioned my age, i shouldnt have talked about it on reddit of all places at all. i wanted the attention and i guess i got it.

[lb07]

the person blocked me, and now the messages are gone. i dont have proof anymore.

[Sam W]

Hi lb07,

I'm sorry that this person saw you opening up about the same thing you told us to and reacted by trying to pressure you into something sexual; that's such a gross thing to do, and I'm glad you were able to hold your boundaries and not send anything you weren't comfortable with. If nothing else, it sounds like you're discovering that places that allow for direct messaging between users aren't great places for you to talk about this stuff.

Jacob mentioned this in one of your other threads, but have you ever gotten any support around the assault that happened when you were little? And if you notice yourself routinely making choices to take risks around sexual things, have you ever talked with someone about that or gotten any support around it?

[lb07]

i havent told anyone about the risks, i thought nobody would understand so i just kept it to myself. i did get support about the assault i suffered at age 3, though. i do have a therapist so im planning on telling her about this.

[Sam W]

I speaking with your therapist about this is a sound next step in terms of taking care of yourself! If you want some help working out how to bring this all up, that's certainly something we can talk about.

Too, do you feel like you have a lot of information on how to take risks, of any kind, safely as possible? Or do you kind of feel like, when you go to evaluate whether to take a risk, you don't have the tools to do that?

[lb07]

i dont know how to take those risks safely i dont think
i did tell my school social worker about what happened and that helped a lot since it will take a while for me to see my therapist again

[Heather]

I'm happy to start a conversation with you about how to make sound choices when there's risk involved.

Though it sounds more to me like where you're having a hard time is twofold: it sounds like you're not picking up on when someone is being a creep (like sexualizing someone via a post about their sexual assault experience) AND, as you said, are having a very hard time making good choices when you want sexual attention, including not recognizing when that's not healthy or in a healthy/safe situation. Does that sound right?

[lb07]

i recognize when its unhealthy, i just... dont care. especially when its adults, i dont know, sexual attention feels better from an adult even though im a minor and i know its wrong.

[Latha]

Hi there, lb07

You know, when we do things that we know are not good for us, there can sometimes be a sense that anything bad that happens is just what we deserve, or even what we want. I want to tell you that this isn't true. As Sam said earlier, it was awful and gross for that person on Reddit to try to push you into something sexual after they saw your post. Just because you sometimes have a sense that you 'want' such attention, doesn't mean you deserve people treating you badly. So, just in case, don't blame yourself.

I think it's fairly common for people to do things that they know are unhealthy, and it usually isn't that bad. The problem here is that these situations could really hurt you.

If I may ask, how do you feel when you get this kind of attention? Does it give you something, like a sense of being validated or supported? There is nothing wrong with wanting those things, so if the attention does give them to you, maybe we can think of another place to find them.

[lb07]

when i get attention like that i feel wanted and cared for, usually i don’t get attention in a sexual/romantic way because of how i look, so whenever someone compliments me in that way it makes me feel special

[Sam W]

Hi lb07,

That's I very understandable way to feel. But as you seem to know, it's also a dynamic that can, and often is, used by people who don't actually care about your well-being and just see you as a means of getting some kind of sexual gratification for themselves. So finding other ways to feel wanted and cared for is for sure something to work on, and something we can help you brainstorm if you'd like.

Can you give me a sense of what your social ties are like, both with family but also with people like friends or teachers? Are there other places in your life where you receive positive attention from anyone?

When it comes to risk-taking more generally, I do think it could help to read this article and practice implementing the advice it gives on doing risk evaluation: Risky Business: Learning to Consider Risk and Make Sound Sexual Choices. Sexual things aside, risk is something we encounter a LOT in our lives, and knowing how to make choices around it is a really, really important skill.

[lb07]

i have positive ties with family, teachers and friends. getting that kind of care comes easy to me, which is good.

[Sam W]

That is good! Are there things that feel like they're missing from that kind of care that you're only able to get from these riskier interactions? Is it just the element of desire or are there other things as well?

[lb07]

i just want love in a different way, i want romantic love, everytime i find it, they always end up leaving me

[Latha]

Hi again, lb07

Ah, it is understandable that you want romantic love. If you feel okay talking about it, what did you mean by 'they always end up leaving me'?

[lb07]

everytime i get healthy romantic love, it never works out and they break up with me, that’s what i meant by “they always leave me” because they do, i thought that if i was in an unhealthy relationship, then they wouldn’t wanna leave me.

[Sam W]

So, there are a few things to keep in mind with that idea that I think might help you frame all this in a way that doesn't put you in the path of people who might hurt you in some way.

The first is that you're still young. I don't say that to be dismissive of how you feel or what you're experiencing, but more to offer the perspective that the majority of your life, and your relationships, are ahead of you, not behind you, so when you're looking for patterns about who leaves and who doesn't, you're doing so with pretty limited evidence.

But more than that, wanting an unhealthy relationship because you assume the other person won't leave is a not-great framework for a few reasons. One is that crummy, or abusive, partners can and do leave people all the time, and even in instances where they're demanding total loyalty from a partner, that doesn't mean they themselves are being loyal; in the vast majority of cases, unhealthy or abusive relationships have an element where the person doing the crummy behavior has a very different set of standards and expectations for a partner than they do for themselves.

More importantly, the ability for either person to leave is a really, really important part of a healthy relationship. Because without that freedom, it's not a relationship, it's locked room that generally gets smaller and smaller with every passing day. That's not to say being broken up with, or otherwise having a relationship end, is pleasant. It can majorly suck. But that hurt, or potential for it, is a trade off we make for being able to leave if/when we need to as well, you know?