I don't know where to start

[TaylorJames]

Dear Scarleteen,
I came across your website earlier today as I was looking for someone who might feel as lost as I do.
I read a thread that spoke about fantasies, sexual needs and the shame thereof..
You were so kind to the person who were asking the questions that I thought it might be safe for me to try to talk you.
I was married to a man, whom I left when I met my current partner, a woman. I just walk out if the second marriage. My heart is broken and I wish I could go back, but we just don't work. She struggles to meet my intensity and I can't give her the space and control she needs. Thats as much as I understand of what we decided.
We missed each other in the relationship. She felt I was dramatic and I felt she was distant. When we did colide it was magical but it never lasted long.

We had an intense emotional and spiritual bond and I am still attracted to her. I believe she is attracted to me too. The thing is I am sn extrovert and love friends and family and I want her with me. And she doesn't want to come along.. That we can still let slide but the next one causes a lot of heart ache. I have a high happy insatiable sex drive and hers is close to none. This often left me feeling like a freak, too much, a horny kid.. i hated how i felt, i hated me. I became angry and destructive, sad and suicidal.. and so after almost 4 years of marriage I left this time for real.

It's hell. I miss her so. But we decided to move on. She's is much better on her own and becomes depressed and heavy laden, hopeless when she has to share her space . She finds calm in being in control of her space and the become obsessive when I mess it up..

The point is I am out now. I moved back to my parents and have to start life from scratch.
However what is really tripping me up is my libido, and my fantasies and how strong they are.
I have never been able to form the emotional bonds I have with women with men. I dated and even married a man. We had good kinky fun and intense sex. We were play and intense. I loved being fucked, like hard sex, it was satisfying but I was never completely satisfied. I turned to w|w porn during that marriage which satisfied the need to an extent.
But then when I was introduced to sex with a woman it was mind-blowing and I could orgasm many times. I bought a vibrator that qe used but i never again got that hard sex..
I am craving that hard sex, but i dont want a man, I'm fearful of men, distrustful..

So can you see that i click with women, but i want sex. I dont know how much of it is real, or if I just want to get my mind of the woman I love most..

I dont know whether I am straiight or gay. I dont know what to go look for or how to still this craving for sex..

Please help

[Sam W]

Hi TaylorJames,

I'm sorry to hear leaving your partner has been so hard on you; leaving a relationship, even if it was ultimately what was best for both people, isn't always an easy or pleasant thing.

I do think that part of what might be going on here in terms of those feelings about your sexual orientation is that you seem to be thinking that the only way to have the kind of sex you fantasize about is to be with men, even though it sounds like you're only or primarily interested in women. Do I have that right? Or is it more that you have yet to encounter a partner whose sexual interests, including how often they want it, is more compatible with your own?

[TaylorJames]

I have to admit that I feel really confused and lost. Though my friends keep telling me I am not.

I am really attracted to women I find the female figure so beautiful and femininity really turns me on. But I have been with men, I was married to a man, I was attracted to him as well. I find men attractive too. The thing is dont generally make friends with guys, if there is something between me and a guy it's usually of a sexual nature. So before I married my ex husband I dated men, I was 'straight' the 27 years of my life.

The catch is, from young , very young (maybe about 8) I experimented with girls.. Now as an adult I look back at that and wonder how appropriate that was. I feel that I've been sexualised from very young and this has tinted my sexuality.

But then I am nervous for men, I feel fearful and careful. I find myself on my guard when I am around them. As I have gotten older I am just more assertive around men. I probably have to note here that I am south african and so I have been exposed to violent crime including sexual assualt, when we were held up two years ago. This really fucked with me, and made me more fearful.

You'd think the fantasies would have stopped after that. But in my fantasies I am safe and in control. I think what confuses me is that I experienced sex with my partner(wife) as gentle and sacred and passionate but "pure" a much deeper connected experience. Sex with my ex-husband was rough and kinky and easy like uncomplicated easy.. That's what my fantasies are like too, rough and hard. But I also fantasize about sex with women. If i watch sexual media ie porn or steamy movies shows I watch w|w. Watching heterosexual sex is boring and mechanical except if it is really well done and sexy think Bridgerton..

This is what confuses me. I miss having sex with a man, but I don't miss the relationship, I just miss sex. I miss the penetrative sex. His hips raging against mine and being filled up that full feeling..

As where w|w sex isn't that hard rough and easy going, it's much more incredible and satisfying.

