Scarleteen

hi,

i have usually never been able to enjoy masturbating, but that's because i think i force myself to like it and am putting too much pressure on it, as opposed to doing it for fun when i'm horny. however, i was in the mood today, and it was going well, and i started to feeling something, and then i think i peed. it smells like urine, so it must be. i felt so confused and frustrated because i just want to feel a good orgasm like a lot of people can have. thoughts?

i saw someone post this:
"Everytime I try to stimulate my clit, I pee. I can swear on my life it is not female ejaculate because of the colour and smell, as well as which hole it is exiting from, it is pee. And what’s worse is after I pee, my clit area is too sensitive for me to continue masturbating. When I get turned on, my down there begins to feel strange and very sensitive but seconds after I rub my clit, I feel a quick tension and release and pee just comes on. I’m 99% sure this is not orgasm as it is way too fast and pee comes out."
and this is exactly what i am experiencing. i don't experience incontinence in any other aspect of my life, and this is the first time it has happened to me. i know i should have a positive attitude about bodily fluids and not stigmatize it, but i simply don't like the way it feels to pee without being able to stop, and would rather skip that and go all the way to a full orgasm. the spontaneous peeing makes all the sensation stop and i lose my horniness (if thats a word), so i would rather not have this happen. i also don't know if i'm overreacting bc i've only really enjoyed masturbating once, and that was this time, but before the pee of course. what do you think?

also, sorry one more thing! i'm on birth control which i think has lowered my sex drive. however, before birth control, i feel like i didn't get horny very frequently. when i'm doing things with my boyfriend, that gets me in the mood to keep going, but i just feel like pretty infrequently am i horny without touching him. to elaborate, like when he touches me, even not sexually, then i'll want things to keep going, but i don't like get horny on my own very often, just sometimes. this is ok right? any suggestions?

Hi chailover2,

I'm going to address the desire part of your question first. When and how often people experience sexual desire is incredibly varied, to the point that there isn't a "right" or "normal" way of experiencing it (and that's before we get to the part that for a lot of people, our baseline sexual desire is going to fluctuate throughout our lives). So if you feel more desire when you're with your boyfriend than you do alone, that's totally okay!

I agree with your first post; if you're mainly masturbating because you feel like you should or because you're putting pressure on yourself to experience certain things, that's going to make masturbation less pleasurable. Is the main reason you're masturbating when you don't really want to that desire to experience an orgasm? Or something else?

As far as peeing goes, it can certainly be frustrating when our bodies have a reaction we aren't expecting and that kills the enjoyment we were feeling. This may have been a one-time thing that isn't likely to happen again (and if you've orgasmed or felt intense pleasure during sex/masturbation before and it hasn't happened, that makes this option more likely). But, if you're worried about it happening again, making sure you pee right before masturbating, or things like masturbating in the shower or with a towel under you, can help make this less likely or at least make clean-up easier if it does happen again.

yes, usually i've been masturbating (in a not enjoyable way) to see if i can get to orgasm on my own, but to see what i like/don't like. also i haven't orgasmed during sex, and that's another worry i have. i do enjoy sex with my boyfriend a lot, but i feel like i haven't gotten close to orgasming, and sometimes i get really overwhelmed and want to stop just randomly during it. will masturbating on my own and figuring out what i like help to fix this? i really do want to orgasm, because sometimes after awhile sex can feel kind of boring or i stop being horny or i feel like my brain will get tired of being fully present and enjoying it. what are your thoughts?

Hey chailover2,

It totally makes sense that during partnered sex, you sometimes start to get overwhelmed with the sensations and want to stop. Sex can be a really intense experience for everyone involved; everything from physical to emotional sensations are heightened, and it's a uniquely intimate experience. It sounds like both in your partnered and solo sex journeys, there's a lot of pressure to have orgasms. The fact that your body is behaving unexpectedly when you feel like you're going to orgasm can certainly make things even more frustrating. Might I suggest zooming out a bit, and getting back to basics? The basics being pleasure, in it's simplest form? I want to share an excerpt from one of our articles, I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment:

If you're aware of other things that give you pleasure, you can introduce those into the mix. For example, if wearing or touching a certain type of fabric makes you feel the good kind of goosebumps, you or your partner could wear a piece of clothing made from that fabric during sex. Playing with different types of pleasure keeps sex interesting, and sharing those experiences with a partner helps you feel connected to each other. Think of it like adding salt, pepper or other spices to your meals: incorporating all kinds of pleasure into sex is basically a flavor enhancer.

I find this quote to be really relevant to everything you're describing here. It encourages you to pay attention to all forms of pleasure, sexual and beyond, and addresses your mentioning of sometimes getting bored during partnered sex. Feel free to take a look at the rest of the article and let me know if anything else resonates.

the article was very interesting! thank you for sharing! but where do i go from here? i've been having sex for over two years consistently and still don't feel as satisfied as i want to. is it just a mindset thing?

It can definitely be a mindset thing. The mind can play a huge part when it comes to sex, both in helpful and not-so-helpful ways. Some next steps may include: noticing pleasure in everyday life, outside of a sexual context, enjoying parts of sex other than orgasm, and simply appreciating feeling intimate with another person, and so many more options. With this as a start, can you think of any other next steps that may be helpful for you?

i feel like i actually do notice pleasure in everyday life, i think that's something i'm already pretty good at. how do i work that into sex with my partner? just trying to take things slower and enjoy?

Hey chailover2,

Communication with your partner is important! Check out our Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner article for some tips on how to bring up your sexual needs with a partner.

Also, appreciating intimacy, whether during sex or otherwise, is a good way to slow down and focus on enjoying being with your partner without putting pressure on yourself to reach orgasm or achieve any sort of goal or obligation. Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots goes into detail about this.

How does all this sound to you?

In addition to Steph's suggestions, you and he might also want to go through this piece, either together or separately: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. Sometimes looking at a broader swathe of sexual activities can clue you in to things you find really pleasurable to do together that you might have skipped over or not thought to try.