Scarleteen

I feel really bad because i'm feeling a bit frustrated in general and out of control when it comes to sex.

I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 months now and we have sex very often, almost every time we see each other. it's always great and there's no real problem with our sex life at all. we talk about it very honestly and positively.

but I've noticed that when I see him, I'm always waiting for him to make a move so we can have sex. we never ask explicitly, we just end up having sex (with consent being obvious ofc). anytime he kisses me I hope its going to lead to sex etc., and if it gets to bedtime and we haven't had it then I get a bit annoyed.

I had this last night where I said I was tired and wanted to go to bed, a bit dissapointed that it hadn't happened. he mentioned he was in the mood and my mood did a full 180, I got all happy and excited and said we should do it and then I went to bed in a good mood feeling close to him.

I know this isn't okay, you normally read online about boys who pressure their girlfriends into sex and act sulky if they don't get it, and I hate that a. although I never pressure him or bring up when I'm in the mood, I am a bad person for getting dissapointed, and B. I kinda wish he was that boyfriend that is more forward with sex all the time.

I guess the fact I feel like I can't iniate it when I'm in the mood is part of the problem, but I think the main issue here is that I'm depending a lot of my self-worth on sex.

he speaks so positively about sex with me and how lucky he feels etc. and it's like if he doesn't desire me one night I'm losing my attractiveness. guys are always horny, how come he never asks me to have sex? it always just happens and I feel like the unpredictableness of it means I'm hoping and hoping until it comes. not good.

I'm not unsatisfied sexually whatsoever, it has to be an emotional self-esteem thing. how do I process this and let go of these feelings? talking to him is the obvious answer but I don't want him to feel uncomfortable having sex with me or worrying that im using sex fkr validation.

Hi skzly,

Wanting to feel desired, or feeling bummed when we don't end up having sex with a partner when we were hoping to, doesn't make us a bad person. If we use our disappointment or desire to pressure a partner, or sulk until we get our way, that is an issue because it means we're treating their consent and comfort as less important than what we want. But that doesn't sound like what you're doing; so, as much as you can, try not to be too hard on yourself for feeling disappointed.

That being said, the big question that jumped out at me while reading your post is: why not, when you're in the mood or hoping things will turn sexual, say that? Or ask him if he'd like to take things in that direction? It's true that there could be a bigger conversation between you two about you wanting to feel desired, or hoping he might initiate more, but before you even get to that point it seems to me that just asking in the moment might go a long way towards resolving this situation.

Right now, it sounds like sex is something that "just happens." But the truth is that being far more of an active participant in that process tends to lead to way better outcomes in the long run: When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

With the self-esteem element, I think there are a few misconceptions that are tripping you up. One is that, while men are portrayed as always wanting sex, there's the same amount of diversity in the levels of interest in sex among men as there are among any gender. More than that, someone can be wildly attracted to their partner and still not want to have sex in a given instance. Our desire for sex in a given moment is tied to so many things--stress, relaxation, exhaustion, how recently we've eaten, etc--that in a relationship where there's mutual attraction, it's safer to assume one of those things is at play when someone isn't interested in sex. Does that make sense?