Scarleteen

trigger warning here. lots of talk about unhealthy sexuality and kink and potential power differences (??) in a past relationship. i cant tell if this should be in sexuality or in here, but theres a lot on my ex so im putting it here.

i don't even know where to begin with this, its a long story and a very uncomfortable one for me that i can't help but come back to. i've tried to talk about it multiple times but its difficult to summarize without understating what i was going through.

i was friends with this guy, z. we met through their partner who i was friends with, when i had recently gotten out of my first breakup. we met when i was 14, he was 16, turning 17 in the month after. our friendship was pretty heavily sexual, mostly jokes at first, but over time things got more intense. he'd send me the nsfw art or writing he'd do, and we'd read a lot of straight up sexual stuff together. i wasnt (and still am not) very open about that stuff and seeing him be so brazen about his sexuality helped me get out of my shell, at least for a bit. i wasn't ready for anything and i can admit that now but at the time i wanted him to like me.

he was one of the only people i talked to, back then. i cut ties with two of my closest (and only) friends during our friendship and that left the only people i spoke to being z and the partner that introduced me to him. i was also doing online school on and off due to me moving homes around the same time. he and his partner were polyamorous, but that partner ended up being... not great, to either of us, and therefore we spent a lot of time with each other instead. like, a lot of time. i spent almost everyday calling him, usually for 8 or more hours, especially in the summer. we ended up dating a bit a bit after i turned 15, at a period where my mom and i were having some troubles at home (i live with her alone).

the difficult part: that summer i was immensely isolated. i depended on z for any amount of positive interactions, and since these relationships were online, i was especially struggling. i had no friends other than him and his partner and my relationship with them was... difficult to say the least. i was the youngest in our group, but from the moment mine and z's relationship began, it was kink-heavy. we didn't have experience with any of it, but i knew that z was sexual with his partner and i thought he would know more than i did. from the beginning though i found that he was continuously lacking in communication. in checking for boundaries and safewords and you have it. i also found... that it was increasingly difficult to distinguish between our relationship in sexual circumstances and otherwise. he would make comments about how he perceived parts of me as innocent and how he found that attractive and for some reason, instead of being concerned i went along with it.

i didn't feel like i couldn't say no to doing sexual things, but i did feel like i couldn't disagree with or upset him. i was also hypersexual (or at least i thought so, im not so sure in retrospect) at the time and talked about it to him frequently. his relationship with his other partner was not going well and i ended up in the middle of a lot of their fights and when i would voice my concerns i would frequently be shut down, not only in conversations about them but in a general sense. i also got the sense that z was using his relationship with me as a way to distract himself or feel loved when his other partner would not (or couldnt) do the same. after finding out that we were being sexual, his partner got incredibly upset and called him a groomer, among other things. they got my sister involved (without sharing the details, i assume) who spoke with both of us individually.

we broke up about a week later, and the sexual stuff didnt stop, necessarily, not immediately, but it slowed until a month or so later when we stopped talking for... Other reasons that are too much to get into. its just... a lot. i've tried speaking to therapists about it before but i find that adults usually don't get it because i can't share the sexual parts, and the age gap isn't that big-- which i get, but for a lot of highschoolers its weird to date someone two grades your senior/junior, at least in my experience.

my issue is that i can tell i was used or taken advantage of in some way, i just... don't really know how to get over it? its been a year but Not Thinking About It hasn't helped. i'm better now, but some of my friends say that it was grooming but i dont know how much i agree? but i also don't know if saying i was taken advantage of really covers how i feel. i've been immensely ashamed of being in this situation and i find myself repulsed to the idea of sex as a result. i was okay for a while but overtime its just gotten worse and worse. i don't have any plans on getting into a relationship anytime soon but i worry what will happen if i do. i might have missed some stuff so i can expand if necessary but any advice would be much appreciated

Hi there, Jupitersrings

I'm glad you felt you could talk about this difficult subject here. Whether or not this was grooming, it is clear to me that this relationship wasn't good for you- Z did not treat you well at all.

I want to say that it is very difficult to make good choices for ourselves in the circumstances that you were in. You were isolated in multiple ways, so you didn't have many other options for social interaction, and you were very young- it takes experience (and resources that you didn't have) to advocate for ourselves effectively.

Too, while you say you didn't feel like you couldn't say no, two things- the fact that you didn't want to upset him or disagree with him, and the fact that you got shut down when you did speak up- tell me that this wasn't an environment that empowered you to say no when you needed to.

Let me assure you: none of what happened was your fault, and these feelings of shame won't last forever.

Would you like to talk more about what is making you feel ashamed?

hi latha,

thank you that means a lot, it's hard to have compassion for myself sometimes but you're right, there was a lot that i didn't even mention that happened that influenced my decisions and i was operating the best i could. i think i feel ashamed because even though i can tell now that those were unhealthy circumstances to be in at the time i was very eager and asked for a lot of what happened. or at the very least, i agreed to it. it makes me feel gross. especially when i think about how my eagerness was taken advantage of-- it becomes hard to feel okay with having any feelings like that anymore.

it was a very vulnerable position for me to be in and i don't know how to be comfortable with being vulnerable again. it's hard for me to explain further than that. i just feel terrible having been in this situation in the first place and i feel embarrassed at the idea of being part of anything like that again

Hi jupitersrings,

Having crushes, attractions, and being eager about these things is exciting and common. Sometimes these exciting relationships turn into fulfilling experiences, and other times people take advantage, as what happened with Z. As Latha said, none of this is your fault. Your eagerness to be around this person sounds like it was motivated by good intentions, and Z's behavior was difficult to predict.

