Scarleteen

Hello. Ive been in a relationship with my partner for over 3 years now, and I really do enjoy being with her. One thing I’ve struggled with however is being attracted to other people. I’m beginning to realize that it’s okay, so long as I don’t act on it of course, and that just because I’m in a relationship doesn’t mean I’ll stop thinking so. I’m working on not feeling guilty for thoughts that other people are attractive, or for any fantasies that sometimes pop into my mind. I’m really struggling with fantasies that I choose to have though, ones that aren’t about my partner. Before we were dating I would let myself be attracted to people and would enjoy the thoughts that came with it. Now I feel extremely guilty for wanting to have them, or for having them purposely. My partner has no problem with me masturbating, as long as it’s to her. I do my very best to understand where she’s coming from, and I no longer masturbate to photos of anyone and stuff like that. Sometimes I’ll have fantasies though, and I’ll use them when I do masturbate. I feel extremely guilty for them being about other people than her, and I’m scared to tell her because in the past when I have it made her feel insecure and sad. Like she wasn’t enough. I don’t remember if I ever said that I wouldn’t do it again, but I definitely tried to acknowledge her opinion and her feelings. I did it again however, and feel really bad for it. I believe I did it because I realized that I was feeling extremely guilty about my thoughts and actions, that being masturbating only, because of this. Am I a terrible partner? Or am I allowed to do these things without feeling guilty. I do want to be able to enjoy my sexuality, but I would never want that to come at the cost of someone else.

Hi Skybushh,

Let me start by reassuring you that you are not a terrible partner. Like you said, it is okay to be attracted to other people when we are in relationships. And most people will at some point be attracted to other people while in a relationship. I’m glad to hear that you’re working on not feeling guilty about that. And also as you shared, we can’t always control the things we feel and think about.

In terms of masturbating and having sexual fantasies about people other than your partner while doing so: It’s important to note that the choice to masturbate at any point - including while you’re in a relationship - is yours alone, since it is your body and your own sexuality. And by that same logic, your relationship with your fantasies is yours alone since it is about your relationship with yourself and your sexuality. Many people (in and out of relationships) masturbate to fantasies about many different things that they wouldn’t necessarily act on, including about other people. You are allowed to have them and to choose whether or not you want to share them with others, including your partner.

It’s also helpful to keep in mind how notions and expectations around masturbation, attraction, and fantasies can often be linked to certain ideas we have about monogamy and exclusivity. For instance, do you feel like your girlfriend expects you to share with her the fact that you fantasize about other people or things while masturbating? If so, do you want to do that, or would you rather keep them to yourself?

Do you think you’d like to talk to your girlfriend more about this?

It’s something that I would really like to talk about. I don’t think she has ever stated it needs to be spoken about though. I’m not sure how to go about it, because I tried to in the past but I didn’t understand everything and it went rather poorly. I know I could probably have a much better conversation about it now but I’m still not sure how it would be received.

Hi Skybushh,

I think it is great you want to have more open communication with your girlfriend on this topic. Could you expand on how these conversation have gone in the past with your girlfriend? What do you mean when you say that you "didn't understand everything?" This context can help up see what the nexts steps can be for you and your girlfriend to have a more productive conversation that can hopefully ease the guilt and insecurity you are touching on here.

I think another aspect to consider could be that if your girlfriend has expressed discomfort when you state the specifics of your fantasies, it may be better for the both of you to have a general conversation about the boundaries within your relationship and masturbation- but without the details of your fantasies. This does not mean the fantasies or masturbating to them are wrong, but instead it is about understanding that you are not obligated to disclose these things to your partner. I understand this is something that is causing you anxiety and guilt, but it can be more helpful to take the time to think about the root of these feelings rather than trying to alleviate the guilt in a way that may upset our partners or make them uncomfortable. Does that make sense?