I want both, and I dont know how to get both. I dont know if you can have both.
I'm nit a kid anymore, and I feel like one, and I hate it. I hate that this is complicated. I'm frustrated that it is. I own a vibrator, and I bought a second one today to see if that helps. But I want the real thing.. I dont want to sneak arund. I feel at such a loss. And now I am nt only facing the loss but these complicated needs as well.

I don't know what to make of them. I dont know what they mean. If it means that I am bi, then will I ever be sexually satisfied or is this frustration for evermore? I also want a settled life, a family and kids. I was planning this and now everything is gone. And I don't know what I want, what am I searching for.

And I'm not 22 anymore that I can mess around.. I am scared that this is my future..

[Sam W]

Thank you for those details, they're all very helpful!

With the caveat that you are the expert on your own feelings, and you're the only person who gets to decide how to describe your sexual orientation, it does sound like you experience attraction to more than one gender. That does fit under the definition of bisexuality, so if that term feels right to you, I see no reason not to use it. But if bisexual doesn't feel like a term that fits, do terms like pansexual or queer feel better?

I do want to say that I think a lot of what you're struggling with comes from you creating binaries that don't actually exist. "Kinky," rough sex isn't something that can only happen with men, and gentle, passionate sex isn't something that can only happen with women. People of all genders can and do have(and desire) all different kinds of sexual activities. Too, multiple sexual dynamics can exist within one relationship; you don't actually have to choose between only having rough sex or only having gentle sex, because plenty of people want to pursue one kind of sexual dynamic with a partner one day and then are in the mood for a totally different one with that same partner on another day. In other words, it's totally possible for you to find a sexual partner who is interested in most of the same things you are. Does that make sense?

I'm so sorry to hear that someone chose to assault you. Fear or distrust of men is something that a lot of people who survive assault by men experience, and it sounds like that may also be playing a role in how you feel about your desires for men more generally. Have you been able to get any support around the assault, whether that's formal support from therapists or something more informal like support from friends?

[TaylorJames]

I think you're right with the binaries that I create. I guess I am learning that there is more than one way. I've got say I have always felt like what I desire is out of the ordinary and wont be found in "normal" life. I want both, and I am unsure where to find people who have the same desires as I do.

I was raised and live in a conservative culture. I am afrikaans and work in the church culture and child protection and it's really conservative. So I often struggle with feeling trapped and like the black sheep.

The fact that I am gay is not very spoken about so coming out as bi, is even further out. So I have played with the term or concept. I am not exposed to the LGBTQ culture in my city, I am not even sure where to go looking. I've never even experimented with the different terms. I feel so uneducated and it overwhelms me. I've never fit the mould, and the older I get the less I do. And that leaves me lonely and I just feel lost and at a loss..

What you're saying about being bi, makes perfect sense, and beinng able to desire many different sexual experiences with the same person also makes perfect sense. I guess I just need some time to process.. thank you..

Yes I have seen therapists for the assualt, though I realise there is more that I haven't processed. My partner and I were held up together and since I left the relationship lots of fear has surfaced again. It's like I found safety with her and now that I am on my own, I am scared again. Maybe in the new year I should maybe get some help with that again, I dont know..
So yes I've had professional help. Friends have listened but I am careful with friends because I don't want to create second hand trauma. Violent crime is quite regular where I live, so it feels like the threat is always present. I guess I need sme help with feeling safe again on my own.

[Sam W]

I'm glad what I'm saying is making sense! And it really can be hard, especially when we're surrounded by more narrow, conservative views about sex, to get a realistic picture of just how vast and diverse human sexuality and sexual activity can be.

It sounds like you've been feeling pretty isolated from people who might share your experiences and from the greater lgbt community. Would it be helpful to talk about some ways you might be able to connect with that community? That could include talking about how to form that sense of connection while needing to navigate an environment that isn't very accepting.

I'm glad you were able to access support, including therapy, in the wake of the assault (and that it sounds like you and your friends try to look after each other while navigating the fact that many of you have survived traumatic incidents). And I agree that if you're noticing a lot of fear coming back, or like some elements are still unprocessed, seeking out therapy again could be really helpful. I will say that, to some degree, that fear you're noticing may not go away fully; when we're in an environment where there is a lot of genuine danger, fear is a pretty sound response to have. But working with a therapist might help you learn how to notice when that fear is alerting you to something important versus when it might be sounding a false alarm.

[TaylorJames]

Hey Sam,

Yes, it would be helpful to chat about how to connect with the larger community and how to navigate a sense of connection.
I do feel very isolated, I don't have any lgbtq friends, mentors well anyone really. All my friends and family are straight.
I'm not sure where to start to talk about it. I haven't really ever spoken to anyone about my sexual orientation or identity who knows more than I do.

