20 year old virgin

[Wanjiee]

Omg finally found a safe place to talk about this.. I've been dating this guy for like 2 years and he's been pressuring me a lot to have sex, we've tried like 5 times but we didn't push through coz i was uncomfortable and stuff and he gets mad at me a lot. Another thing is I just don't like being fingered so he thinks I don't want him. Today he made me feel all bad coz of being a virgin at my age and the years we've dated and he said it doesn't even matter to him at this point coz its odd and weird. I feel so bad about myself, the truth is, if he asked me what i wanted, I'd say i am not ready yet, and he makes me feel more unready because he keeps pressuring me, he reassures me and tell me not to feel pressured and stuff then once in a while he just drops a whole bag of it on my shoulders. The sad part is he said that he cannot even categorize our relationship because of that, he said he'd say we're best friends but even best friends nowadays have sex, I'm so sad and I feel bad about myself, i feel sort of useless because i've really supported him throughout this relationship, please help

[Latha]

Hi there, Wanjee, and welcome to the boards! I'm glad you feel this is a safe place to talk.

This is nothing wrong with you, but (pardon me) there is something wrong with this guy. Though he tells you not to feel pressured, time and time again, he has acted in ways that pressure you. He repeatedly pushes you to have sex, he gets angry at you a lot, and he says such unkind and manipulative things.

Here is the truth:

• There is nothing wrong with being a virgin at your age. You should only have sex when you want it and are ready. There isn't a time limit on this- if you never wanted to have sex, it would be okay.

• While friends can have sex, that doesn't mean that everyone does. It is definitely not the case that all best friends have sex these days.

It seems like this guy is just saying whatever he thinks will help him get what he wants from you. That is not okay, and I think you know that. Someone who really cares about you would not do things that make you feel so bad about yourself. You've really supported him in this relationship, but it doesn't seem to me like he is supporting you. Does this make sense?

[Wanjiee]

Yes it does. It's just so sad that he doesn't understand and then later he pretends everything is alright, and when i try bringing it up to just talk about it once and for all he just doesn't want to or he just makes it entirely my fault. I asked him to just understand and that it will happen naturally nobody forcing it and he said that he doesn't get what's to be understood and I felt so disrespected. He really does make me feel bad about myself many times and when i try to tell him what makes me feel bad he just tells me to shush or it doesn't make sense you see.. he has narcissist tendecies i guess but I love him

[Sam W]

Hi Wanjiee,

I can see how you feel disrespected, given that this is someone who disregards what you tell him, pressures you, and actually SHUSHES you when you're trying to tell him some pretty important stuff. I can't say whether he's a narcissist, but I'm very confident saying that he is a crummy partner and you deserve to be treated so much better.

I hear you saying that you love him, and I get that; often people who treat us badly have things we like about them or are drawn to about them, and those things can sometimes make it easier to dismiss or downplay the ways in which they're behavior is unacceptable. But from what you're telling us, this relationship is already emotionally unsafe for you, and one where he's trying to pressure you into sexual things. Given that, the thing I would advise you to do is start figuring out how to end this relationship.

When I say that, how do you feel?

[Wanjiee]

I know right now I feel so bad but when I end it I'll feel relieved, I'm trying to find reason to keep holding on but he just keeps on worsening the matter. Thankyou I know what to do now

[Heather]

This is very clearly an emotionally abusive relationship that is becoming sexually abusive. The only thing that anyone can do to do right by themselves in that situation is to get out, or, if they need time to do that -- like because they live with the person, or have kids with them -- to make a plan to get out and do whatever they need to to get through until they can safely get out.

And just so you know in the future, someone pressuring you AT ALL< ever, for sex, is a big giant red flag that that person is abusive or will likely become so.

I'm so sorry that you found yourself in abuse, and gave energy and love to an abusive person. But I hope that you can soon figure out a way to cut ties with this person and not be in this relationship to them. I agree: I expect you will feel very relieved when you are out of this.