how to just stop caring?

[naurmi008]

my bully stopped talking about me as much i think, but the damage is done she spread rumors that i was the one flirting with the teacher 100% and he didn't do anything wrong, and people just view me and call me a "whore" and stuff
i've been ignoring it pretty well, but sometimes i keep hearing stuff like "hey x y z was talking about you" and i don't know what to do
i have so much against my bully and that ex teacher that could ruin the both of their lives and i've been holding myself back and telling myself to not stoop to their levels but i don't know how to hold this in anymore
i would love sime advice on how to cope better

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

Can you remind me where things stand with you and your parents advocating for you with your school? Have you been able to make plans to move schools or anything like that in order to just get away from this whole situation?

Too, one simple thing to do is if someone tells you that other people were talking about you is to say "hey, that's a sore spot for me. Please don't bring up that person/situation." Depending on how well you know the person you're talking to, you could also remind them that even if they think they're helping you out by keeping you informed, what they're functionally doing is helping the bully out by bringing their nonsense to you even as you're trying to stay away from them.

[naurmi008]

hi, my school basically told my parents and lawyer "there's nothing we can do" and i just got too tired to fight for it anymore so yeah..
i've thought about moving schools but practically everyone from every school here knows about this and the rumors so i just decided to stay here since my close friends are here too..

i want to be able to speak up for myself but i'm too scared to. like i'm scared i'll appear "weak", i just want to seem like i've moved on but i know i haven't

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry to hear that your school is just utterly failing to handle this in a responsible way, and that it feels like you, your parents, and your lawyer have hit a dead end when dealing with them.

You know, advocating for ourselves is the opposite of weakness. As you've noticed, speaking up can be hard and intimidating, and many of us are taught to avoid it so we won't seem pushy or difficult. So being able to move past all that takes strength. Would it help to have some resources on how to speak up for yourself, and maybe talk about what approaches to take when it comes to people you know versus random people saying rude things to you?

I do want to add that any reasonable person would be able to see why this isn't easy to move on from, in no small part because you're still stuck around the people who are harassing you. It'd be like telling someone to move on from being bitten by a dog when the dog was still latched onto their leg, you know?

[naurmi008]

i think some resources would be great. and getting informed of how to actually speak up would be nice too.
i know moving on isn't a limear process but it's been harder for me to take my time to heal because people around me (my parents specifically) keep pushing me to hurry up and leave it in the past

[Sam W]

Okay, here are a few starting places for how to speak up for yourself or hold boundaries, including advice on how to practice those things in little ways: Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves, How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics, https://captainawkward.com/2019/06/20/1 ... es-school/

Too, do you think your parents would be open to some resources on how to support you? I ask because pushing someone to move on when they're still in the middle of a stressful situation isn't actually all that helpful, and since it seems like they do care about you, there may be a way to get them to stop doing that.