Scarleteen

Sam W wrote: ↑Mon Dec 04, 2023 10:13 am Hi booknerd,

I'm actually going to answer most of your questions with another question: do you want to start dating? Is there someone, or several someones, you'd be interested in exploring that kind of relationship with? Or is it more that you're curious about whether dating is something you want to pursue and feel like trying it might be the only way to work out whether it's for you?

Sam W wrote: ↑Mon Dec 04, 2023 11:44 am Okay! I think a good starting place would be this article, which has really good advice even for folks who are out of their twenties: Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s with Little or No Experience

As for your question about whether there's a word for the kinds of attraction or desire you experience, there's not one that matches perfectly, in part because the boundaries between different types of attraction can be so fluid or have overlap. I've seen some people describe wanting the kinds of physical things you describe as falling under romantic attraction, while for other people something like kissing is going to fall under sexual attraction, and so on. So, it might be more helpful to focus on what, if anything, you want to do to pursue those kinds of attraction, which it sounds like you're already doing by deciding you want to try dating.

An experience of feeling attracted to another person in these spheres doesn't feel the same for everyone or the same with everyone we're attracted to. For instance, one person might experience a feeling of attraction as more physical or sensory, while someone else might experience it as more intellectual or emotional, and vice-versa. Someone might be attracted to two different people, but more attracted to one than another. On the whole, though, what it feels like to feel attracted to someone else is to feel drawn to them, to have a strong interest in them or desire to be with them; to feel sexually attracted, means that attraction ticks off boxes in us we identify with what we know to be our sexual feelings or wants; to feel romantically attracted, that it ticks off the boxes we identify with our romantic feelings or wants.

Amanda B wrote: ↑Mon Dec 04, 2023 1:44 pm Hi booknerd,

Let us know if anything in particular resonated with you in the article Sam shared! I'd be happy to talk through anything that piqued your interest.

It's totally possible for someone to be bi and asexual. Sexual acts don't define one's sexual orientation; your sexual orientation is all yours, and it can mean anything you'd like. I think this excerpt from our article, The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone explains these nuances pretty well:

An experience of feeling attracted to another person in these spheres doesn't feel the same for everyone or the same with everyone we're attracted to. For instance, one person might experience a feeling of attraction as more physical or sensory, while someone else might experience it as more intellectual or emotional, and vice-versa. Someone might be attracted to two different people, but more attracted to one than another. On the whole, though, what it feels like to feel attracted to someone else is to feel drawn to them, to have a strong interest in them or desire to be with them; to feel sexually attracted, means that attraction ticks off boxes in us we identify with what we know to be our sexual feelings or wants; to feel romantically attracted, that it ticks off the boxes we identify with our romantic feelings or wants.

Does anything described here feel like it resonates with what you've been experiencing?

Amanda B wrote: ↑Mon Dec 04, 2023 2:35 pm Masturbation is not wrong or gross, and it does not make you a bad person to try it. Many people feel the same hesitations as you going into it, however, therefore we even have a whole article all about just how okay masturbation is: Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.).

As far as your questions around dating go, I'd like to redirect you to the article Sam shared, Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience. Did anything in that piece resonate with you?

Sam W wrote: ↑Mon Dec 04, 2023 3:23 pm That's okay! We always want users to only share what they're comfortable sharing. If clarification helps, I think Amanda is asking if anything in that article felt like it would help you or give you a starting place to answer some of those questions you have about dating. And it's okay if it doesn't! We can also talk through them here and help you brainstorm some answers or solutions.

Sam W wrote: ↑Tue Dec 05, 2023 8:04 am Okay!

So, in terms of how to start dating, it really depends on what methods of meeting people feel like a good fit to you. Some folks prefer dating apps or websites, others prefer to meet people through activities or social spaces, or to be introduced to them by friends. Do any or all of those options sound like ones you want to try?

I'm sorry to hear your family isn't supportive. I will say that dating as a queer person is going to be much harder if you're living with people who you have to hide it from. If your family found out you were dating a girl, how do you think they'd react?

I do also want to mention that dating men doesn't automatically mean dating someone who wants sex or will push your boundaries. Those are things people of any gender can, and do, do. And there are plenty of men out there who are respectful partners who don't push boundaries.

