How do I have a orgasm without touching myself?

[Rachel 1]

I know other people can have orgasms without touching themselves but that seems difficult for me so how do make myself cum without genital stimulation? Is that something only some people can do but not everyone? And I wanted to know how to lick my valva without breaking my back? I'm definitely not that flexible because I've tried doing it I couldn't give myself oral. I generally want to attempt to make lick my own genitals to know if it feels better than my own hand. And something else that's difficult for me is having an orgasm with vibrations and why is this hard for me? Because I think I can orgasm from my own hand so what makes vibrations different the vibrations do feel good for me.

[Sofi]

Hi Rachel 1,
I want to bring up your last thread and the advice Jacob, Heather and Sam all gave you on putting less focus on what masturbation "should" be like, and more on your mental health and finding pleasure in things in general.
That being said, yes, some people can orgasm without genital stimulation but it's not as common as you're thinking and there's no guidebook on it. Same thing with being able to perform oral sex on yourself - it's rare, and not recommended to try unless you're extremely flexible and know you can safely bend that way. Regarding vibrations, I can't really answer why it doesn't work for you, everyone is different and some people like vibrations while others don't.
Why do you think you feel like you need to masturbate in ways that other people do? Our advice will always be to find what works for YOU and also to take pressure off the journey of finding that. It's not a contest, it's a journey, and should be enjoyable.

[Rachel 1]

i know I was supposed to stop masterbating untill I have a different mindset I just a answer to these questions anyway. So I can try these things when it's the right time to masterbate. sometimes I have an urge to masterbate when im horny which can be a valid reason to masterbate it can be both me wanting to and the fact that I feel sexaully aroused as well. I think I can't even get the same experience from humping a pillow why is that? And the examples I have that seemed like a orgasm. Is breathing heavily genitalia feeling good after and it even feels like contractions those are the signs of a climax from what I've read. Its just the fact that I can get the same experience from a specific stimulation but not all makes me wonder if its a real orgasm. Especially it seemed to me most girls can cum from vibraters or humping a pillow from what I've seen or read. And it seems like to me women have said that penetration feels like pleasure that goes through out the body but even when I finger myself when I get to that point where it feel the contractions it doesn't feel like waves of pleasure in my body. So I'm not even sure if what im having is a real orgasm anymore which is why I'm texting about this subject. I think it can feel like an actual release that I need of why it could of been a orgasm at the same time breathing heavily or the vagina opening can be apart of being turned on from what I've read.

[Amanda B]

Hi Rachel 1,

People experience pleasure and orgasm differently, and it can even vary for individuals. Many people feel "different types" of orgasms from different stimulation. Too, something that makes one person orgasm and feel good may not work for another person. I'll reiterate Sofi's point that it's important to find what works for you, and focus less on what you think you should be enjoying.

What would be most helpful for you from this thread? I can recommend different ways to masturbate, like using toys. Is this something you've tried before? There are even toys that simulate oral sex, which may be appealing given your interest in learning how to perform oral sex on yourself.

[Rachel 1]

Also I wasn't only talking about penetration feeling like waves of pleasure i meant the orgasm feeling like waves of pleasure. from what women has described i just wanted you to understand that because I noticed I didn't write a orgasm during penetration and just wrote what penetration feels like. I don't think it's normal to have a orgasm that is uncomfortable from what it said on Google. So is it even a orgasm if its not that much pleasure? But my genitals do feel super good after im done masterbating so that's one example that it could be apart of a orgasm. Heart beating fast or breathing a certain way seems like it can be apart of being turned on as well so that's why its hard to know. It's just disappointing if its not a real climax I generally want to have an actual orgasm.

[Sam W]

Hi Rachel 1,

The short answer is yes, an orgasm is still an orgasm even if it doesn't feel all that pleasurable. Most people find that the experience of orgasm differs from instance to instance, so they could have a really intense one one day, then a pretty dull one the next day. Too, some people may in fact have orgasms that are uncomfortable. That could be because the sensations involved feel overwhelming or unpleasant to them, but you have to remember that pleasure is mainly about our minds, so depending on how the person is feeling, that could translate to the orgasm feeling uncomfortable.