Thank you for responding, I realize I didn’t say that in my last response. My apologies! I truly am grateful. And yes, what you are saying makes a lot of sense. To me at least. This is really my first relationship so I basically knew nothing about how to handle one at the beginning. I wanted someone to talk to about all these feelings that I was struggling to understand, so I was pretty transparent. I would tell her a whole lot, and she was incredibly kind to want to help me through it at first. She didn’t want to hear it however, for reasons I completely understand, and I slowly stopped telling her because I realized this. I began to feel really bad about it, since I was hurting my partner, and decided that I’d just try and stop. At the time I was struggling with how I was allowed to feel about her, sexually. So I would stupidly tell her about how I was struggling to masturbate to her. This came together to make her feel like she wasn’t enough for me. And I take responsibility for my part in that, it wasn’t my intention but it still happened. So when she told me she was okay with it as long as it was to her I agreed upon it. After that I would only tell her about the few times when I would masturbate to others still, and they would make me feel extremely guilty and cause problems for both of us. I’ve been working on myself, and teaching her that she is enough for me and that I do find her attractive. Because I don’t mean to make her feel lesser than.

Hi Skybushh,

That makes a lot of sense that you would want to be open with your partner about things you are struggling with. It can very difficult, especially in a first relationship, to navigate this new form of communication and to parse through what to share and what to keep to yourself. It sounds like you two may need to have another conversation about the boundaries of your relationship and what you both are comfortable with. Especially when it comes to fantasies and our own personal thoughts and feelings, it is just unrealistic to promise to our partners that we will never ever be attracted to or think about someone else. Fantasies can be an important way to think about ourselves and how our sexualities relate to the world around us.

While this can be difficult and awkward, it is important that we advocate for ourselves in our relationships with others. When we agree to things that we do not feel comfortable with or are not able to follow through on, it creates more discord in the long term than taking the time to work through the disagreement as a partnership. For example you may in your conversation reaffirm your attraction to your girlfriend, but also communicate that one's fantasies do not always reflect a want to act on them or that there is something missing from a current sexual relationship.

It can be difficult to open these conversations, if you like we can also work to find resources for you about communication within relationships to think about how to approach topics such as this.

Thank you again. I’m hoping to have a conversation, and I want to be as constructive and understanding as I can be. I don’t mean to start a fight, and that’s not to say I can’t deal with disagreement but I want to figure out how to best handle that as well. I’ve been trying to figure how I can approach it this way, but I’m not quite sure yet. I believe that might be helpful if it doesn’t much of take your time.

Hi Skybushh,

Here are some good starting resources for how to have potentially difficult conversations with a partner (or with anyone, honestly, as a lot of the advice applies to conversations in general): Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics

I apologize for asking another question but. Is there anything that I shouldn’t fantasize about? I don’t have any unordinary or dark fantasies but I don’t know if I should be having a certain kind or not.

No need to apologize - you’re always welcome to ask more questions!

And the answer to your question is no, there isn’t anything you shouldn’t fantasize about. Sexual fantasies are your own private thoughts and feelings and can be great for personal exploration - and sexual fantasies are completely separate from your sexual reality. You can have fantasies that you know you don’t ever want to act on. And there may be other fantasies that you’d be interested in acting on and exploring with another person (or several people), which can be great when done in a consensual and safe way. Does that make sense?

That does make sense. Thank you.

Sorry to ask again but I’ve been trying to figure out the situation and I’m a bit lost. I’m scared to tell my partner, because I feel like she’d likely feel hurt or insecure. In the past I would apologize repeatedly for these thoughts and fantasies, especially if I chose to have them. She always tells me that she’s okay with masturbation “as long as it’s to her”. So when I try to get more comfortable with all this I feel like I’m doing it behind her back, or against her. I always feel really guilty afterwards, and usually before. I know I’ve always been someone who feels guilty for lots of things, and feels responsible for peoples feelings a lot. I also worry that she’ll feel betrayed, because I know in the past I would apologize and take her side because I thought I was doing something wrong.

Hi Skybushh,

I get that you’re feeling scared. Like Willa shared, it can be uncomfortable and hard to have these kinds of conversations with others. And getting used to having them takes time and practice.