I think if my family found out that I was dating a girl, I think they would be really angry at me and tell me stop talking to them.

Or dating tips for autistic people?

• Can You Be Yourself On Dates?

• How Do I Tell a Date I'm Autistic?

• An Autistic's Guide to Being Ghosted

• It is reasonable to share your first name and your age with potential dates, but they may not need to know specific information like your full name and your address immediately.

• If you use pictures that you've posted on other social media platforms before, people may be able to use those pictures to find you on those platforms. If you don't want that, try to use new pictures on your dating profile, and don't use those pictures elsewhere.

• It may be obvious, but there is some information that people don't need to know, like your social security number or bank details. Don't share that information.

Latha wrote: ↑Fri Dec 15, 2023 3:10 am Hi there, Booknerd! Don't worry about replying late, it is alright.

I think if my family found out that I was dating a girl, I think they would be really angry at me and tell me stop talking to them.

Oof, that isn't good of them at all. Remember that your safety is a priority. In this situation, you should be prepared to lie if you need to protect yourself from your family's anger, and you should think carefully about what you're doing as you explore dating, so they don't find out about your interest in women. I'm sorry I had to suggest those things. In ideal circumstances, you would be free to do what you want.

I have a few questions, if you don't mind: how much privacy do you usually have at home? Can you travel on your own?

Or dating tips for autistic people?

We actually have a few articles on the website about dating when you are autistic-

• Can You Be Yourself On Dates?

• How Do I Tell a Date I'm Autistic?

• An Autistic's Guide to Being Ghosted

Let us know if you have any questions!

Well, LGBTQ and autistic people are everywhere, so there is always a chance that you could make friends from these communities in your daily life. But you'll have better chances if you go to community centers and events dedicated to these groups. Perhaps you could search for something along the lines of 'LGBT community center in [area where you live]'.

Here are some things that you could keep in mind to stay safe with online dating:

1. Think carefully about how much information you want to share

• It is reasonable to share your first name and your age with potential dates, but they may not need to know specific information like your full name and your address immediately.

• If you use pictures that you've posted on other social media platforms before, people may be able to use those pictures to find you on those platforms. If you don't want that, try to use new pictures on your dating profile, and don't use those pictures elsewhere.

• It may be obvious, but there is some information that people don't need to know, like your social security number or bank details. Don't share that information.

I wonder, is there a chance that your family or people who know them could see your dating profile? After all, dating apps often recommend matches based on geographic location. If so, you'd have to think carefully about mentioning your interest in women on your profile.

2. Choose a good app/platform
It is best to choose an app that lets you block and report users who act badly (like by sending unsolicited images).

3. Be upfront about what you want
You can talk about the kind of people or relationships that you're looking for on your profile. For example, you've mentioned that you don't want to have sex- you can talk about that on your profile. That should filter out the people who do want to have sex with the people they meet.

4. Meet people in public places
If you want to meet someone, try to arrange a meeting in a public place. The place you meet shouldn't be very isolated, and you should have the ability to get there and leave on your own. Malls and cafés are good options for this.

5. Do not send people money
If someone is in need of financial aid, there should be other people they can go to before they ask a person they met on a dating app.

I don't know how to drive. I'm afraid of driving.

In my area there are taxi cabs..but I've never been in one before.

Latha wrote: ↑Sat Dec 16, 2023 1:53 am Hello again,

I don't know how to drive. I'm afraid of driving.

Well, you don't have to drive- let's think of other ways for you to travel.

In my area there are taxi cabs..but I've never been in one before.

Do you think it would be a good idea to look into these cabs, to see how much a trip would cost and how reliable their service is?

If I may ask, what kind of relationship do you have with your older sister? Do you think you could ask her to drop you off at places and pick you up again?

Do you think you could talk to your family about wanting to go out more often on your own? I mean to places beyond your neighborhood, like the library, the mall, restaurants, or meet-ups. What kind of support would you need to go out like that?

On the subject of making friends, have you tried joining any online communities and seeing if you can make friends there?

Looking back, I've asked quite a few questions. Don't push yourself to answer if they are too much.