Obsession over not being able to orgasm

[Nadia91]

Hi,

I have been able to orgasm before, but it has happened so rarely. So for example, since December 2022 I have tried touching myself with the showerhead or my fingers. I have gone through periods of around 6 or so weeks where I haven't tried, or on other occasions have been incredibly stressed so when I did try, my mind couldn't focus.
The issue is I know I can orgasm once I'm very turned on and lost in the moment, but I can't reach that stage because I get so lost in thought on why something doesn't feel nice like it used to, or I feel the tension building up but then it fizzles so lately I've been trying to come but haven't been able to, so then that gets me so down because it's on my mind 24/7 to the point I have to tell myself I'm not broken or I'm even trying to see what feels nice without being at all turned on and I know because friends have told me that my mind has to be relaxed for my body to relax but I can't relax my mind over the fact that I can't come right now and I don't know what to do because it's taking the pleasure away from masterbation.

Years ago I know I did something with my hands which led me to feel so so sleepy afterwards and my face started to feel hot
, so I'm assuming that was the post orgasm sensation but a. I can't even vaguely remember what I did and b. I can't get to that relaxed mind stage mentally. Like it's always always in the back of my mind regardless of what I'm doing. Please help.

[Sam W]

Hi Nadia91,

There are a few different approaches you could try here. One is to take another break from masturbation; when you hit this mindset where you can't focus on anything other than why you aren't reaching orgasm or why a certain thing doesn't feel the way it use to, continuing to masturbate is often counterproductive, because you just keep engaging with something that's frustrating rather than pleasurable. If nothing else, taking a break from masturbation also gives you a break from that frustration.

Another option is to put some energy into exploring different fantasies or pieces of sexual media that get you to the place where you're really engaged and aroused; sometimes having something we find really arousing to focus on helps avoid that frustration or boredom that can make masturbation a bummer.

You could also, if you haven't already, try approaching masturbation with a very clear mindset of "this is about finding out what feels good" that explicitly removes orgasm as a goal. Sometimes doing that can remove that pressure to try and reach orgasm.

Do any of those options sound like they're worth a try for you?

[Nadia91]

Hi Sam,

I think the best option would be to take a break as this will help me mentally.
I posted this in another post with the same title which I'm assuming was deleted as it was repetitive, but lately (for example the past week or so) I've been touching myself when not turned on or mentally simulated to see what I like. This I'm doing randomly through the day as my mind is always always always on this. I guess because I've put a timeline of sort in my head thinking I need to know this now.
I also realised it's after a break that I get my orgasms. I can come on one or 2 occasions, but then stress and get in my head if I can't come the 3rd time, so continue to try even when not in the mood which like you say is counter productive, because then it just makes me think something is wrong with me.

[Amanda B]

Hey Nadia91,

I'm glad Sam was able to help guide you to a solid plan. Now that you've decided to take a break from masturbation, what do you think would be most productive to do during this break? During previous breaks, was it most helpful to forget about masturbation, orgasm, and pleasure all together? Was it helpful to practice some reflection, like what does orgasm mean to me and why is it important to me? Let me know and we can work through what a supported break from masturbation would look like.