Part of why it's hard to say whether or not another person is experiencing orgasm is because of how varied those experiences can be. It does sound like you're experiencing somethings that could indicate one, and reading the description of orgasm in this article might help you get some clarity on that: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

I do want to reiterate what I said in a previous thread about steering clear of spaces that present orgasm as always being one way, or saying that all people of a certain gender can get pleasure or orgasm from a specific thing. Not only are those messages just flat-out reductive and wrong, when you're already experiencing frustration with your own experiences of pleasure, they're just going to make you more frustrated or convinced you're doing something "wrong," which is the opposite of helpful.

[Rachel 1]

vibrations do feel good for me so that can be one reason I want to masterbate from that type of stimulation. Plus it can be just knowing sitting on a washing machine or humping a pillow was a way to masterbate. So I thought sitting on the washing machine when its on could work for one it being pleasurable for me but it doesn't at the same time for the fact that I have trouble reaching orgasm I do need to have that orgasm even if I know i don't always have to climax at all. I don't know if I ever thought it was a contest and I just wanted to attempt to give myself oral sex to see if it actually feels that good i don't think I ever said it was a contest ethier. it really should be about it being pleasurable and exploring yourself.

[Rachel 1]

I don't have any sex toys and I don't have a job so that's why I haven't bought myself any sex toys. Do you have any other advice of things to masterbate with only for when I have the right mindset to masterbate? I guess I shouldn't believe everything Google says because I think it's possible for it to be normal to have a orgasm that is uncomfortable and isn't really pleasureable especially if every orgasm is different.

[Sam W]

Hi Rachel 1,

If you're still curious about sex toys after you take a break from masturbating, you might have some luck DIY-ing some, which you can read all about in this article: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition. I think the advice in this article is also really useful when it comes to creating a space for pleasurable exploration: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

[Rachel 1]

Can it be natural for a orgasm to be the same? Is it common for it to be the same climax experience? it seems like I mostly have contractions and my breathing changes with my genitals feeling really good after im done masterbating. Especially if I know that sam said a orgasm can be different each day. I notice I have this tingly feeling in my abdomen area when I climax thats one difference because it doesn't happen everytime I orgasm it just happens sometimes. my legs dont shake whenever I cum it just makes me wonder why don't my legs shake from a orgasm? Some women do experience there legs shaking from a orgasm. Also thanks for the sex toy link I do want to know if there are easy ways I can make my own sex toy from that.

[Jacob]

"Natural"! Well now, ain't that a word!

Firstly, thank you for taking time to read my answer to you last month. I think your response, where you spoke about how the issues you're having might overlap with your OCD, is going to continue to be helpful for you.

Your description of an orgasm actually sounds pretty much in-line with our delicate scientific consensus on what an orgasm is. Of course science is about constant questioning and there always being more to explore and learn, but I'm taken by the reality that you've learnt to answer the "Is this an orgasm?" question for yourself, especially as I think that maybe tells me something about how you've been struggling, in which I really feel for you.

I don't know everything about OCD, so you might want to correct me if this is different for you, but my understanding is that compulsions in OCD result from a need to control things in our outer-world so that we can feel safer in our inner-world. My understanding is that this is especially common, but not always, after trauma, when factors we couldn't control caused us immeasurable pain which we can 'do' nothing about.

I know in my life, resulting from my own sprinkle of trauma, it's been super frustrating to notice that the relationship sometimes between "do" and "feel" are so distant as to sometimes feel pretty depressing all on its own. Try as I might to "do" the right thing, and "do" things as well as I can, I may continue to "feel" bad.

I can't help but see some version of this "do" and "feel" tension in your struggles, especially in a topic like masturbation where those two things seem so closely linked that we imagine that an orgasm, or in the case that an orgasm doesn't satisfy, then a natural orgasm, or an amazing orgasm, or new-never-felt-by-me-before orgasm or even healthier/more-joyful orgasm could be the key to that deep inner need that remains unsatisfied.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's soooo good that we can experience pleasure, in the present, in our bodies, and can enjoy trying new things. But those moving goalposts and the feeling that we're never 'there' yet is a painful heartbreak to put ourselves through, and something that many of us struggle with, in different ways.

You mentioned that you see the link between this and your mental health, and how an aversion to change impacts everything for you, but I want to ask how much support you have or could be getting in feeling safe enough to not just change your focus from outer "doings" but to have less of a need for them over time as you tend to your inner "feelings"! You mentioned you might be starting some kind of medication, but is that linked to in-person support around mental health? Is accessing a therapist, the same way you managed to get medication, a possibility?

I have had help with my mental health over the years, which I'd be happy to talk about if it would help you!