Scarleteen

My boyfriend has been having serious problems about our relationship since his mother passed due to the fact that my parents don’t really approve of us dating(or know about it). He also can’t seem to handle any extreme sexual intimacy but sometimes it gets out of hand and he is not able to focus on anything else other than smth bad happening and my parents finding out etc.
he says he’s really worried about it affecting our studies which I understand but he also doesn’t want to end the relationship and neither do I but I’m really worried about his mental health. Idk if I should be the one to end it even tho I strongly don’t want to or how to help him in any other way.

Hi there, Rosa!

You can try to support your boyfriend, but there is only so much you can do on your own. It may be useful for him to find a therapist- they could give him another perspective, and they would have the tools and expertise to help him manage his anxieties and grief. Do you think your boyfriend would be open to this if you suggested it?

When your boyfriend worries about something bad happening during sex, is he concerned about the possibility of pregnancy? If that is the case, it might help if you talked about birth control together, and made a plan to handle such risks. Here are some resources for that:

Based on your other post, it seems like having sex can trigger some negative feelings for both of you. If those feelings get really bad or unmanageable, I think it would be a good idea for you two to consider taking a break from sex for a while. There are always other ways to experience intimacy together.

Hello, thank you sm for answering and regarding the questions

1. He is open to therapy but his father is not, he does not want him to take medication, hence the anxiety is still ongoing


2. He is scared of pregnancy and I suppose more the possibility of what my parents will do if It happens.

And we have stopped having sex completely after our last pregnancy scare but any form or intimacy with genitals has started giving him anxiety which ig in turn is affecting me, I’m not sure. But, any form of his bodily fluids touching me makes him freak out

Hi Rosa,

I'm sorry your boyfriend's family is not supportive, maybe he could explore online options for handling anxiety? If this is something he is open to we do have resources here at Scarleteen that may be helpful. In terms of pregnancy risk can I ask what forms of contraception you are using if any? This can help get a clearer picture for the risk level and how to plan for them when/if the time comes.

However I agree with Latha's assessment that sexual contact may be triggering anxiety and discomfort in both of you at the moment and it may be worth considering to take a break. It also may be helpful to discuss with your boyfriend a new set of boundaries, if contact with gentiles and/or bodily fluids are major sources of anxiety you could take a further step back from interacting with these things. Also experimenting with intimacy while staying fully or partially clothed is one way to keep the feeling of closeness while not engaging in triggering behaviors.

Tying in what you were discussing in your other active post this break could be useful to both of you while you both get a better understanding of how to manage these feelings of anxiety, guilt, and shame around sex and sexuality. One source that may be useful to you in better understanding your own feelings of sexual shame is, https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... xual_shame.
Does that all make sense?

Hi Rosa,

I do want to add that, in addition to all the good points Willa brought up, I think you two made need to consider whether being in a relationship right now is a sound choice overall. Having to keep a relationship hidden is stressful in and of itself, and even more so when you're still living at home with the people you have to hide it from. For instance, do you feel equipped to handle how your family or his would react if you were found out?

Too, I very much think that the fact you're having to keep the relationship hidden is adding to the anxiety around pregnancy, because if you did become pregnant you'd have to factor in the fact your family didn't even know you were dating into all of that. So I do think this is another point in favor of what I mentioned in your other thread, which is taking a massive step back from any sexual activity.