Scarleteen

I don't really enjoy feelings of sexual attraction, I don't really enjoy libido. It's burdensome. I understand that sometimes you need to do things for self care, it's not about pleasure it's about doing what your body needs to run it's best, but.. there's gotta be a quicker way of getting it over with. Like, I just kind of want masturbation as a whole to go faster than it does. It's a chore, but not even a 15 minute one, sometimes it takes a whole 30-45 minutes, occasionally more. For it to be satisfying there needs to be a whole fanfare with it, which, ugh. Maybe this is my ADHD or depression talking, but frankly, it's boring and unappealing, and I want it to be over quicker.
(If I had a choice I'd forego it completely, but that's just not healthy. Also stressful).

Moreover, is that weird?? Am I supposed to enjoy it more than I do like.. a nature documentary? I hear everyone talk about sex and masturbation like it's super pleasurable and enjoyable, but I prefer a quaint evening of watching the development of our planet.

Hi TristanJPercy,

I'm going to answer your last question first. The short answer is no, there's nothing weird about not being interested in or not enjoying masturbation, or feeling like you'd rather do other things instead. Human sexual desire and experiences are so varied that concepts like "normal" or "weird" aren't all that applicable. Too, even if no one else had ever felt the way you do, that still wouldn't make this an issue; our experiences with and feelings about sex and masturbation are so personal that we have to work with them as they are, not in terms of how they compare to other people.

If you haven't already seen it, I'd give this advice column a read, because it addresses what to do if you feel like you need to masturbate to get rid of arousal but would prefer another method of dealing with those feelings: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _the_first

I am curious as to why sexual desire feels like a burden to you. Is it mainly because you feel like once it pops up, you have to masturbate, which you find boring or like it gets in the way of other things? Or are there other reasons it feels like a burden?

Thank you for the advice and link, both are helpful.

Sexual attraction to me, is just, drab? It's a distraction to the things I find important. I like to think a lot, and being forced to think about whatever NSFW crap my brain throws at me is just so inconvenient. Being titillated during a test as I try keeping my attention where it belongs is frustrating. Like, it's such a big deal. I gotta masturbate or I gotta be more active or whatever,. It's burdensome with no payoff.
(At least brushing my teeth means I keep those teeth...) It's just very stressful to have to acknowledge. And I need to acknowledge it to get rid of the stress of it all.
I don't like having to manage it.

I'm always happiest whenever my libido is at it's lowest and I don't think about any kind of sexual attraction. I enjoy learning about sex and engaging in it's content without feeling anything towards it. Maybe it's a distaste of responsibility, it could really be that simple, but it's like having a DLC automatically downloaded into my life that I never asked for. I didn't want or desire it, so it's just kind of.. there.

Hi Tristan,

Have you considered whether you are on the asexual spectrum? It's very common for asexual people to feel physical arousal, but not sexual attraction. Here is a good article about asexuality: Am I Asexual?

Even if you don't feel like this describes you, it may be helpful to read about other people's relationships with sexuality and sexual attraction. There are many people, asexual and otherwise, who have similar experiences to you. Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway? goes into detail on how vast and diverse sexuality can be.

Also, sexual urges and feelings are something we experience as humans that can be inconvenient but can't always be dealt with at the time. Just as we may not be able to take a nap or stretch our legs when we feel the urge to, we may feel aroused at a less-than-ideal time, and it's normal to need or want to ignore it.

I saw that you have talked about gender dysphoria during masturbation on the boards before--do you think this factors into the feelings you're describing in this post?

Sexual attraction for me, just always feels inopportune. There's never a "convenient time", because I simply don't want there to be a time for it at all. I'd much rather learn about sex and the social ramifications it has than actually like, masturbate. One of those is just more interesting. Sure it's pleasurable, but just annoying.
I have long considered the idea that I'm ace, but I don't think so. I just really like to think and libido gets in the way of that.

And maybe? I dunno. If the root cause of this is a result of my dysphoria, that just feels like admitting I'm helpless and there's nothing I can do to fix it. (I wouldn't mind pinning these feelings on being trans, but there's not really a cure for dysphoria, much less one I have access to. So it just feels kind of fruitless to discuss).

My feelings around masturbation can be summed up as: A duty I need to complete to keep myself healthy and keep the libido at bay. It sometimes feels good, but not the kind of good I desire. The kind of good I just want to get over with.

Can I just pop into the thread here and ask what happens if you don’t masturbate?

Typically, feeling of sexual desire will come and go even if we don’t do anything with them, and it certainly is not unhealthy NOT to masturbate. That’s something a lot of people like to do, but it’s never something anyone has to do. It also sounds clearly like it might not be healthy for you to be doing in this respect: doing anything sexual we don’t want to IS something we know to be emotionally unhealthy.

I feel stressed out and antsy, mostly. Some panic too on occasion.

For how long does that last, those feelings? A few minutes? Hours? Days? Longer?

However long the libido itself lasts. The second it's not something I actively really 'deal' with, it's not something that really bothers me deeply.

So, "libido" is just a word for sexual desire, just so we're all on the same page.

I asked how long this lasts to find out how long you'd have to potentially feel uncomfortable for if you didn't masturbate to try and quell it. If that was minutes or hours, that would obviously be very different than days or weeks.

But now I hear you saying that this doesn't bother you much: I had the impression it did, which is why you felt like you had to masturbate, even though you are saying you'd rather not.

This all given, why not just let those feelings of desire come and go instead of trying to do something to manage them that you don't seem to enjoy and that isn't necessary?

I just don't like the feelings to begin with. I don't want to have to sit there helplessly for them to go away, I'm tired of just squirming around waiting for it to leave, I want to do something to fix it.

Hi TristanJPercy,

Ah, I see- so, going back to the advice column that Sam mentioned, do any of the solutions listed there seem helpful?

Some people find that physical activity helps arousal fade more quickly, so if that's something you're up for, that could be worth a try. It doesn't have to be intense exercise; a walk around the block or some quiet yoga could be a good place to start, although if you like higher-intensity activities those could be helpful as well.

Other than these more physical distractions, the sort of mental work you could do with mindfulness exercises or cognitive-behavioral therapy tools might be helpful. These may help you acknowledge feelings of arousal as they come up and be able to set them aside without feeling like they need to be acted on.

You could also try to take a bath or give yourself a task that takes up a lot of your attention, like playing a speed-based game.

I guess so. thank you.

I just think that because you are so clear that you also do not really want to be masturbating, that continuing to do that while also feeling so much discomfort with having these desires in the first place is not a great choice for your mental health or towards hopefully, in time, resolving all of these uncomfortable feelings.

My best advice would be to just try your best to let those feelings come and go without getting at all invested in them: almost like ignoring a bully, if you follow me. I suspect that all of these feelings might bother you a lot less if you just didn't give them any gas at all. I can't help but wonder if the approach you have been taking isn't counter to the aim of being more comfortable.

I do think that ultimately, you would best be helped by a sex therapist, though, far more than a general service like ours. I know that's not a kind of help often in reach of a minor, but in the case it is, I'd suggest you pursue it, or plan to if and when you do have access.

I have actually been thinking about seeing a sex therapist for a while, haha. It's not of access to me, no, but in the future it may be, and that's something I'm interested in looking at. Thanks for telling me that it's worth a shot though.