Scarleteen

I am an 18 year old FTM and i have never been able to finger myself. I am embarrassed. I have a LD (long distance) boyfriend who is also FTM and we both do not plan on getting bottom surgery for sexual and personal reasons. I’ve always had a problem with not being able to finger myself but i know my body craves it. I’ve done everything and i just can’t seem to do it and i’m absolutely terrified to go to an obgyn or whatever it’s called because of trust issues and trauma. I’ve always been more sensitive in the area where my hole? is located and the way i can truly get myself off is a cornered surface (night stand, table, counter, etc.) i don’t know if i’ve ever even orgasmed? I know i can feel pleasure down there and i want to so bad but i can’t seem to do it and it’s so frustrating. it seems like every girl i’ve ever been friends with can do it just fine. my main concern is that when my bf and i meet he’ll realize something is wrong with me. no matter how aroused i am i can’t seem to put my finger in. and i feel like it might be my fault. whenever i’ve gotten turned on since i was young i’ve always pulsed?? down there and squeezed my legs together? i just wish i could finger myself so bad sometimes it feels so empty inside of me when i try to touch myself and i try and i just can’t get it i don’t even know what i’m doing wrong anymore or if something is absolutely wrong with me. i’ve even taken pictures down there to see if something is wrong and to me it looks normal. i just want to be able to have sex comfortably when we meet and not have to be scared. i guess this turned more into a vent than anything else. also i don’t know if anyone even uses this site anymore

Hi leviwig0607,

Yep, lots of people still use this site, including folks who have described similar situations to the one you're in!

There are a few different things I want to address in your question, but the one I want to get to first is: I promise there's nothing wrong with you, or broken about you, or anything like that. For starters, issues inserting things are more common than a lot of people realize. But even if they weren't, our bodies don't always behave how we expect or want them to, and that doesn't make us, or them, bad.

Too, if you and your boyfriend do decide to be sexual together, there's no need for you to do anything involving insertion if you don't want to or if it's painful for you. There are lots of ways of being sexual with another person that don't involve that, and if your partner cares about you he won't push you to do something that actively creates fear and anxiety for you.

When it comes to the actual process of masturbation, there are a few different things that could be contributing to what's going on. To start, when you try inserting fingers are you both turned on and using a lot of lube? And do you feel like your focus is on the pleasurable sensations or on a fantasy, or is it mainly on the fact you can't get your fingers in, or your fear that you won't be able to get them in?

I really appreciate your response. He definitely wouldn’t push me or anything like that he’s very sweet and understanding. i guess the anxiety of it is more… selfish? i want to be able to feel good with him and i am a very sexual person so it’s more or less me just being disappointed with myself. When i try inserting my fingers i usually am turned on i don’t usually think about it when i’m not, but i don’t use lube i’ve been thinking of trying that it’s just not easy for me to get atm. The question abt if it’s pleasurable sensation or fantasy really puzzled me because i guess it’s always actually been fantasy.. maybe? i know i’ve done stuff and it’s felt good but not enough to make me orgasm like other people i usually get overstimulated and stop which ik is probably what’s stopping me from having that reaction. but as well as not being able to get a finger in, i have trouble thinking of just one thing at a time so when i’m doing it i have like “oh this feels good can i get my finger in” while thinking of a “fantasy” but then i cant get it in and then i end up feeling frustrated and stop or i continue until i’ve had enough and i’m like alright i’m exhausted

Hi there, Leviwig0607

I don't think it isn't selfish for you to want to feel good with your boyfriend- just, don't be so harsh with yourself. Of course, it isn't wrong to see if there is something you can address to make fingering yourself more pleasurable. But as Sam said, sometimes our bodies don't behave the way we expect them to, and that doesn't make them bad or deficient.

i don’t use lube i’ve been thinking of trying that it’s just not easy for me to get atm

Oh, it is possible that lube could help with this. If you don't mind me asking, what is making it difficult to get lube? Perhaps we can help. For example, there are services that provide free lube and condoms, and sometimes, they can discreetly send such packages to your home.

Just to clarify, is it painful when you try to finger yourself? If so, would you describe how that feels?

Regarding fantasies and pleasurable sensations: When people come to us with this kind of difficulty, we usually recommend focusing on pleasurable sensations or fantasies while masturbating, instead of thinking about what isn't working. Being aroused and relaxed can make it easier and less painful to insert things inside, while feeling frustrated, afraid, or upset (for example, because you can't get your fingers in) ironically makes things more difficult, since it keeps you from staying relaxed. Does this make sense?

(P.S. You mentioned feeling overstimulated- if you'd like, we can discuss ways to handle that.)