Scarleteen

My girlfriend and I have recently been trying to have phone sex. For me, I get turned on by watching her shower and in a visual way. But she doesn’t. She wants me to talk to her to turn her on but I don’t know what to say.
Firstly, I’m not ready to do much in person, so I don’t want to lie and say something that I don’t really mean. Just talking about kissing or cuddling isn’t enough for her though, which totally makes sense but I don't really feel ready for more than that.
She says that she likes when I talk about her body but it's hard for me to do that for any amount of time without feeling like I have to go into more detail which I just feel like I can't do.
I freeze up. I've never been particularly good with words but especially in this situation it feels like I'm really limited in what I can say and I just don't know what to do.
It feels like I have the worst creative block ever. Another part of the issue is that when I try to talk to her, she's dead silent. She says she doesn't like to talk when she's touching herself but it's hard for me to gauge how she's feeling and if what I'm saying is ok. She doesn't give me anything to work with.
What do I say or are they're other things I can try to do to turn her on? It just feels like I'm not holding up my end of the relationship in this aspect.

Hi Ty2007,

You're already doing the biggest thing I'd recommend, which is talking with her about what she wants you to say and what needs to happen on the call for you each to find it enjoyable rather than stressful.

You mention you don't feel like you're great with words. Do you have an easy time talking with her in a sexual way when you two are together in person? Or is that also something that isn't easy for you then, either?

I do want to say that not enjoying, or not being good at, a given sexual thing isn't the same as not holding up your side of a relationship. Sometimes there are sexual things our partners want that just aren't for us; negotiating and figuring out where those points are is one part of figuring out how to be sexual with another person.

Hi thank you for responding. We don’t really do sexual stuff in person. We tried for a while but I just felt like I wasn’t ready for it, so stuff over the phone is the best compromise we’ve come up with.
Talking in a sexual way just doesn’t seem to come naturally to me, especially because of the limits I have. I don’t want to tell her things that aren’t true and that I’m not actually ready to do in real life.
I just feel like I overthink everything I say and end up drawing a blank. It’s both of our first times doing this kind of thing so neither of us fully know what we’re doing.

Thanks for those details!

Given that you haven't done, and aren't comfortable doing, many sexual things in person and talking in a sexual way doesn't come easily to you, I can see why this would feel more stressful and frustrating than anything else.

One option you could use, if you wanted to, is to describe fantasies you have, rather than trying to describe things you'd do in person. Some people find it easier to talk about this stuff when it's in the realm of "what if" or "sometimes I think about" because that takes the pressure off to feel like you have to only describe what you actually want to do.

But honestly, if this just isn't fun or comfortable for you, then I'd take it off the table for now (or forever, it's okay if it's never something you like). Do you feel like you can ask your girlfriend for that?

I have tried describing fantasies but I still struggle with the talking. Like the words just don’t flow and I don’t know how to improve on that. Also my girlfriend says that she prefers when I’m more in the moment.
I do enjoy it so I don’t want to stop, especially since it’s the only real sexual thing we do, but I just want to improve.

I do want to make sure that there is room in all this for you to be who you are as a person, and room for your sexuality.

It's one thing to try and expand our horizons some for our own pleasure or mutual benefit: it's another when we feel like we have to try so hard to do something because someone else wants it, we want to please them, and it isn't something that really fits us.

Bearing that in mind, how does writing feel to you? You might find that writing out the words in advance to read later, or even just kind of bounce off of, or just the practice of journaling to really discover more of what sexual talk even feels like more authentically for you helps and feels right.