Just had my first time, need to debrief

[predatorywasp]

Lost my virginity the other night. I’m 19, he’s 22. I went into it knowing it would probably happen (he invited me over to watch a movie at his house at 9pm, like duh lol) and I’m content with the way it went down. We were sober, he was kind and respectful, and there was plenty of aftercare. I thought I’d feel super changed afterwards, but I feel completely the same. I never fully understood the whole “virginity is a social concept” thing (like I understood it intellectually but couldn’t fully grasp it emotionally) until now. The fact that I’ve had sex is like, the least interesting thing about me. I’ve always been worried I’d end up regretting my first time, but I think because I didn’t force it it worked out well. We met naturally (at a party, but met up a week later), we were sober, it was in a bed not some random place, etc.

It hurt though. We did it twice, and it hurt a bit less the second time. He wasn’t huge or anything. Average I think. It felt like I was really dry, despite feeling turned on. Like my brain was there, but my body wasn’t. He didn’t have lube - if there is a next time, I’ll make sure he does. But is that disconnect normal? I’ve gotten wet plenty of times just from like, myself. But I was the most turned on I’ve ever been and I couldn’t get wet. Was it nerves? Is that possible? I wasn’t even that nervous, but maybe? Will the pain go away in future experiences?

Secondly: I felt no physical pleasure from the penetration - even when it hurt less the second time. Emotionally, it was great. Intimacy! Closeness! It was nice in that sense. But physically, nothing. I know this is super common for women, but is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable? Could it just be a matter of finding the right angles?

Third: is it weird that I have no interest in him going down on me? Maybe it’s an insecurity thing. But I can’t imagine not feeling super awkward about it. Has anyone else experienced that? How do I get over it?

[Heather]

Hey there, predatorywasp. Welcome to the boards. I'm so glad that you had a first intercourse experience you feel good about.

So, this thing with first intercourse where you find that, despite goodness knows how many cultural tropes to the contrary, you feel exactly the same? Normal. Typical. Totally how it usually goes. That's not super surprising because a) intercourse isn't different than all the others ways we can be sexual in any universal way save that it's an activity where pregnancy is a risk, b) all of that hype is mostly about social control, not people's real experiences, and c) it also sounds like there just wasn't anything super notable about this particular experience.

Let's tackle those questions, in the order you asked them.

1) It probably hurt because you were not using lube, something you already know, but also probably because it wasn't something you have done before, so you likely had some nerves, fears and anxiety in the mix. It also may be that you two went into having intercourse too hastily in terms of what your brain and body needed for your vaginal canal to be less tense and more relaxed. Honestly, though, lube makes a big difference.

2) Were you having physical pleasure from other things you were doing? If so, it may just be that intercourse with this partner in this context isn't your thing -- or maybe it won't be something you love, period. You'll only find that out over time. But just vaginal intercourse all by itself usually doesn't feel like all that for a receptive partner. What tends to increase pleasure with that activity, for people who want to do it, are things like pairing that activity with others at the same time, like clitoral glans stimulation, making out or talking to each other at the same time; certainly, exploring positions, both in terms of what feels different physically but also finding what's most exciting for you in your mind; and then just getting more comfortable with the whole thing. You also may find that it, and any other activities, are more or less pleasurable depending on your partner.

3) It's not weird. Not everyone likes the same things, but it sounds like you're pretty clear that for you, this is probably about feeling too vulnerable with that activity with this particular partner, or mayybe anyone at the moment. Some sexual activities can feel more vulnerable for us than others, and usually the answer to that is just saving those things for trying with partners with whom we have built trust over time, who, at some point, we either feel less vulnerable with, or who, even with something where we feel vulnerable, we feel comfortable being with them enough to feel safe trying.