If you could guide the conversation I would really appreciate it.

So you will have to guide me as to where to start.

[Latha]

Hi there, TaylorJames.

I just wanted to respond because I'm on shift right now. I'm so sorry that you're feeling isolated. If it helps, I think that is a feeling that a lot of LGBTQ people can relate to- many queer people have to make conscious efforts to meet other people like them once they're older. You are not alone.

You're also not behind schedule in any way. So many women learn about their attraction to other women in their thirties or later. Be patient with yourself as you figure these things out.

I have some questions, if you don't mind:

• Just to clarify, are you out to the people in your life? Do you need to keep your interest in women a secret from anyone?

• How would you feel about visiting some churches that are welcoming of LGBT people? It seems like there are several around Johannesburg. You might be able to find new friends in an environment that is familiar to you.

• Would you feel comfortable visiting bars?

• How would you feel about joining a hobbyist group? For example, here is an LGBTQI hiking group that operates in and around Johannesburg. Their next event is in late January.

(Also, in the brief search I did, a few people mentioned that Melville is a fairly queer-friendly area.)

[TaylorJames]

Hi Latha,

Yes I am out to my immediate family and some extended family. Some other family just referredto my partner as my friend even though we are married.. and then to my friends. I pick my friends very carefully but that could just be because I'm a bit older, however they are all straight but a mix of married, single and kids or no kids.. my friends are super accepting, but don't get it..

I am probably more aware of how different it is being out or being straight and married. People were much more accepting and encouraging of my marriage to my husband.
I'm sad about that. It was easier being straight to be honest but it killed my, it was a dark lonely space..

We lived in Melville for 3 years a few years ago, but it's in the inner city and not really safe, but a wonderful community. It was the best years, I loved it!

I keep my interest in women quiet at work from clients though my colleagues know.

I am open to visiting churches. I am also open to hobbyist groups. Im careful fr bars, it's unwise to hang out in bars in Johannesburg for safety reasons. And corrective rape is a scary real thing still in SA..
but I am open to meeting people..

[TaylorJames]

I signed up to the mailing list for the hiking group. That seems really cool.

I have to admit that I am anxious.
I'm anxious about my orientation and what I want or desire.

I thought I have made peace with it, I thought I have accepted me, but the anxiety I feel now scares me.. and I don't understand it..

[Sam W]

Hi TaylorJames,

Right on in terms of signing up for the hiking group, that's a great step! I will say that often part of connecting with and learning about the queer community in your area is finding one or two spaces you like being in and then learning the landscape of the bigger local lgbt community from them (I had to do something similar when I moved from one state to another a few years ago).

In terms of local resources, this directory isn't a bad starting place and includes a few churches that have been confirmed to be LGBT friendly: https://www.mambaonline.com/organizations/gauteng/. You might also want to check out GALA; it's not necessarily a social group, but it's dedicated to preserving and educating people about queer South African history, which might help you feel more connected to the community by understanding it's past: https://gala.co.za/

Too, I do want to say that you've actually found another connection to the lgbt community by coming here! Scarleteen is and always has been a queer space, so even just reading the boards or the main website might help you get information, context, or connection for the things you're experiencing around your identity.

With those feelings of anxiety, do you think they might be tied to you taking some steps to engage with people who share your sexual orientation? Sometimes when we act on a part of our identity that feels vulnerable, is stigmatized, or puts us in danger, it can remind us of the risks of having that identity, even if the steps we're taking are things that will be positive for us in the long run.

[TaylorJames]

I will check out the resources, thank you for them.

I think you're right that I have never actively acted on my identity. I met my partner by "coincidence". I did not go look for the relationship, and I never really ventured outside of our relationship. So now I'm actively seeking, and that scares me.
This is unknown and leaves me vulnerable. I don't even talk online, or meet people on line. I'm old school, so even just talking to you is new and a risk I'm taking.

I'm finding immense solace in this forum, reading others post and being able to word freely what I'm thinking and wondering. Being able to actually ask questions and be answered is such a comfort. I feel less wrong. I feel more real.

I have another question or it's kinda going back to an earlier part of the conversation. I mentioned in an earlier message about my fantasies. I went out and bought a vibrator yesterday, with the hope of meeting that need. I feel so silly about this.
It was such a let down, it hurt and was not what I wanted. That panics me, cause I was hoping feeling or getting that penetration would satisfy that desire and it didn't at all.. It felt lonely and cold, and empty.. I just wanted to tell someone..