Gender confusion (scared)

[Dyoll]

I am a male who just turned 30 this month.I’ve always considered myself a gay man for quite a while but things started changing when I stumbled upon Trans & crossdressing porn on tumblr in 2017 when i was 24.Then i went on to Kik joined trans/queer/crossdresing group . It somehow feels like i belong there and I think i like to be treated as a girl .I bought a wig and crossdressing and have chat with friends i found there. But had to stop everything coz i needed to share a room with my siblings and i also think Im not really those kind of people .I came from a very conservative society like almost 100% Christian in our state. And my parents are very strict and very religious . Even when i was younger i used to wear my moms dresses but she made me stop doing that activity. I think it somehow died down or idk.During2017 when i started doing crossdressing I thought it was just a phase and i would grew it aaway and convinced myseld that im just gay.It worked i guess maybe because i dont wear girls clothes to get aroused or anything.But lately this year particularly as i am becoming more older, more independent and more bold I wanted to be a girl quite bad.Like i would look at these queers /trans on Instagram and wanted to be like them but i feel like there’s not an option for me. I told some of my close gay friends and they don’t really understand and some are actually very suprised. Growing up i was never a masculine men. today I tried to grow my hair out at least for now but i don’t think my parents would allow(we’re living in the same house). I dont think I have body dismorphia tho like wanting to get rid of my penis something like that But i wanted to be a girl.. but questions came to my mind like ‘If i am trans or crossdresser why am i not feeling it before Like when i am in my early 20’s or my teenage?’’ Why only later in my 20’s ?? Is it just because of porn side effect?? Or my parents are supressing me and conditioning me so much that the thing i buried deep at the back of my brain started coming out? Please help me.

[Sam W]

Hi Dyoll,

I think an important place to start with all this is that, while plenty of people realize their gender may be different or more complex than assumed in their teens or twenties (or even younger), there are also plenty of people who realize it much later on in life. So, feeling this way now doesn't mean it's somehow fake or less genuine than it would be if you'd felt this way sooner. Too, it does sound like this has been an interest of yours for awhile, but like it's something you feel much more of drive to explore recently. Do I have that right?

As for why you might be feeling this way, of the options you listed it's far, far more likely that this has to do with your family suppressing any gender nonconformity in you than it does with porn. Our gender identity is something deeply held and deeply personal, and even if we try to conceal it or suppress it, it tends to make itself known, at least to us, eventually.

All that being said, what would be a way we could best help you with all this? That could be offering a space to process these feelings more, finding you resources or information, or something else entirely.

[Dyoll]

Yes

[Sam W]

Yes to which portion of that?

[Dyoll]

Hello, Ive lost track .. I kinda want to know if im trans or non binary types or just gay .. Is that even a question to asked?

[Sam W]

Hi Dyoll,

That's absolutely a question you can ask here; the tricky thing is that while we can offer space to reflect and talk, ultimately you're the expert on your own feelings and experiences so it's you, and not us (or anyone else for that matter) who can fully answer the question of whether you're trans or nonbinary. What we can do, as I said before, is offer some space to talk through all this and resources as you need them.

Can you give me a sense of how much you've read, listened to, or watched that involved trans or nonbinary people describing their own experiences? Are there any trans or nonbinary people in your life you can talk to? And when you first encountered the concept of someone being trans or someone being nonbinary, did it feel like some parts of your own feelings around gender suddenly made a lot more sense because you went "wait, I think that's what I am?"