What have you tried in the past year of working through this? Have you found any strategies for overcoming this to be helpful? Something I'd recommend is practicing some compassion for yourself. It was okay to feel eager and excited at the beginning, and it's okay to feel embarrassed and ashamed now. While I'll reiterate there is nothing to be ashamed of as this situation was not your fault, your feelings are completely valid. Giving yourself grace and compassion to feel all of these emotions, without judgment, may help you begin to heal from everything. Does this sound like a helpful exercise?

hi amanda,

that sounds helpful but its also easier said than done my main method has just been ignoring it and trying to move on, but recently these feelings have been so insurmountable that i cant ignore them anymore, as such i dont really have any strategies in place. i'll try being more compassionate to myself though.

Hi Jupitersrings,

I understand what you mean when you say it is easier said than done. Giving yourself grace and compassion is important, but very difficult. But be patient with yourself, and keep trying- eventually, your efforts will show results.

Do you think what happened implies something negative about who you are as a person? I don't think it does at all. Something that stands out to me is Z's behavior- he thought it was attractive that you were innocent, he was very uncommunicative, and he ignored his responsibilities to check in with you about your needs about boundaries and respect them. We know that your circumstances were not helpful, and I think he understood that too- he did not treat you with basic decency. You may have 'agreed' in some sense, but he is responsible for what happened.

As Amanda said, there isn't anything wrong with your feelings of eagerness- it is just that the person they were directed towards did not have your best interests at heart. This will not be the case in all your relationships, or even most of them. You can learn to get a sense of when people are not treating you well, and with some practice and resources, you can leave them.

Maybe it could help if you tried to imagine yourself as an external observer of this situation- like if you had a friend who went through this instead. Think about what you would say to them, and how you would reassure them. You could also keep a list of reminders that you can check when you feel bad about this.

If I may ask, how is your social life now?

hi latha!

admittedly this response made me a little emotional, lol. not in a bad way, i understand what you're saying and i think i really needed to hear that.

i think i view it as a failure on my end for allowing it to happen or taking part in the first place. i dont (or didnt) consider myself repressed but i also come from a kind of conservative / religious household where talking about sex (or even staying at someones house before marriage) is heavily frowned upon. mostly i can deal with this by acknowledging that those views are straight up Not true but it gets more complicated when approaching... Less vanilla topics, because those things are commonly frowned upon in non religious or conservative contexts, too. i cant help but feel ashamed.

as for my current social life-- its... complicated. technically i do have more people in my life (especially irl) but those friendships are still budding and i'm not yet comfortable going to other people with my problems.

i reconnected with some people i lost (online) during my relationship with z and im close with those people but they also have school and other friends who they're frequently busy with and it gets hard to stay in touch. i'm trying to reach out and have been inviting people for outings but, again, we're still in the initial stages of friendship. even if i have decent chemistry with someone i don't really know how to progress from there

Hi jupitersrings,

I'm so glad that Latha's answer resonated with you!

Do you want to talk a little more about the shame that's tied up with those "less vanilla" topics? This is space where we don't view certain sexual activities as being more or less moral than others.

It sounds like you're already taking a lot of steps to reconnect with your social circle and build up a new one, which is awesome! With those friendships that are still new, you're honestly doing most of what I'd recommend already, like extending invitations or otherwise signalling that you enjoy spending time with a person and would like to spend more (or at least continue being friends with them).

I do wonder if something else that would be helpful is to also take some time to date yourself; I think that might help you cultivate a gentler, more positive relationship with yourself, and some people find it can be really helpful to do after having been in an unhealthy or toxic relationship: How To Actually Date Yourself

hi sam!

i guess its just, like... logically i know that kinks dont define ones morality but i feel that, because z liked certain things, and the few other people i've met with similar tastes have also not been great people, that that makes me a bad person for enjoying those same things? or like somehow everyone who enjoys those things are bad people. i know that isn't true, but i feel put off from stuff i used to like because of negative association. recently one of my friends made jokes about kink around me and i instinctively joked back, but afterward i felt so weird and almost... regretful? even though we were literally just joking. in the past, if someone made a joke like that around me i wouldn't even have thought twice about responding in the same way. it's just gotten worse over time.

i just took a look at it! i'll try to incorporate some of that, i think. i'm in therapy right now, it's still just sort of hard to consciously try and be kinder to myself without feeling lame or self conscious about it lol, but i want to give it a shot

It makes sense that you've started to think of kink as being associated with not-so-great morals, since these are the examples you've been exposed to. As Sam said, certain sexual activities are not more or less moral than others, so we can try to overcome this narrative that has been perpetuated by people around you. It may help to start looking inward and really considering your own interest in kink. Some helpful questions to ask yourself may include:

• How do I feel when I'm engaging in these activities? Before, during, and afterward?

• What motivates me to explore my sexuality in this way?

• How has exploring my sexuality in this way impacted how I view myself?

Exploring these questions may help you overcome the perceptions of kink you've developed from the way other people interact with it, and reframe to focusing on your own motivations and desires. Let us know if this activity sounds like it will resonate with you!

hi amanda,

ill try that thank you all for the help!