Is sex as a trans person just 'meant' to be boring?

[Bowler]

As a trans person pre surgery, masturbation is already kind of meh, I enjoy it, but only to get off. There's not really anything fundamentally fulfilling about it. Bottom surgery seems to offer a more emotionally fulfilling (AKA less dysphoric experience), but it looks to be incredibly mundane and unexciting.
With transmasculine bottom surgery, at least, it feels like sex is very by the books. There's not really any spontaneous erections, you can't produce your own lube or ejaculate, and I mean it in a personal sense, but that sounds really boring. Needing to re lube constantly or manually get hard just seems so unexciting. There's no gspot, there's no ball pain, what's there to work with?
I know I'm probably going to end up getting bottom surgery, because I need to for my mental health, but I can't help but be sad about how there's just nothing 'unexpected' to look forward to, sexually. At least my current junk is fun to work with.
But also, surely there are ways to naturally enjoy it more? Surely, I feel like in 2023 we have ways and solutions to these problems? I dunno. I'm just confused and a tad sad/frustrated. Thanks.

[Sam W]

Hi TristanJPercy,

One way to think about all this that might be helpful is that, post bottom surgery of any kind, there's a pretty significant period of exploring your sexual response, because your body is basically having to adjust to having a new set up of genitals and and the changes that might mean for how you experience pleasure. Which means there's a whole period of time where you're dealing with, or potentially encountering, the unexpected because you're learning to be sexual in the most current version of your body.

Too, something we know from years of doing this work is that sex with any genital configuration can be boring, just like sex with any genital configuration can be exciting, because pleasurable, exciting sex is about so much more than what a given set of genitals can or can't do. For instance, having to manually achieve an erection can be rote or seen as an impediment, but another couple can make it into part of the overall pleasurable experience, whether that's through how they're talking to each other, whose touching who during it, and so on. Whether or not sex is boring has to do with everything from how the rest of the body gets involved to the dynamics of the interaction and everything in between, you know?

[Bowler]

Fair enough, that last comment offered some valuable perspective to it.

I guess I just feel like "Jacking off" so to speak, has always seemed like a rather boring experience? And all the information I see online about making it interesting just wouldn't apply post bottom surgery. Is there any information or places about where I CAN go to find that sort of info?

[Latha]

Hi TristanJPercy,

Hmmm, have you tried to ask questions in the r/ftm subreddit? People there may be able to offer advice based on what has worked for them.

[Bowler]

I don't feel safe there. Harassment/generally unwelcome. Apologies.

[Bowler]

I don't feel safe there, a history of harassment/generally feeling uncomfortable. (Apologies, I don't want to sound ungrateful). ((And whoops I meant to edit the comment))

[Sam W]

Hi TristanJPercy,

I'm sorry to hear you've had a crummy experience on that subreddit!

Looking for information on this, there does seem to a distinct lack or research, or even formally written pieces (as opposed to forum posts) on this. I suspect this has to do with most publications only talking about trans sexuality more explicitly in the last decade or so, and with the fact that bottom surgery is harder to access, so there's a smaller pool of people to learn about it from overall.

That being said, I did a little digging and found a few recommendations that could be helpful down the line. One is that, once someone has bottom surgery, toys like masturbation sleeves become more usable, and some folks find incorporating a vibrator works well too. It also sounds like a lot of novelty comes from exploring and learning what parts of the penis are sensitive, and noticing which ones become more so as you begin recovering more from the procedure. It does really seem like, as with any kind of masturbation, there's a ton of variation in what feels good to people.

If subreddits in general aren't a space you like, you could certainly post a more general question about experiences with bottom surgery on the forums here! I can't promise you'll get input from others right away, but the community on the boards is big enough that there may very well be folks who can hop in and talk about their experiences.

[Heather]

I want to pipe in and make a strong suggestion that you pick up a copy of the book "Trans Sex" by Lucie Fielding (who is also herself a trans woman). It's ultimately meant for clinicians, but her style is very readable, and the information in it is fantastic and wide-reaching.