i don't feel anything when my boyfriend tries to pleasure me and i feel really guilty

[maxipad101]

i have a really healthy and great relationship with my boyfriend and he easily turns me on. but whenever he fingers me or eats me out, I never actually feel any pleasure? i know usually its a problem with not actually being aroused and needing to focus on the two of us, and Im definitely aroused but i just cant focus. whenever we do that stuff its always at his house while his family is home so sometimes i get anxious about them hearing or walking in. its also just adhd that my mind just wanders to whatever and i feel like those are my issues but no matter how hard i try i just cant get myself to relax and focus on us. i can easily make him feel good and orgasm and I'm happy with just that and i don't need to orgasm to enjoy what we do i just want to feel a bit of pleasure. I've given him some tips just on how to not hurt me but do i need to guide him ? i do know he'd genuinely listen if i just talked about it but i dont know what i'd say or how i'd bring it up . ive masturbated and gotten myself off plenty but i dont know how to help him make me feel good or how to properly focus. and everytime he tries to pleasure me i mostly fake my reaction or overexaggerate and i feel really really bad about it. he's the first person ive had sexual experiences with and he has more experience than me but i just feel lost and a bit guilty.. help ??

[Nadine E.]

Hey there maxipad101,

I totally get that you’re feeling lost - there are a lot of new things to navigate when you’re having sexual experiences with another person for the first time!

Different things can be going on that can impact our ability to feel pleasure when being sexual, and you’ve already named a few. Being comfortable and at ease are definitely key to being able to enjoy sexual experiences, so it totally makes sense that having his family at home at the same time is creating a challenge. Have you communicated this to your boyfriend? And do you think you could find other places or times to be together sexually?

In terms of experiencing pleasure, you mentioned that you have gotten yourself off plenty while masturbating, which is great! Do you feel like you have a sense, then, of what you tend to enjoy - like what body parts feel good to touch, how you like them to be touched (level of pressure, speed, type of touch, etc.), or other things you’ve noticed give you pleasure when masturbating? If you do have a sense of those things, that’s already a great first step! If not, it might be helpful to reflect on your experience and note those things down mentally (or literally!) to be able to name to yourself what you’ve enjoyed.

You asked whether you should guide your boyfriend, and I’d definitely say the answer to that is yes! You can guide him through words (letting him know in the moment if you don’t like something, AND if you do!) or gestures or other ways that feel comfortable for you. Our sexual partners can’t know what we are feeling or thinking unless we tell them. And even if he has more experience than you do, that doesn’t mean he is an expert on all things sexual since every person is different. You are the expert on what gives you pleasure, and so you’ll need to guide him so he can know how to please you, too!

It does generally sound like it would be really helpful to have more direct and open conversations with your boyfriend. It can certainly feel awkward and hard to do that sometimes, either because we aren’t used to talking about this, we might be worried about how the other person will react, or for other reasons. I’m glad to hear that you feel like your boyfriend would genuinely listen if you talked about it. So I’ll share some resources that have some tips and suggestions for what you could say and how you could bring this up. And you could let us know what you think of what you’ve read and if you have any questions about anything in there. How does that sound?

Here are some good starting points:

• Our sexual partners can't read our minds. The good news is they don't have to.

• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats, and Hows of Talking about Sex with a Partner