To reiterate Willa’s points, I think the scope of the conversation with your girlfriend should be focused on the boundaries within your relationship and masturbation rather than getting into the details of any fantasies you have or how much you think of her specifically. It’s also important to note that it's okay that you agreed to something (masturbating only to her) and that now you’ve changed your mind as you’ve been reflecting and exploring more. Like we shared before, you can’t actually always control your thoughts and feelings, and so making a promise like that is anyway impossible to keep. In addition, people grow and change and their opinions and feelings on things can shift with time. You can affirm that, as Willa suggested, you are attracted to your partner. And you can communicate that you are also working on your own relationship to your sexuality and trying to accept yourself more and that you see fantasies as separate and unrelated to your sexual attraction and relationship with your girlfriend. She might feel hurt and insecure but that is something to then navigate together. One person’s feelings shouldn't override the other person’s. The goal is to find a way to hold space for each person’s feelings and thoughts, while also advocating for one’s self and exploring boundaries together. It can help to have some guidelines and agreements for these types of conversations. Have you had a chance to check out the resources that Sam W shared? If so, what did you think? Do you think they’d be helpful for you?

You’re clearly dealing with a lot of guilt around this, and it’s helpful to know you tend to feel guilty generally and that you feel responsible for other people’s feelings. Speaking from firsthand experience, that can be really hard to work through. The reality is that sometimes we will do things that our partners might not necessarily understand or like, but that’s okay as long as it isn’t something you’re imposing on them. You have your own life, inner world and sexuality beyond your sexual relationship with your girlfriend. So it’s important to get okay with that within yourself and with the fact that we won’t always please the other person, nor should that be our only goal. That would be an impossible feat that will set us up for failure and lead to even more hurt and disappointment. Have you gotten any kind of mental health support to work through the fact that you feel responsible for other people’s feelings? If not, do you think that’s something that you’d be open to?

I did have the chance to look at them. And I do believe they’re helpful. I just have to figure out how I’m going to utilize what it says myself. And I have not received help for that specifically. I’ve always been told that I don’t have to feel that way but I do regardless. I never thought of it as something to bring up but I suppose I could. Thank you for the response.

Hello. This might be an incredibly open-ended question but. How do you know if you’ve done everything for a relationship or if you’re the problem in it? Because I keep switching between the both of them and I can never find an answer. It’s been causing me a lot more anxiety than usual lately and I just cannot find an answer by myself no matter how hard I try. I’ve tried not trying which I’m sure didn’t go very well because well it didn’t work either.

Hi there, Skybushh!

First of all, I personally don’t think these are very helpful questions to ask ourselves, after all there often isn’t such thing as just one specific reason/person for a relationship not feeling good and by no means should someone feel obliged to do “everything for a relationship” (whatever that might mean in that case) when the relationship just isn’t great. But when concerns like this arise it’s usually a sign that something might not be going really well and much helpful way of thinking is asking ourselves questions like what that is, if there is something we can do about that, and most importantly, if trying to do something about that even feels worth it for us. Does that make sense?

Looking at your past posts, it seems like you are having a lot of doubts about your relationship (please correct me if you are talking about a different one now), so before anything else, I wanted to ask if it was something specific that happened or changed lately that lead to those questions or if they are part of the anxiety you have been feeling about it for some time now?

It does makes sense. I’ve thought a lot about what it might be that is causing this and I’m not sure if I have no answer or if the answers scare me. Nothings really changed since, it’s just a repeated thought I can’t seem to get rid of. And it’s particularly hurtful considering I am in a relationship with someone I love. I did have a dream last night that portrayed a lot more of my anxieties than usual in much more detail than usual. So I would expect that to be the reason for my inability to calm myself down today. And yes, I do know that these are not helpful things to be thinking about. I know they don’t help me at all. I’ve just been very lost with what to do lately.

Hi Skybushh,

That sounds so exhausting, I'm sorry you're dealing with all this! I know it can be really difficult to get such repetitive thoughts out of your head- sometimes minds don't respond well to arguments about what is helpful or useful. It does seem to me like these thoughts are linked to a pattern of anxiety that you've touched on before. Time and support from therapy may make this easier, but for now, here are some suggestions:

• You could try to remind yourself that your nightmares and your anxious fears do not always present the most accurate picture of the world.

