sexual partner lied about dating history

[podencos]

I dated this person a few years ago before he left the state for school. We were together for three years in a committed monogamous relationship.
We continued to talk during this time but never agreed on long-distance dating. We remained friends.

During the time that he moved away, he visited my city twice. We had sex during each visit, using condoms.

During his most recent third visit, three weeks ago, we did not use any contraception. Before sex, we talked about our dating and sex history, and neither of us had been with anyone else unprotected. We talked about taking the plan b pill after spending the weekend together.

He flew back home the next day, and i took the plan b pill then. We've been texting every day since.

Fast forward two weeks, and I start to have vaginal pain and begin to panic. I text him about it and say I'm going to get sti tested for peace of mind. He then admits that he is seeing someone and having unprotected sex with them. Meaning at the time that we had sex unprotected during his visit three weeks ago, he'd also been having sex with a new partner back home.

My heart dropped. For more reasons than one (I actually love this person and was convinced we would eventually get back together based on our conversations throughout the years) but also panicking about the possibility of contracting an STI.

I run to the clinic and get tested for everything. It all comes back negative. It may have been that my period had happened a week before, and maybe that's why I was having vaginal pain.

Now that I am not as worried about the possibility of an sti, I am processing this betrayal.

I text him asking why he didn't tell me about his new partner. He said he "wanted to protect my feelings" because he "cares a lot about me." He also apologized.

I asked if he told his new partner about this, he said no. He also told me he has "moved on" and intends to stay in his new state (this had been a topic that for years he'd been vague about, every time I asked, he wouldn't give me a real answer, other than he was 'considering his career options')

A big part of me feels so sad and heartbroken. I actually cared about this person. Another part feels foolish for trusting him. I feel like I am questioning my own judgment about trusting people. He lied to me, and I believed it without a single doubt. As far as I know, he had never lied to me before. Now, I am questioning all of that.

I also feel that as a girl, I would want to know if this happened with a partner. I don't know if he will tell his new partner. Part of me thinks he won't, based on the ease with which he lied to me.

I am so hurt and feel betrayed and used.
I've been in my head about it for days now. I'm ashamed to tell anyone that this happened.
I just feel so awful.

[Latha]

Hi there, Podencos- welcome to the boards! (I think there was another post of yours titled 'unsure/confused'. It covered the same things as this post, so I only approved this one.)

Oh, how awful of him to treat you like this. If he 'moved on', he should have told you before, not when he was forced to. I understand why you feel so bad, but you haven't done anything wrong, and you don't have to feel ashamed that this happened. You made sure to have a conversation about your dating and sex history. He was the one who chose to lie to you, and he hasn't been forthright with you all this time. You are not foolish for trusting him either- in life, we often have to take people at their word unless we have reason to believe otherwise.

I also feel that as a girl, I would want to know if this happened with a partner. I don't know if he will tell his new partner. Part of me thinks he won't, based on the ease with which he lied to me.

I agree, it is fairly likely that he won't tell his partner.

You can take the time you need to mourn this and feel sad. Just don't blame yourself- what he did is a reflection of his character, not yours.

I do want to say that you deserve someone who cares about you and your relationship together. You deserve someone who wants you in their life and is willing to show you that. Not someone who gives you vague answers and some hope that one day you might end up together again.