My roommate smells bad

[Eveningprimrose]

I'm a Sophomore in college and my roommate is from Nepal. We get along well, have a lot in common, and have had fun learning about each other's cultures. The one issue we have is that she smells bad and are room smells strongly like garlic. I've been very understanding so far and haven't said anything. I've figured that maybe she's not used to the heat here (it's been in the 80s and 90s recently) and that it won't be as bad when the weather cools. I also know that it's highly likely that she's not used to wearing deodorant. However, it's gotten really bad and I'm tired of the smell.

Anyways, I was wondering if anyone has ideas on what to do about it. I open the window every afternoon which helps somewhat. My professor suggested that I start a conversation where I ask if there's anything I do that bothers her. Then I can politely but directly tell her about the issue. That seems like it would work well, but do you have any other thought? I really hate confrontation. Thanks!

[Jacob]

Hey eveningprimrose,

Your professor's suggestion can be a useful way-in to some difficult conversations, but I'd also caution that if the initial question is just a pretext to ask them to wear deodorant, it might come across as underhanded, which could make the rest of the conversation even more difficult.

There's nothing inherently 'bad' about our bodies' smell, and indeed our smell is a very intimate part of us, so if we are told it is bad, it can feel like we are bad. So asking her to change because she is doing the wrong thing around something so personal, could be pretty hurtful, even if she could shower more or whatever.

I think starting from that place of empathy, with a bit of self-awareness, can be really helpful as it lets you re-frame the problem as your own discomfort, not simply another person's body smell.

When I've been in those situations, I haven't ever really said anything about it, I've offered help if it seems like it's part of a wider emotional-unwellness-affecting-hygene thing, but otherwise I've just tried to deal with it in my own.

If I was going to say something though, and it was clear that I was struggling with the smell I think I'd say something like this:

"I have something maybe embarrassing to talk about (it can be good to give a heads up)... I am struggling with being in such a small closed space, partially because we have to smell each-other's body odors all the time, and those smells linger in our room, I am trying to get used to it, but with us being in such close quarters I wanted to ask you if we could agree to try and keep the place smelling a little fresher by opening windows when we can, shaking up our bedding and using deodorant regularly?"

[Eveningprimrose]

That's a really good way to look at it. I'll think about it a bit more for a few weeks and then decide what (if anything) I'll say. Thanks for the advice!