• You could try to redirect your focus by setting up fun or cute couples activities to do together. I know there are lists online that focus on long-distance relationships.

• You could try to spend a little time every day thinking of things that you like about yourself or your relationship. You don't have to push yourself too much, or try to make your negative thoughts disappear completely. Just see what comes to mind. (Also, I should note that the goal here is to make a list of things that make you feel happy. It is not to make a list of things that you don't deserve, or things that you should feel guilty for.)

How do these sound?

I’ll do my very best to do those. Especially the last one. If I could ask, what should I do when I get thoughts that I’m a horrible person or a terrible partner. I’ve gotten much better at handling them but sometimes they get to me. And they cause me a lot of pain.

Hi again!
I’m sorry to hear this has been causing you pain. Given how difficult it must be for you and that it seems to have been troubling you for a while, I agree with Latha and others that these worries would be best addressed in therapy, where the therapist has professional training and can be there just for you and work with you more intensely and according to your individual needs. You mentioned not feeling able to utilize therapy fully, has something changed about that since?

As for what you can do right now, are there some activities or strategies that help you when anxiety and thoughts like this are hard to shake off? This can be anything – sport, tv show, talking to someone… For some ideas you can give this article a read: Self-Care: A La Carte!

Some other ideas could be:

• Do you want to talk about this with your partner and ask her for some support? That can look like anything of these: her telling you more often what she likes about you, more frequent check-ins how is everyone doing and feeling, an open conversation about what you both feel good/bad about regarding your relationship etc.
• Writing down what you like about yourself or just your thoughts at the moment/making a voice recording and then bringing this to therapy to discuss.
• Brainstorming things and activities that make you feel better about yourself as an individual and are not related to your relationship or partner.

Does any of these feel doable?

I’m still trying to get better at using my time in therapy fully. I’m definitely working towards it just not quite there yet. It might just take time though. I try to go to my partner for help when I can, sometimes I feel I don’t deserve it, and it does help. So I’ll continue to do so. I’ll try the other two, those tend to be a little more uncomfortable for me but. I want to change so I’ll be willing to do so

Glad to hear asking your partner for support is helpful!

It may seem a bit counter-intuitive, and it took me a while to realize too, but when therapy doesn’t feel very productive, the best person to bring this too is your therapist (as long as they area safe person for you of course, otherwise finding someone new would be the next step). They can change some parts of their approach so it would be a better fit for you or offer some strategies you can both try or, if these won’t help, refer you to someone else. They are here for you and want the sessions to be helpful as much as you do. Have you already talked about this with them, if not, would you like help brainstorming how to do that?

I believe it could be something to bring up. I'm pretty sure I would be able to do that. I think the biggest thing about utilizing it is that oftentimes I'm not very good at knowing exactly what it is I need to work on. Or why I am feeling that way that I am. Not because I think I'm perfect or that there's nothing to change or to work on. There's plenty.

You know, not knowing what to work on or what's at the core of certain feelings is a really common experience for folks in therapy. So that's also something you could bring to the therapist themselves, since odds are good they've had other clients who they had to walk through similar situations.

Hello. I’m sorry for asking so many questions. I hope I don’t take up too much time. The reason I ask at all is because I want to make sure I’m doing the right thing or, find the way to do the right thing. Usually my questions have to do with me worrying about something but this one’s a bit different. I um, have been learning lately I’m a lot more queer than a thought I was. None of this is truly new to me, I’ve known it for a long time. This is just the first time I’ve started, acknowledging and accepting it. Ive been with my girlfriend for a while now, and I want to make sure I’m clear in saying Im happy about that. I have no plans of changing that. But as I’ve been, learning more about myself I find myself thinking about different things. I never let myself in the past, and I’m just starting to now. I’ve realized that I’ve started wondering more about, what it would be like to have a. Male partner. And once again, I’m sticking with my partner now I don’t intend to change that. But I find myself thinking about it sometimes. And I guess I was wondering if that’s a problem. Because I’m in a relationship now so I feel like I shouldn’t be thinking about being in another one, even if it’s entirely made up. Even when I’ve told my partner I’m staying with them. But at the same time I’m kinda curious to imagine it. Sometimes.