i’m an idiot

[lb07]

i’m 16 years old, and i was desperate for attention. a few days ago, i found a side of twitter from someone i used to know, it was a side of twitter riddled with adults who were attracted to teenagers. i saw the attention this person was getting and i wanted that as well. so, i made an account on this side of twitter, and followed someone. he’s 28, and he messaged me, at first it was just casual talk about how we both felt guilty for being on this side of twitter. i posted something inapropriate on my own accord before i started talking to him, i meant to delete it but i think i forgot. it wasnt a picture or anything it was an audio, and.. ill just say i was really dumb for doing that. he messaged me saying he listened to it because he thought it was gonna be of me just talking, i said sorry bc i was embarassed and he said "dont be, it was cute." and then he asked if he could hear my actual voice sometime. i posted a voice memo of my regular voice and he said it was cute, he asked me to say something inapropriate next time, he said it was a "half joke," i never actually did it. on homecoming night, i posted a photo of my outfit (nothing inapropriate, literally just my outfit.) after i posted it, he liked the post, and then instantly tweeted something about how he had a fantasy of teaching a teenaged boy how to tie a tie properly and then slowly groping this hypothetical teenager. he messaged me saying "you made me think of that post by the way" and i was.. oddly flattered. nobody had ever said something like that to me before this.

and then a 21 year old followed me a few days later. for some fucking reason i posted ANOTHER one of those inapropriate audios, i dont know why. but the 21 year old told me he was listening to it at work and he said it was hot. he also would say he loved me, and whenever i mentioned wanting to deactivate my account, he told me not to. he asked me to promise him.

i didnt keep that promise, i deactivated the account yesterday. and i just keep thinking why i would do this to myself, why would i let myself get into this situation. i feel so stupid, i really do. im probably gonna get a lot of blame for this, and i know its my fault.


i wish i knew why i kept doing this to myself. i’m sorry i keep having to come on here to talk about stuff like this. i feel so alone.

[Latha]

Hi there, lb07

I'm sorry, this must be so isolating. I understand how it can feel right to blame yourself, to call yourself stupid and an idiot. But those thoughts are not justified. This is a complicated problem- if the solution was simple, you would have found it already. So don't blame yourself, and try to refrain from calling yourself unkind things. Beating yourself up over this will make it harder for you to understand why this is happening and change these patterns. And remember to appreciate yourself when you do things that are better for you- you did well in deactivating the account.

Based on the other thread where you've discussed this, it seems to me that you're putting these older people and their attention on a pedestal they don't deserve, and not respecting your own needs and safety enough. But that is understandable. It takes time to time to identify your values and needs, and it takes practice to make choices that are in line with those things.

If you don't mind me asking, what was the situation like when you started feeling 'desperate'? What were you doing?

It may be helpful to avoid making decisions when you're feeling that way. I wonder, do you have any hobbies or interests that you really enjoy? Perhaps you could use those to redirect your attention- the urge to, for example, post such videos may become less strong if you give it some time.

[lb07]

i don’t really remember what the situation was like when i was feeling desperate, all i know is that i wanted that kind of attention and i didn’t care who it came from or what could happen to me. i do have hobbies and ive been using those to get my mind off of this

[Latha]

i don’t really remember what the situation was like

Ah, fair enough. If you can, try to make a note of what you've been doing if you catch yourself feeling this way again.

Also, would you like to brainstorm a plan of action for these situations together? Just a list of things you can do that will help you handle these feelings in the moment.

[lb07]

yes i would like to brainstorm a plan.

[Latha]

Okay! You mentioned that you've tried to distract yourself with your hobbies. Is there anything else you've tried?

Do you think you could reach out to another person who you could talk to or spend time with when you feel like this?

How viable do you think it would be to reduce the time you spend on places like Reddit or Twitter, at least temporarily?

It may help to make a list of the reasons you why you don't want to act on these feelings that you can look at in the moment.

How do these sound?