Scarleteen

Hello, I am very new here. I am fourteen, turning fifteen, and have been in a romantic relationship with my girlfriend for two years. For some context, we have been friends for many years before that, and this whole dating thing is new to us.

Now, since we are both teenagers, we have many responsibilities and she often is away from her phone/does not text for weeks, or sometimes months, if she is busy. I understand she does have her own priorities to go to, and that it really wouldn't be nice of me if I was far too clingy and forcing her to feel guilty for not messaging me. Currently, our arrangement is that I will text her most days of my thoughts, and on days she is free she will reply to all of them.

Now, that is not the problem. The problem is that during the days where she is not texting me, my mind still often wanders to her. I do have my own life, of course, and I undertake many hobbies, but occasionally, at least once a day my mind will think of her: what is she doing? what is she experiencing? I know, rationally, that I do not need to know everything about her IMMEDIATELY NOW, especially since our relationship is so delicate and new, but a part of my me still feels upset that I don't know as much about her life as she does about mine (since I share so much of my own to her, thanks autism). I hate thinking this way, since I want to respect her boundaries as much as possible and make her feel the most comfortable.

Still, I can't help but think every single day of her. I don't imagine any wild possibilities or anything, I just— everything reminds me of her. I read a new book? (Hey, she would enjoy this!) I cook something new? (What would she think about this?) And when these thoughts come to my mind a giggle bubbles from my mouth unbidden like I am a lovesick puppy. Is this normal? I feel like a girl in a romance novel, and I have unironically kicked my legs in excitement thinking about her. The very thought of her makes me smile, and I'm afraid that this isn't normal. Many of my classmates who have boyfriends don't really act this way... they mostly talk about how pretty their partners are, but I've never seen anyone around me visibly squeal in excitement out of the middle of nowhere just because they thought about someone...

Is it strange, to have these fantasies about one's partner almost daily? Not of the sexual kind, more of the....domestic (?) kind? I feel strange because of this. Is it also strange to feel sad when she doesn't message me? ...

Hi liamesecat,

The short version is that it's very common to find ourselves thinking a lot about a partner, especially when a relationship is very new and when it feels really exciting! That person is this new, interesting part of our lives--or has taken on a new role in them--that makes us feel happy when we think about them, and so it makes a lot of sense that our minds return to them often.

Too, if we really like someone and enjoy our interactions with them, it also makes sense that we'd feel sad if we didn't hear from them in awhile. Can I ask how you and your girlfriend arrived at this agreement where she sometimes goes weeks without responding to you? Do you at least see each other in person, or does her not responding mean you go literal weeks or a month without any interaction with her?

I will also say that even if it wasn't common to feel the ways you're feeling, that wouldn't make them bad or incorrect. How we feel about a partner is an incredibly personal experience, and it won't look or feel the exact same way for everyone. So it often helps to focus more on how we feel about something, rather than on how those feelings compare to a hypothetical other person, you know?

Ah, when it first happened, I asked her if there was any sort of reason to why she would 'dissapear' for some time. She had told me that she had lots of schoolwork, and she is in a top school, so I do believe she has lots of academic pressure on her. We see each other a few months or so, and text quite often. It's more the result of going to different schools now, as compared to sharing one a couple years back.

Thank you very much for your advice! I am learning alot from the message boards here, especially about relationships. I have no chance to talk to many adults about this in my life, so its great to know how to manage things.

Hi Liamesecat,

Ah, I understand- it can be harder to stay in regular contact when you don't go to the same school, and having a lot of pressure from school can't help.

I'm so glad that you feel comfortable here, and that we've been able to help you!