Porn induced sexual conditioning/arousal struggles

[Confusedandlost]

I've struggled with this topic for the longest time, and conducted hours worth of research on it. No matter what I do, it seems I cannot come to a conclusion. It's extremely uncomfortable to talk about, and I haven't disclosed of this topic to anyone, and probably never will. Out of sheer desperation, I am hoping that I will find help on here.. I will be as descriptive as possible, which is mortifying, but I am praying will help.
I watched porn for the first time at about 11 years old, discovering it in the form of 'facesitting'. In retrospect, I don't know what drove me to pursuing the habit, and I wish I would've never discovered it. I regularly masturbated to videos of the fetish, and nothing else- ever. As time went by, I found myself growing aroused by the topic, even just thinking about it, but especially watching videos. Once I had my first sexual partner (at around 15 years old), I came to the realisation that they could not make me orgasm, or even really turn me on in the first place. I was mentally totally into sexual intercourse, but could not get aroused. I blamed it on the level of skill of my partner, coming to the conclusion that a more experienced partner would have no difficulties turning me on. I kept watching the porn videos on the side, effortlessly getting aroused and achieving orgasm. As I pursued more sexual partners, I realised that it wasn't an issue on their behalf, as plenty were very experienced and pretty much replicated the technique I would use to masturbate on my own- a fruitless effort nonetheless. At 19, I tried to stop watching the facesitting videos to try and find something more related to the sex I WANTED to be having. Giving a guy head has always been a huge turn-on for me- mentally that is- so I tried to watch videos of blowjobs. Frustratingly, I found that I could only achieve the same arousal with these new videos of throat and face-fucking, which included obvious signs of breathplay, e.g. the female struggling to breathe (all consensual, of course), and basically just mimicked the essence of the videos that started this entire dilemma.
For further clarification: I was also never turned on my the prospect of me engaging in the acts, but watching them performed on others; if that makes any sense. I DO however want to get turned on by the thought of sexual intercourse with a partner.
I have looked into porn addiction, porn induced erectile dysfunction (I am a female, but thought the issue might apply to me too), and other related topics, but haven't been able to fix this issue. I can only get aroused if I'm watching the specific porn mentioned, or thinking about videos I've watched in the past. Mentally, I'm super into sex and everything related, and I have fun sleeping with sexual partner(s), pleasing them, etc. But for some reason, I just can't get aroused. I'm devastated, and suspect that I may have conditioned by brain by watching only facesitting porn from such a young age, and essentially programming my brain to only become aroused at this. I don't know what to do! All I want is to get aroused to 'plain'/"vanilla" sex. Mentally, the prospect of it is really enjoyable, because it's intimate, and romantic, etc. I also don't think my kink is completely taboo, but I want to turn it down a notch and get aroused to more simple things, to enjoy sexual intercourse with a partner, be able to fantasise about a partner and get aroused, and not rely on my kink anymore.

[Andy]

Hi there, and welcome to the boards!

Thank you for trusting us with this.
Trying to navigate our sexuality in a world full of societal expectations and norms around how should one’s sex or sexual response look like can be really confusing and can often make us feel bad about ourselves when we don’t fit those (practically always) misleading norms. So, I would like to offer a way around that, and that is rethinking whether this really is an “issue that needs to be fixed”. It’s by no way unusual for people to find (sometimes entirely) different things to be arousing in fantasy and in reality. And also, for example, given that we can fantasise about practically anything while there are certain things we can’t/don’t want to do in reality, it’s therefore possible that the fantasy will generally be more arousing. And the best thing about this is that fantasising and having sex in reality don’t have to be exclusive – like you mentioned that you are already doing, thinking about things that turn you on or watching videos during sex with a partner can be a really good way of enhancing the pleasure. And there really isn’t anything at all wrong about doing that, after all, you are just enjoying yourself and not hurting anyone along the way. How do you feel hearing all that?

I’m also wondering whether some of the frustration you feel around this might be based in the idea that the “simple/plain” sex you are describing is somehow superficial to other kinds of sex (in short, in isn’t). There are many other ways to experience intimacy and romantic feelings during sex. If you want, you can try a quick though experiment: imagine that whatever you see as the “simple sex” would be considered taboo and the things that you find arousing when watching porn would be considered normal/plain. Would you still see this as an issue, if so, why?

Other questions you can try asking yourself (or you can write down your thoughts here) could be: Why do I want to be having a specific kind of sex that I don’t find that arousing? Do I want to and can I incorporate some parts of what turns me on in sexual media into the sex I’m having? Are there some other kinds of sex, other than intercourse, that I would be excited about trying?

Also, when you say that you are mentally into something but not aroused by it, what exactly do you mean by that, that you don’t feel aroused physically but do mentally?
If that’s the case I think this article can give you some helpful insight as well: The Great Arousal Mismatch: When Bodies and Brains Don't Line Up

This was a lot, so feel free to respond only to what resonates with you!

[Confusedandlost]

Hi Andy,

Thank you for your response and understanding; it truly means a lot to me.

I want to point out primarily that 'plain' sex is not meant to be negative. A good example could be one night stand sex. Just the standard that you'd go for, without any 'bedazzle'. I find sex extremely fun, and have a great time. I think about it a lot, and I'm super enthusiastic/want to do it. But I can only get 'physically' aroused/wet at the thought of my one fetish. I have friends who can get turned on just by thinking of their partner, friends who get aroused at the thoughts of sexual acts such as oral sex, penetrative sex, fingering, etc., friends who get wet easily during foreplay. I can't relate to them. I love fantasising about partners, and I am fully into whatever I do with them, but it doesn't turn me on physically. Even when I'm masturbating myself, I can't get wet, unless I'm fixating on my one fetish.

Moving onto the next point, I don't want the fetish. This is not because I'm in any way ashamed of it, or afraid to experiment. It's just frustrating that it's the ONLY thing that can actually turn me on, if that makes sense. I want to be aroused without having to think about only that one fetish. I want to have a guy touch me and get turned on from the touch, but have to mentally override to have a pleasurable experience. I want to be in the moment, and have my body react to it. I want to be aroused at my partner going down on me, or having sex with me. It's so exhausting to only respond to my specific fetish, and only to specific videos.

I think it is an issue that needs to be fixed, because it just feels like it's holding me back, and not allowing me to fully explore my sexuality, and experience pleasure, especially with a partner. I think what sums it up quite well is that I would like fetishes such as this one to ENHANCE my sexual experience, but not for the experience to be reliant on the fetish.

I hope this makes sense to a certain degree; it's really a complicated topic and I'm not sure if I have described it well enough.

[Latha]

Hi there, Confusedandlost

Well, I can see how all this would make you feel lost and confused. Your explanation makes sense, but you're right that this is a complicated topic. Unfortunately, I don't have a straightforward solution that I can offer you. But don't lose hope. With time, and some trial and error, you should be able to find a solution.

It does sound like you are experiencing arousal non-concordance (the article that Andy provided discussed this topic). Would you talk a bit more about what happens physically when you masturbate while thinking of other subjects, or when you have sex with someone else? You've mentioned that you aren't getting wet or orgasming, but do you experience any other pleasurable physical sensations?