Scarleteen

Hi Scarleteen! Happy new year to everyone!

I was just here to ask something that I been thinking for a while. And it is ¿How do you avoid pestering everyone about your exaggerate pregnancy scares? and ¿What can I do for this to not completely ruin my sexual life?
I have OCD (diagnosed by a mental health professional) and since a few months ago I have been focusing on pregnancy scares.
It started when around five months ago, my boyfriend and I had our very first time, but it ended up being hell for me. It was consensual and I was the one that actually suggested that we could give it a try, since I was getting over my fears.
We did everything correctly, he put on the condom the right way and didn't ejaculate inside, removed the condom grabbing it from the base, etc. But I was terrified of the “what if…” that OCD creates. At that time I took around 9 pregnancy tests and once I thought I saw a positive, which was clearly not positive, most likely a defective test which had a gray line just beside the control line, but not where the positive should be. After that, plus getting two periods already, I did two tests of the same kind, and a digital one that was negative too. Not happy with that, I still went and did an ultrasound that just showed my period coming. And surprise, it came just the expected day.
I actually talked about getting on BC with a gynecologist and I even have the pills in my house, but I just can't bring myself to take them. As I need almost everything on a 100% chance, I'm scared of them causing issues with my body, not working properly (that even then, I would still use condoms), etc. One of my main reassurance sources is my period coming exactly when I expect it, which is what always happens, but I'm really scared of falling into madness if it ever isn't like what I expect. I got really worried when my periods changed from 27 to 24 days (but relieved too, because it meant that they come sooner).
Well, what me and my boyfriend did was taking a step back and keep dry humping, stopping the intercourse hell that I created.
The issue here is that these last days when we were dry humping, I found a wet spot in my panties and I had the biggest freak out ever. And I was even wearing a pantyliner to avoid those thoughts in case something like this happened, but there you had me worrying about if the wet spot touched my vagina, etc. The worst part is that my boyfriend was using underwear too and didn't even got wet, so he tells me that spot wasn't his, but I just can't help it. (I'm not going to ask if this causes pregnancy, from the thousands threads I read and the academic information I got, I know it is impossible).
Now, each time something like this happens, I pester my boyfriend to no end and even if he says that he supports me, I'm really scared of being a burden to people. Because I also talk about this to my close friends who are astonished after seeing how I can be in uni, getting the best grades (in biology and genetic courses, no less haha) and still believing those things. But it's clear that these are irrational thoughts I can't control. And it really affects how others see me.
I'm in therapy and my therapist recommended that I keep dry humping (that's why I didn't stop) since I'm doing exposure therapy, but I'll admit that sometimes I just don't want to even be near to sperm ever again in my life. Plus if I didn't do it, my sexual life would be inexistent.
But how one can stop bothering everyone so much? (Sometimes I even end up over sharing or talking about this to people who doesn't understand well about OCD, so they suggest me to get a blood test or to do things that are just unhealthy reassurance).
Another question is: Are there any information about these fears that are not related to OCD(? Because I asked a bunch of male friends and most of them admitted to me that their partners even combining BC, a condom and the pull out method, strongly believed that they were pregnant, and it never seemed to improved, it was like that until they broke up or did non-penetrative sex.
Now, sorry for the length of this and thank you for this amazing page

Hi Coolrainbow111,

Happy New Year! I am very sorry that this has been causing you so much stress and anxiety. I think you did the right thing taking a step back with your boyfriend until you have a better understanding of how to curb these intrusive anxieties. To start can I ask what some of the big fears are related to your pregnancy anxiety? If you feel comfortable, working through the root of those may help ease the anxiety response. You know the majority of these are irrational and not based in fact, so it may help to work in the moment to focus on calming the body and the mind and distract yourself before you get caught up in the same intrusive anxiety response.

You mention your OCD diagnosis and that you are seeing a therapist currently. Do you feel this with the exposure therapy has been helpful? Many people also have success with introducing psychiatric medication when these anxieties begin to debilitate aspects of personal life which could be something to consider as well.

Hi Willa! Thank you for your answer.
Yes, of course. The biggest fear related to my anxiety of pregnancy is disappointing my family and stop being seen as someone that makes always the right choices, who has a brilliant future with no issues, etc. I'm in no place to raise a child, so that's not an option for me, and I also think that even if I aborted, thankfully abortion is legal and free in my country, it would be a really traumatic experience since I'm pretty paranoid about my health and I would really fear the procedure (even if I know how safe it is). I admit too, that I would feel shame of telling this to my mother, for example, since she struggled so much to conceive me. And well, my boyfriend's family is religious so I wouldn't even think of telling them, even if he would support any decision I make. OCD also makes me think (this is the most irrational one) that if I got pregnant from impossible things (like semen in panties or sitting on a toilet), no one would believe me.
Another thing that definitely made me paranoid about pregnancy was when back in highschool a lot of classmates got pregnant and were really criticized for that, sadly.
I'm aware that someone's life is not only defined for a choice they make or about what others think about that choice, but my mind makes this a huge deal.
Yes, I actually took medication some time ago, but I didn't see much change even after months. So I started this treatment around four months ago, which helps because my therapist doesn't feed my anxiety (it happened when I tried other kinds of therapy, it made me enter on a loophole), but I really struggle on stopping or feeding it myself.
To be honest, what is a realistic fear here, is that I feel like I'm not only restricting myself, but I'm restricting my partner too, which makes me feel really guilty

Hi Coolrainbow111,

Thank you so much for sharing. I wonder going forward what would be the most helpful for you as a next step. Would you like to discuss resources for calming these anxiety responses? Or more general resources that talk about pregnancy as an intrusive anxiety thought?

