Re:post sexual intimacy feelings

[Rosa]

Is there a reason why I feel disgusted and ashamed after I have any kind of sexual intimacy with my boyfriend. We’ve been day for 10 months now and I still feel disgusted after anything sexual, sometimes I’m the one who initiates things but I can’t seem to get any what ifs and strong feelings of shame and disgust out of my head, in the moment I like it but afterwards the feeling persists for days on end. Is there a reason for this and how can I stop it?

[Latha]

Hi Rosa, welcome to the boards!

I couldn't say exactly why you are feeling this way, but your experience isn't unusual. So many people develop feelings of shame and guilt around sex because of sex-negative messages in the cultures we are raised in. I wonder, what do those feelings of shame and disgust tell you? Do they say that it is wrong for you to be having sex for some reason?

[Rosa]

Yeah, they say that I shouldn’t be doing things like that and that it’s dirty. I find it hard to look at myself afterwards because I just feel dirty and sort of whorish?(not quite sure that’s a word)

[Sam W]

Hi Rosa,

I'm sorry you've gotten such negative messages about sex, and that they're leaving you feeling bad about yourself. I don't love the word whore-ish, since it's used to both make women feel bad for being sexually active and stigmatizes sex workers, but I very much get what you mean when you describe feeling that way.

When we grow up with really sex-negative messages, that can lead to exactly the kind of guilt and shame you're experiencing after sex. One way to help ease, and eventually get rid of, those feelings is to start learning more sex positive messages, and working out for yourself what your own values around sex really are. Have you ever looked for information like that before? If not, would you like some starting places?

I do want to say that if you're feeling this way nearly every time you're sexually active with your partner, I'd suggest putting a pause on sexual activity for the time being. Even if it's something you both want in the moment, if it's consistently making you feel guilty then it's worth not engaging in it until you do some work to unlearn those messages that are leading to that guilt. Does that make sense?