What am I supposed to do?

[Peachyyy]

Hi so my friend recently told me that her dad (blood dad) recently kinda sexually assaulted her my heart dropped when she told me because she also told me not to tell anyone. And I know telling someone is the right thing to do but there's a catch. We are both of African descent with African parents who live in Europe, and the thing is that I know for a fact if that happened to me I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Why? Because usually in families of people of colour this stuff happens and it always gets ignored.(like out of embarrassment and also cuz other people in the situation have no choice but to cover up the person especially if it's the sole provider of the house) She told me she didn't think her mom would believe her and tbh I think so too. she also doesn't want to tell her sister or the school because she knows and I know that it would ruin her family (like if he went to jail or something) or if the police got involved and I'm also really scared that he's gonna do it again to her but I don't know what to do because I really want to tell my mum because I know that my mum will do something about it but I don't know if her mom will just ignore it and lie or something and call joyce I liar because I know for a fact it can be scary knowing your husband is touching on your daughter. but it's not an excuse to ignore your daughter and let her suffer. Mind you her dad is also a PASTOR of a literal church so ig my question is. How would she even cope if she did tell someone?
She has 2 younger siblings that have literally just entered primary school so what would life be like for them?
Because I'm not gonna lie to you the foster system or whatever in my country is not trustworthy at all really and she still this and next year left in school

[Sam W]

Hi Peachyyy,

I'm so sorry for your friend, and for you for being in an environment where you know abuse is not taken seriously or survivors are not believed (and for where the social services in place to help are not necessarily reliable or safe all the time either). I'm glad, though, that she has a friend she trusts enough to confide in, and who cares about her enough to ask for some guidance around what to do.

I do think you're right that you, or ideally her, should tell an adult about what's going on. But I hear you on how tricky that is given all the things you've described here. And, of course, there's the fact she doesn't want anyone else to know. It's a good instinct to honor your friends privacy and the promise you made, but there are also, sadly, times where confidence has to be broken for the sake of keeping ourselves or someone we care about safe. That's very much the situation now. Too, part of the reason people tell teenagers to "tell a trusted adult" about abuse is because adults often have access to resources young people don't, and those resources might be a big help when dealing with abuse.

It's that "trusted" part of finding an adult to got to that can be extra tricky. As you pointed out, adults don't always believe young people about abuse, or do anything with the information once it's given. You mention that you really want to tell your mom because she might actually do something (and it sounds like you're confident she'd believe you). What things do you think your mom might do if you told her?

Sadly, your fear that your friend's dad might do this again is a very real possibility. But there may be things you, and she, can do to help her stay as safe as possible (that shouldn't be on her to do, let alone from her own parent, but here we are). One would be to see if you can have her spend more time at your home than she already is, including maybe sleeping over if that's an option.

Another would be to encourage her or help her get in touch with some kind of rape crisis or abuse resource in your area. They could advise her and offer support. That kind of resource is something we could help you find. We can also find some additional information for you about supporting a friend in this situation if that would be helpful.

Too, if she feels comfortable, your friend is also more than welcome to come here for support (if she does, make sure she makes her own account). We could talk with her not only about how she's feeling, but also how to maybe protect herself some or how to ask for help from other people in her life.

[Peachyyy]

Thanks for a response I was scared I wouldnt get one for hours

Here you said

"Sadly, your fear that your friend's dad might do this again is a very real possibility. But there may be things you, and she, can do to help her stay as safe as possible (that shouldn't be on her to do, let alone from her own parent, but here we are). One would be to see if you can have her spend more time at your home than she already is, including maybe sleeping over if that's an option."

That's the thing about African parents, they are super strict I've only ever had a sleepover once with her and that was at her house.
and if say it was about to happen again she told me her dad could almost kill her and beat her if she screams and I'm taking her word for it. Her dad is the pastor of a church meaning he has a big reputation so if it got out it would be crazy.

"You mention that you really want to tell your mom because she might actually do something (and it sounds like you're confident she'd believe you). What things do you think your mom might do if you told her?"

My mom is super against pedophiles and children being abused and stuff but I feel if I tell my mom and try get her involved and she tries to tell my friends mom, my friends mom will get angry and that could put my friend I'm even more danger because I feel shes the type of person who will go straight to the abuser and ask him directly and then it'll all just go spiralling if you know what I mean


I also forgot to mention but her dad is some type of computer guy and my friend said he can see everything she does on her phone like who she texts ect
So I can't rlly be texting her about so and so regarding this ect
Only when i see her which is everyday

[Heather]

I'm so sorry to hear all of this, and I really empathize with your struggle as her friend who wants so badly to help.

Would you mind sharing with me where you're both at in Ireland? I'd like to try and find some in-person resources that would probably be the best help for your friend (and ideally not the standard issue welfare system). This very much sounds like a situation to me where, you're right, uneducated or too-close interference could potentially put your friend in more danger. My best advice for right now would be to tell your friend to keep her head down while we try and find an organization or individual who is both qualified (including with culturally relevant knowledge and sensitivity) and set up to intervene with a situation this volatile and dangerous.