friendships in the way?

[chailover2]

hi!

i have a boyfriend of almost 2.5 years. however every year around the winter (idk why..) i feel like i develop a crush on another boy that i spend a lot of time with, usually someone in my classes or in my clubs. i’ve always gotten along better with boys, they’ve just been easier and more fun for me to talk to (as a girl i often get stressed talking to girls), but sometimes i feel like i grow to be too fond of some of these boys and it develops into a crush. At least i think it’s a crush, maybe i’m just very fond of them and love them in like a brotherly sisterly way? Can’t really decipher it. Anyway, this makes me feel very guilty and confused and i wish it didn’t happen since im in a relationship. thoughts?

[Willa]

Hi Chailover2!

In general, in romantic relationships, it is very normal to develop crushes on other people. There are so many people in the world there is nothing wrong with acknowledging attraction to others, even if we have no plans to act on it and are secure in our current relationship.

That being said, based on your post history it seems like you have been experiencing a good amount of anxiety and uncertainty with your relationship with your boyfriend. Big themes for you seem to be consistently feeling guilty for things you are experiencing within the relationship. In any relationship, if we are more consistently feeling negative, that is a good indicator to take stock of how we are feeling. When you picture staying in your relationship is it because of the good feelings it brings you or is it possible there are other reasons such as the time you have been together or "owing" him in some way? With these crushes do you feel they may fulfill something that your relationship with your boyfriend is unable to? Does this all make sense?

[chailover2]

I honestly just have a ton of anxiety, and a lot of that just manifests in my relationship. I could get all theoretical and say that as a college student, yes, there are benefits to not being in a relationship right now, but my relationship brings me a lot of joy. i also have ADHD,, not sure if that contributes (prob does)

[Willa]

Hi Chailover2,

I know we have discussed in the past that you were searching for professional help for your anxiety- how has that search been going? It seems like your anxiety is taking a significant toll on your life as well as your relationship. Also, did you want to expand on how you feel not being in a relationship would be beneficial to your life as a college student? Taking the time to think through things like this can be scary while in a relationship, but very important to understand the steps we can take so we are safest and happiest.

Is there anything else specifically you were looking for help with?

[chailover2]

Well, I think there are pros and cons to everything. Pros of being in a relationship during college are that you have a best friend, someone to always talk to, and being in love is just the best. Potential cons are that you don't get to date around or flirt with other guys at parties, for example. I am meeting regularly with a new therapist starting next week. Also- I think through things too much. I understand that piece of advice a bit you gave toooo well. Sometimes its hard for people to self-assess, but I truly feel that my relationship has more pros than cons. My issue has been overthinking the pros and cons, and then spiraling until I'm not thinking clearly about anything.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, there would be pros to not being in a relationship, but not pros that I value or want that much. My anxiety is just my anxiety and I think that no matter if I was single or in a relationship with a different person, it would still be there and impacting things. I could be wrong, but this is just what I think right now!

[Sofi]

This all makes sense, thanks for expanding on it. You know, overthinking is definitely a result of anxiety for a lot of people, so often when we work on managing our anxiety we can also reduce the overthinking. One way you can work on this aside from therapy is just practicing mindfulness and grounding techniques so when your thoughts spiral you can bring them back into your current reality and out of this "what if" scenarios space. I do agree we can find pros and cons to everything and it's important to pay attention to red flags (one bad con could be enough), but the ones you mentioned are normal and don't seem concerning or even specific to this relationship/person. Like Willa said, the crushes thing is normal and not a reason to necessarily re-evaluate your relationship, but with other concerns you have to decide if it's something that's an issue or something you might be creating anxiety around and can let go. You have to trust yourself, only you know what you want and you're in full control of what you do from there <3

[chailover2]

Ok, thank you!!!