With the fear of "restricting" yourself and your partner, I was wondering if you could expand more on those feelings. What do you feel would happen if you were to set a boundary with your boyfriend about your sexual interactions? Just reiterating we never owe any person sex or sexual acts, especially if they are taking debilitating tolls on one's life. It seems like you may be feeling a pressure to "fix" these anxiety responses immediately for the sake of your boyfriend or relationship, but more helpful for you may be focusing on taking the time to open communication with your boyfriend about this guilt and follow your treatment to work on overcoming these mental blocks and intense anxiety responses.

Hi again Willa!

I would appreciate resources that talk about pregnancy as an intrusive anxiety thought.

Sure! We have a really strong boundary and I don't want to give the impression that he forces me to do the things we do, it's not like that at all. All the things we do or did in the past were usually suggested by me and with our mutual consent.
Actually, he always talks about stopping with the activities or things that really give me anxiety, or just rather stick to activities like kissing, that doesn't include any possibility sperm landing anywhere near me.

If I feel like I'm limiting myself, it's because if I didn't have this anxiety, I would do these things more freely, I would feel more pleasure and he could enjoy it too, without worrying or wondering all the time if an activity is going to be related with my obsessions for weeks or not. My biggest fear is because even if he always showed respect and patience towards me, my obsessions and boundaries, everyone has their own boundary too, and I don't want to cross it talking about this all day or insisting with my intrusive thoughts (for example, if he tells me that the stain I have isn't from semen, since he didn't even stained himself, I would be discussing about possible scenarios where this could still happen in ways that he would have definitely notice if that was the case or that are straight out impossible). The same way in this site you are not allowed to go in circles with the conversations or ask the same things over and over again, I don't want to do the same to him.
It's true that I feel that responsibility to fix what I feel, but it's not just for my relationship, it's because this affects every single part of my life.
But I will definitely keep doing what you suggested.
(I hope this explanation makes sense, english is not my first language but I don't have any issues to keep communicating like this).

Thank you for taking the time to answer me, I really appreciate it.

Hi coolrainbow111,

I think the resources on this page may help, both in terms of more general anxiety management and some towards the bottom about managing tokophobia: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources. I will say that if you're already working with a therapist, if you're learning tools to help deal with intrusive thoughts or persistent anxious thoughts, those can probably be applied here. Pregnancy anxiety can feel super different than other anxieties in our lives, but in a lot of cases the tools we use to manage anxiety in other parts of our lives can be applied to pregnancy anxiety with a fair bit of success.

That explanation around anxiety makes sense, as does your feeling that if you could just get your anxiety to chill out, you'd be able to do things you wanted. As someone who also has an anxiety disorder, I very much relate to that. Something I've learned is that sometimes, as unfair as it is, I have to let the anxiety "win" and avoid something I otherwise want because I'm not equipped to deal with the anxiety around it and/or managing my anxiety around it doesn't feel worth the energy in that instance (and sometimes I don't have the energy for it, period).

In your case, I do think you and your boyfriend will need to talk and work out what sexual activities you can engage in without setting of that anxiety. It sounds like he's already suggesting this, which speaks really well of him as a partner. It can feel frustrating to forgo things you want for the sake of not getting anxious, but for now it's the kindest option to you, and to him since it sounds like he worries about you and wants to help you not be anxious about pregnancy. Does that make sense?

I do want to put in a good word here for non-sexual intimacy as a help in dealing with all this. Sometimes engaging in something intimate but not sexual with a partner can leave us feeling just as good, or maybe even better, than sex would have, and it takes the burden off of sex being the main way to maintain that connection: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

Hi Sam, thank you for your kind answer.

I will check out all of this resources, I'm sure that they will help me since I read other articles from here before, just not the ones you provided.

It's exactly as you say, of course it makes sense! I'll consider more this approach to anxiety since sometimes I feel like I need to confront it no matter what, other times I feel like I need to take a step back. And of course, I will talk more about it with my boyfriend.

This is really useful, I will see what can I apply from the intimacy info article too.

My last question is if here in Scarleteen there are some recommendations about sex educators online (but in Spanish) that are trustworthy. I ask this because I got here as a recommendation from a friend from the USA, but in Latin America there are sexual risk practices that are seen as no risk (like wet humping and pre-ejaculate touching the vagina, or semen directly dripping down in the vagina, well, mainly the belief that no penetration means absolutely no risk even without clothes on) by a lot of doctors, nurses and professionals that are indeed registered and supposed to be trustworthy. But their information is pretty different from what I seen here and the other pages in English that are suggested. I'm not personally struggling with the language or the conversation, but I'd like to know so I can recommend them to people here in my country that doesn't speak English.

I really needed all of this, again, thanks a lot!

I'm glad my answer was useful!

As for wanting to share Spanish language resources, I know some folks will take a specific page and translate it using an app or other site. We also have a few of our articles that have been translated: https://www.scarleteen.com/search/google/espanol

The other resource I'd suggest as a starting place is Pussypedia; they're very similar to us in their approach and the rigor they put into their articles and information, but their content is in both Spanish and English! https://www.pussypedia.net/tags

Thank you so much for all your work!! I will surely share this.

You're very welcome!