i can only orgasm to my weird fetish and it’s affecting my sex life with my boyfriend

[blablabla0]

i have this strange fetish ive had my whole life and for seemingly no reason, it wasnt caused by some core memory event as a child or anything, it’s just always been there. so i had never finished to anything but this fetish.

however almost five months ago i began my first relationship ever and he’s amazing, we’ve had sex a few times but neither of us can enjoy it yet, i get a sharp pain when he goes in a certain depth. i haven’t seen a gyno yet so this is just my speculation, but i think he hits my cervix when he goes in a certain depth because maybe i’m not aroused enough because i’m not actively watching porn of my weird super specific fetish? i always think i’m aroused enough as we’re doing it but i’m assuming it’s just not enough because it hurts really bad when he hits that certain distance in there.

other times when we’re just trying to pleasure each other instead of practicing having sex, when he fingers me or gives me head, i can never finish to it because i’m not watching porn of my fetish. this fetish isn’t something i’d like to engage with in real life, and he knows about it but he also knows i prefer to not talk about it because it’s weird and embarrassing to me. so he’s not going to use it while pleasuring me because i don’t want him to. ive finished only once with him and it was when i was grinding on him and picturing things relating to my fetish in my head. he feels really bad that i don’t finish much and he wants to be able to make me finish himself. i also feel bad, i just want to be normal and be attracted to normal things. i find him hot and he turns me on but it’s just not enough to push me over the climax to finish because i never used to watch porn of people just having sex or being intimate or even just things with naked men in them. recently ive tried diverging from the fetish to watch more normal socially acceptable porn and i can finish to it but it’s much harder and i just can’t really find anything specific in those videos that gets me going. i usually have to think about my fetish a bit while watching the normal porn if i want to finish.

i just want to be normal, should i continue using more ‘normal’ porn to condition myself to finish to that sort of thing and try to lessen and lessen my interaction with my fetish? i do not want to accept this fetish and/or embrace it, so please don’t recommend that as a solution!! i don’t even necessarily need to get rid of it, i’d just SOO appreciate tips on how to ALSO finish to ‘normal’ things.

[Latha]

Hi there, Blablabla0- welcome to the boards!

it wasnt caused by some core memory event as a child or anything, it’s just always been there.

Yes, I believe you about that. Our behavioral quirks or fetishes are not necessarily related to anything that happened to us in our lives.

i think he hits my cervix when he goes in a certain depth because maybe i’m not aroused enough because i’m not actively watching porn of my weird super specific fetish?

It is possible to be aroused enough and yet have a partner reach your cervix, so I wouldn't rule that out just yet. Have you tried changing positions? Does this also happen then?

Trying to change your sexuality out of a desire to be normal or less weird is a bit of a negative outlook that isn't conducive to finding new fantasies or ways to feel pleasure. Instead, try to reframe this as broadening your horizons and exploring new things with curiosity, to see if there is something that you will enjoy. You could also try to see if there are any aspects of your fetish that you might be able to incorporate into sex with your boyfriend.

As it is, I don't think that it is wrong to picture your fetish in your head while you are with your boyfriend, though it may take you out of the moment with him. Try to reassure him. His effort is only one factor that can affect whether you orgasm, and I imagine that doesn't define your whole relationship, or change how you care for him.